Shattered Dreams
by Fleur06
Summary: This is now the final chapter, thank you to all who have read it and a special thank you to all those who reviewed it. Hope you enjoy this chapter. This is after season 4. Lawson asks Shannon to marry him, what will she say, and will everyone be happy for them. What happens at their engagement party, will they last and what will happen to TR with an engaged couple.
1. Chapter 1

_**I can't help but write, this is taken after season 4, Charlie has left TR for the time being, (even though I liked him in there). This I think only going to be a short story a few chapters at that. Enjoy and if you like it please review it. **_

Walking into base early the following morning, trying to hide the huge grin on there faces, it has been a long road to get this far, with Lawson cheating on her, and her rape, and shutting him out, but smiling at him, they are finally at a great place now. Holding his hand, she feels his touch tingling through her skin, feeling the necklace against her skin, the touch of what it is hiding.

Holding Shannon's hand, the spring to his step, he wants to tell the whole world, he wants to tell his best friend, the one he ruined everything with, the one he has wanted to ring, but when he finally did, the number disconnected. Smiling at Shannon, the secret between them, can they keep it to the end of shift, seeing Shannon fiddling with her necklace, before looking up at him, the smile on her face. Feeling like the luckiest man in the world, so glad Shannon gave him the second chance, he still has no idea why he cheated on both of them if he could only take back time.

Heading towards the locker room, his head moving slightly towards the communications room, Kerry's car not in yet, unusual, for her to not be in early, the one person, he is worried about telling. Feeling Shannon squeeze his hand before heading into the locker room.

Walking into the locker room, they see Stella look up at them, suspicion in her eyes, the one person Shannon wants to tell, she will some time on their shift today. Keeping her eyes down to avoid Stella's wide eyes.

Listening to Lawson, give the briefing for the day, the smile on Stella's face when she hears her name in TR2 with Shannon, she walks out with her whispering "so spill, the grin is so wide on your and Lawson's face, I know something has happened" seeing Shannon shake her head "Later" seeing Stella's eyes wider open "I don't know if I can wait later" a grin on Shannon's face "Believe me you will" before hopping in the car.

Driving around a few hours later, they stop for a bite to eat, turning to Elliot who gets out of the car, seeing Stella turn to her "I can't wait any longer, there is only two things I think, either your pregnant or you got engaged", seeing Shannon pull our her necklace, Shannon swears the whole world could hear her squeal as she hugs her "I'm so happy for you both, I knew something was up", then her face more sombre "but what about TR, you can't have a married couple in the squad, you know Kerry is a stickler for some things"

Looking at her friend, she knew Stella had been through a lot loosing Michael and all, but her happiness has come back and if Shannon was right it was something to do with the other Senior Sergeant that was in the squad Charlie Lewis "we'll work something out, Lawson is thinking of leaving' then reaching for Stella's hand "No matter what, we'll be friends, Stel, we'll still go out drinking." Then seeing Elliot walk back to the car, Stella turns back to the front.

Seeing Kerry walking out to the car at the end of the shift, Lawson sees her look at her, raising her hand in a raise, if he admits it he is gutless, he knows he should tell her, before the rest of the team, before she hears it from someone else, why is it so hard to tell her, smiling at his boss, he turns back to walk to the table, the bottles of beer already open. Reaching for Shannon's hand, he looks around at the team, unfortunately missing a few original members, but the new ones settling in nicely. Shannon reaching for her beer, with her left hand, sees Christian eyes widen "is that an engagement ring", smiling at the team "Yes, Lawson and I got engaged last night."

….

Walking into base the following morning, Kerry looks around, walking into the communications room, she sees Leon turning around looking at her "did you hear the news about Shannon and Lawson", looking at Leon, she wonder what news, did she want to know, shaking her head, trying to keep her face neutral "They got engaged", raising her eyebrows at him "Really" before walking away.

Sitting at one of her desks behind Leon, she sees Lawson on screen, looking at him, could she actually ask him to leave TR, as much as she had joked about it, TR was him, Tr belonged to Lawson.

Walking into the locker room at the end of Lawson's shift, Kerry looks at him, her gaze firm on his face "I'm going to forget I heard your engagement today, you know the rules Lawson, one of you now needs to be out of TR. Does Shannon know where she wants to be moved to",

Looking at Kerry in surprise, he should of known she would of heard or find out, he is surprised she isn't angry at him "why do you think its Shannon's whose leaving", looking up at Lawson, the surprise evident on her face "Don't tell me your going to leave TR" seeing him nod, there is a tightness in her chest, walking over to sit on the table looking up at him "you're the one who put TR together, the one who has been here since the beginning, who wasn't being pushed out because of Charlie, why Lawson?"

Seeing Lawson looking at her, she wants to ask him no tell him he can't leave, she doesn't want him to leave, TR would never be the same without him in it, it is part of the reason she loves TR, she would never want him out. "one of us has to leave, there the rules Kerry, Shannon loves it here, so I'm leaving", not wanting to whine or want to see him go, would TR be the same if she didn't see Lawson each day, "You love it here Lawson"

Shrugging, everything Kerry says is true, damm her, she did know him well, too well "yeah, but I love Shannon", her eyes darting around, not wanting to look at him, her voice soft "I would hate to lose you, be hard trying to find someone to replace you"

Seeing Lawson sitting opposite her, close to her, his face searching hers in a way, she wants to move away from him, hates being this close to him, feeling his hand on her arm "No it isn't, I'm giving my job to Shannon", seeing Kerry shake her head then hearing her answer sharply "No"

Looking at Lawson, the no coming out louder and sharply as she stand up, walking towards the wall, there is no way she would have Shannon replace him, she would rather Charlie, hearing Lawson's voice "why not Shannon"

Looking at Lawson "Why Shannon, just because she is your girlfriend Lawson, doesn't qualify her to become the Senior Sergeant running TR, loverboy"

Watching her face, Lawson stands up "she knows TR, she's been here for 3 years now"

Sitting back on the table, fiddling with her hands "She's not senior sergeant material Lawson, we need someone to run TR, to be there when I'm not, to make the calls decision, Shannon is not the right person, she has not proven herself, that she has what it takes, she takes things too personal, the Lexie situation, we need someone with a high level of police negotiation, someone who can just take control of a situation", then standing up and looking at Lawson in the eyes "Lawson, forget she is your girlfriend, do you really think she is the right person for the job"

Seeing Kerry look at him, her blue eyes piercing through him as she holds his gaze "Yes, she has the passion for TR", seeing Kerry shaking her head "You need more than that, and if you were thinking with your brain rather than other parts of your body, you would realise that. I'll be advertising for the job, she can apply for it….. she really needs to step up and show me, at the moment I don't see her as someone who could take over your position", looking at Kerry, Lawson thought Shannon stepping up was a given thing, that leaving TR would be easy if she was in control, did Kerry hate him that much, want him out of TR, or both of them out "you want us both to leave" seeing her shake her head, her eyes down before darting around "No…..I don't want you to leave Lawson" her voice soft "you will be hard to find someone to replace you" her voice back to normal "I'm sure I will be able to, maybe Charlie will want to come back?". Raising his eyes at Kerry "sure he will want to come back, with Stella on the team", seeing Kerry look at him slightly confused "what's' that meant to mean I thought those two got on well together" Tossing his head back laughing "too well, Kerry, I really thought you would of picked up on that" walking out, he turns to Kerry "My resignation will be on your desk soon" before walking out.  
Watching Lawson walk out, Kerry sits on the table, putting her head in her hands, "that went well" rubbing at her eyes, she couldn't loose Lawson from TR, if they had to get married, then Shannon should leave, she didn't know which was worse, them getting married or the face she wouldn't see Lawson each day.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you for all the reviews, here is the next chapter, it is much shorter as I want to end it this way before the next chapter. **_

…

**The next day**

Seeing the team, walk out of base, early for a change as they call out to her "see you later tonight Kerry", nodding trying to smile "I'll be there" hearing Stella's voice call out "Yeah if there is alcohol there, Kerry will be there", feeling Kerry's glare upon her, "what your not going to drink Kerry?", seeing her boss nod "I might only have one or two drinks" hearing Lawson and Stella laugh, as Stella turns to Lawson and back at Kerry "You have only one drink, c'mon say something here Lawson, its your engagement party, that's a reason if any to drink", seeing Lawson's smirk upon his face "that will be the day Kerry, you stopping at one", slamming the car door, truth be told she would no doubt have more, anything to plaster out the look on Shannon and Lawson's face lately, the fact that Lawson was the one that wanted to leave.

Walking into the bar a short time later, Kerry looks around, how she wished she was anywhere but here, the one place she didn't want to be, but no as Tactical response leader she had to be here, needing to show support to her team, what about her, what about what she wants, did anyone care about that, looking around she sees Christian with Annie, Stella, Charlie, blinking again Charlie, what was he doing here, was it true, was Stella and Charlie really going out, she really knew nothing these days, something she used to know was about her team, Leon by himself, walking up to the bar she orders a drink, seeing Stella next to her "Knew you would drink", raising her eyesbrows at the Senior Constable "its one drink Stella" throwing it down, before ordering another one, then turned to Stella "I lied" before sculling the drink, seeing Stella looking at her as they walk back to the rest of the team, as Stella puts a shot down next to her and the rest of the team, throwing it back, she feels the liquid going down her throat "that's disgusting Stel" hearing Stella's laugh, actually it doesn't matter what it is she is drinking, anything that has alcohol in it, anything to make her drunk, make her forget this night, forget why she is meant to be here, be good if she could just forget this whole nightmare, the fact that Lawson wants to leave TR, the pain she feels that they are engaged. Putting the glass down she turns to the team, "who wants another one" ignoring the look of surprise on their faces as she walks towards the bar, feeling someone next to her she sees Leon, looking at her "what" seeing him shake her head "thought you might need help" smiling at the intel officer "You can buy the second round whilst you're here". Looking at Kerry, Leon says nothing, knows better than to say something, but wondering what is wrong with her, the only other time he had seen her wanting to drink was at the bar after she hit the cyclist.

Walking away from the team a while later, Kerry can't pretend to smile or be happy anymore, sneaking away from the crowd, she hadn't nearly enough to drink, her head feeling slightly woozy what were those shots that Stella kept getting and she kept drinking along with her vodka or whatever anyone bought her, but not enough, to see the ring shining on Shannon's finger, the way Lawson's arm is around her waist, looking so happy, leaning down to speak to her, or the way Shannon looked up at him, the eyes filled with love,

Sneaking outside, she looks around the water, she never thought it would hurt this much, she thought she was over Lawson, it was fine when they were going out, she should of seen it coming, even with the rough patch those two had, in a way she was slightly happy with that, even with the bit of tension in TR, Josh hitting Lawson, of course she went to Lawson's defence, without even thinking. There was a stage a very brief one where Lawson looked at her, his eyes filled with love or something, closing her eyes she could still slightly see everything that night or the few nights, the way they made love, the way he kissed her, felt special of course it didn't last, the two superior officers, having an affair.

Looking around, Lawson sees Kerry walking outside, the opportunity to talk to her away from everyone in a more social relaxed environment, despite being in love and engaged he would always have a soft spot for his boss, despite her attitude and the way she was yesterday. Walking outside, he sees her leaning against the water, looking across the Yarra river, she did look beautiful tonight, the moon shining upon her.

Hearing footsteps walking up behind her she turns around, trying not to show her surprise, looking up she sees Lawson's concerned face "You ok", trying to smile, she hopes the smile comes to her face, nodding, in a way afraid to speak, afraid of what will come out, can she talk properly "I'm fine Lawson" her words coming out louder than she hoped seeing Lawson raise his eyes at her , turning back around to face the water, she can't look into Lawson's eyes or face she would just melt, the way he looks at her, sometimes, "Just go back inside to your financee", glancing quickly at Lawson and seeing Lawson not moving her voice with a slight exasperation "what Lawson".

Looking at Kerry, wondering where all of this came from, even if she was unpredictable, and a tough boss, he was still surprised "I thought you were fine with me and Shannon getting engaged" not even looking at him, his brown chocolate pudding eyes, his face, so much about him that she wants and loves, that no she isn't fine with them getting engaged, she hoped they broke up, that she wished she never employed Shannon, that she did only to spite Lawson, to get one up on him, because Lawson didn't want her in the squad and that her pettiness has backfired, and instead they are now engaged, putting the bottle of wine to her lips taking a huge gulp, becoming even more tipsy "I just hope Shannon is the one that leaves TR", wanting to grab the bottle off Kerry, the surprise on his face by the tone of her voice.

Not even seeing the surprise on Lawson's face or the look he gave her as she finishes the bottle , feeling Lawson's hand reach out to take it "how much have you drunk Kerry", looking at the empty bottle then finally up at Lawson "Not enough", feeling Lawson's hand on her arm, his touch so soft and gently, a tingle going through her she wants to move her arm away from him, but her body seems to be not able to move, hearing Lawson's voice "Kerry, lets go back inside", shaking her head, she doesn't want to go back and see the happy couple, reaching out and grabbing Lawson's beer, the taste, disgusting, but not caring what goes in her mouth as long as it is alcohol, feeling Lawson's hand on her face turning her to face him, slight amusement on his face "You don't drink beer Kerry", giving him a slight smile "No wonder that tastes disgusting",

Wanting to go back inside, but not wanting to leave his boss, wondering what is the matter, what is wrong, yes Kerry loved to drink, but this was something else as much as he wants to leave her here, part of him can't not in the state that she seems to be in, reaching out to touch her again, he feels Kerry remove his hand "I need another drink", raising his eyes at her "sure that is a good idea…..talk to me Kerry" turning around to face the water, not able to look at him anymore, her voice soft but still audible "I'm in love with you Lawson, have been for years"


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thanks for the reviews, don't think Lawson will tell Shannon, what he said but who know maybe he wills. **_

…

Hearing those words come from her mouth, she briefly closes her eyes, before looking up at the shocked look on Lawson's face shaking her head "Just forget I said anything Lawson, it's the alcohol". Seeing Kerry's blue eyes piercing through him they have always done something to him, did he actually hear her right, did she just say what he thought she said, how much had she had to drink, hearing her voice again "I better go", all he can manage to do is nod "Yeah", then watching as she starts to walk away or try to, he finds his voice "sure that is a good idea, you've drunk a fair bit, I'll call you a cab", seeing her shake her head "what are you, watching what I drink" seeing the slight hurt in his eyes she softens "the fresh air will do me good I'll walk, I'll be fine Lawson" seeing him raise his eyes slightly at her, something that isn't unusual for her to see "sure you can even walk Kerry" the smugness coming back into his voice again, seeing her turn around to glare at him "Your such a smartarse" laughter feeling his voice "as if I could ever forget that", watching as she starts to walk away her body swaying, he can't watch her in this state, he can't let her walk away like this, walking up to her, reaching out to touch her arm, feeling Lawson's touch on her bare skin, the tingle, the electricity there, she quickly pulls her arm away "Just go back inside to your finance Lawson, I'll see you at work.", watching as she turns around walking away, Lawson watches her, wanting to stop her, she is so stubborn, not only that who knows what she would do. Looking back towards the bar he hears laughter, Shannon is probably wondering where he is by now, wishing he could stop her, he turns around to walk back to the bar. Looking up he sees Leon walking towards him, he is the one person who has seen Kerry totally drunk, not able to stop her, from getting a tattoo, but at least someone calling out to him "Leon" seeing the intel office look at him, talking quickly to him, slight relief now hoping that Leon, will be able to find her. Looking towards the bar, he knows he should walk back inside, but why does Kerry's words to him, why do they actually mean something to him, they had both been there, yes he had slept with his boss years ago now, after Grace had died, the sexual chemistry there, that they gave into the moment, it was an amazing night, a night he had wished would happen again, but never did, it never would of worked out between them, beside he is with Shannon now, the woman he loved the one he cheated on, the one who forgave him gave him a second chance, the one who would be wondering by now where he was.

Walking back inside, it isn't long before he sees Shannon smiling at him, he quickly walks over to her, wrapping his arms around her giving her a quick kiss on the top of the head, seeing her look up at him, her eyes asking where he was, leaning down to whisper "Was saying goodbye to Kerry, she's gone home", even as he said that word, he really doubted that is where she would go, the state she was in, seeing Shannon look up at her, her eyes looking into his "Is she alright, Did something happen?", trying to hide his surprise, at her question he shakes his head, as Shannon continued "She just looked like she had a lot to drink", seeing her best friend next to her "Kerry had more than a lot to drink, she was plastered, should of given her more shots to drink, man I can't wait to see how she pulls up", seeing Lawson looking at her "what, it wasn't like I forced them down her, she willingly drunk them, the day Kerry said no to a drink, is the day we start to worry, and its not like anyone here isn't thinking the same thing", seeing Charlie next to her, she grabs his hand, leading him on to the dance floor "Dance with me", laughing at Stella, Lawson, turns to Shannon "Charlie has no idea what has hit him", smiling more to herself "I don't think he minds, and wouldn't mind being hit more" before wrapping her arms around Lawson, reaching up looking into his eyes, before finding his lips.

….

Hearing footsteps hurrying behind her, Kerry turns around seeing Leon there, her voice sighing not wanting company "what do you want Leon … Lawson sent you didn't he?"

Trying to feign some innocence shrugging "No" then seeing Kerry's eyes fixed upon him "Ok, he is worried about you, and there are way too many couples there….even Stella is no fun".

Turning around to face the intel officer her voice tired sighing "Leon, just go home, I don't need looking after" Seeing Leon, trying to look hurt "I thought you might want a drinking buddy, or catch a taxi", looking at him her eyes open and eyebrows raised "Leon I'm going to catch a taxi home, go back to the party, I'm fine"

Shaking his head "nah, think I'll go to another bar, there are some good ones in the city, if you want to come"

Trying not to smile at the intel officer, despite him being annoying, in a way she was kind of glad of company and didn't want to go back to her townhouse "Only one or two drinks, then I'm going"

….

Walking out of Southbank a while later, Shannon turns to Stella, smiling whispering to her "You have Charlie wrapped around your finger", seeing the smile on Stella's face, knowing the feelings mutual. Feeling Lawson's arm around her waist she looks up at him "you coming into the city" smiling down at Shannon he whispers "I can think of other things I prefer doing". Reaching up to touch his lips, she briefly kisses him "Hold that thought for later" before turning to the other two "lets go"

Walking over the bridge into the city, Lawson feels Shannon stroking his hand, whilst she talks to Stella, his thoughts drifting back to earlier that night, what Kerry said to him, it threw him, even now, walking with Shannon, his mind can't stop thinking about what she said, even if she didn't mean it to come out, her reaction and trying to cover it up said volumes. Wondering if Leon was able to get her home, or if like she usually is, speaking her mind, he left her.

Feeling Shannon's hand and arm ahead of him, he lets go of it, getting out his phone, looking at it, wanting to dial her number, to see how she is, feeling partly responsible for her state. Looking up he sees Shannon looking at him, her eyes searching his, wondering what was happening, smiling at her, hoping it reaches his face, he puts his phone away hurrying up to catch up with her hearing her whisper "we can go home if you want", shaking his head "I want to see where Stel takes us."

Walking into a bar in the city a while later Stella turns to Charlie, never expecting to socialise or anything, he was great to tease, but that was it, walking away after getting a drink Stella looks around, her mouth wide open, laughing, seeing Charlie and Shannon look at her, she points to the dance floor and one of the tables, handing Shannon her glass, getting out her phone.

Watching where Stella is pointing, Charlie and Shannon try not to laugh as they see Kerry on the dance floor, wondering how much she had to drink, looking at Stella he sees her getting out the phone, yelling for her to hear him "what are you doing?", not taking her eyes off Kerry "filming this, I can use this against her for such a long time" shaking his head "Stel…." Seeing her turn to look at him, her eyes full of innocence "this is too good not to", then grabbing his hand, she pulls him over closer to her, seeing him looking at her she whispers to him "I know you want to kiss me"

Looking at where Stella is pointing, Lawson's eyes open wide, he had seen Kerry in this state before, and knew that she would hate others to see her like that. Feeling a firm arm on her arm, she turns around facing Lawson, his face tinged with slight anger "Stella delete that now", ignoring Lawson and turning back to the others "who's up for a drink"

Turning to Shannon "Shan, lets go" nodding understanding Lawson, but slightly disappointed, not every day you see Kerry plastered like that. Before facing Stella "Stella lets find another place, we're not staying here"

Standing firm, "Lawson it's not work, you can't boss me around here, so what if Kerry is here and off her face"

His face worried about his team seeing the superior like this, more so he is worried about what they might say and how Kerry would feel "Stel, she would hate knowing we saw her like this", not even looking at Lawson, "maybe she should of thought of that before getting plastered"

Watching Kerry dance, Leon looks around, the one or two drinks, turned into four or more, he had lost count with the shots and vodka, hearing his name he looks up surprised to see Stella there.

Walking over to Leon, Stella has a smirk on her face, then turning to look at Kerry "How much has she had to drink" , seeing Leon looking at her and behind her, the scowl on Lawson's face "too much, not a word of this Stel", seeing her eyes sparkle "I mean it Stel, you can't tell anyone about this, Kerry won't want you or anyone seeing her like this" then looking at Charlie "especially Charlie, you all need to leave".

Shaking her head "No Leon, we have just arrived" then turning on her phone, at a distance she shows Leon "I can get so much out of this"

Watching Kerry, Leon sees her walking back towards him "Leave please all of you"

Stepping forward and grabbing Stella's arms firmly "we are going now Stella", trying to push Lawson away "Ouch Lawson, your hurting me, let go of me", seeing Shannon's eyes upon his, full of wonder and surprise, searching his as she walks up to him "Lawson let go of her", pulling his hand off Stella, he looks at Shannon briefly before walking towards Leon "Get her home Leon"

Looking at Kerry, staggering back, Charlie turns to Leon "You able to get her home" shrugging "I'll try".

Lawson looks at Charlie in surprise, he knew what Kerry thought of him, seems maybe he has some human part of him after all.

Nodding at Leon, Charlie goes to grab Stella, pulling her away, feeling Stella's arms wrap around his neck, pulling his mouth to hers, trying to disentangle himself from her, seeing Shannon walking away with Lawson, too late as Kerry walks up to Leon, grabbing his hand "C'mon Leon dance" picking up her drink not noticing Stella or Charlie. A smile on her face, Stella moves away from Charlie and steps forward "I'll dance with you Kerry?"

Watching Kerry, rub her hands across her face, trying to focus on the voice who was talking to her, seeing other people around her, her eyes focusing on them all, seeing a figure that is all too familiar to her "shit Lawson", Leon grabs her arm. "No dancing, I'm taking you home". Her head spinning, not able to argue with Leon, "I'm not going home, I want to dance", realising there is only one way to get her out of here, as she picks up her drink "lets go elsewhere..

Watching Leon put his arm on Kerry leading her out, Stella turns to Charlie and Leon her eyes full of worry "I'm not going to tell anyone about this, just get her home Leon, do you need us to help you", shaking his head "I'll just get her into a taxi"

…

Walking out of the bar a while later, Shannon looks at Lawson, knowing he is still not happy and not talking for a while "Do you know what's wrong with Kerry?' not hearing Shannon talk to him or her question, all he can think of Kerry at the bar, the state she was in, hoping that Leon can take her home, knowing she would hate anyone seeing her in that state, the last time Leon called him for help he walked away too, was he doing the right thing this time, one thing he knew was he wished the team didn't see her like that. Feeling Shannon stop and her voice again he looks at her

Seeing Shannon stopping and looking at him "earth to Lawson" seeing Lawson looking at her again "What's wrong with Kerry", shrugging there is no way he could tell her the truth and not wanting to go there, "How would I know", seeing Shannon's eyes upon him, looking at him, not quite believing him "did something happen when you talked to her before she left?"


	4. Chapter 4

Hearing Shannon's question, Lawson avoids looking at Shannon briefly, Kerry's words replaying on his mind, no way able to tell Shannon. Looking down at his fiancé he smiles at her "No,… It was just everyone seeing her like that, it isn't Kerry",

Seeing the smile on Shannon's face "Leon will make sure she gets home safely, you did the right thing Lawson. Your not Kerry's boyfriend or father, she doesn't need you looking after her, she's responsible for her own actions, she just doesn't realise that or want to admit it, she goes too far". Then looking at Lawson "Stop worrying about her, its not like anyone forced her to drink, its not like she would accept your help anyway, she's just an alcoholic….. I'm sure I can take your mind off her"

Looking straight ahead, that was Kerry's problem, her actions, and taking responsibility for them or using her position for her own good. She had changed from the person who first came to TR, straight down the line in a way to someone who now bends the rules, or blurs them sometimes. He knows Shannon is right, he isn't responsible for her, but why does he feel so responsible, why can't Shannon be more understanding, calling her an alcoholic, was just a low blow.

Looking at Lawson deep in thought, Shannon turns away, wondering if there was more to what Lawson said, he was one weird guy not even taking notice of her last sentence, not pushing it for the time being, "Have you talked to her about transferring, do you know where you want to go yet".

His head still away from Shannon and her talking, he is brought back to the presence, he didn't want to think about leaving TR not for the time being, yes they talked about it, but the truth is he will miss it and alot "can we talk about this another time Shan, I don't want to think about it", seeing Shannon's eyes and face look at his her voice soft "What's going on Lawson?" , wondering why Shannon is pushing it, he didn't want to talk about it now, his voice then firmer and louder "Yes, I've talked to Kerry about it. I just want to get home."

Turning to face Lawson the tone in his voice, slightly worrying her, needing to know "What did she say, I take it she isn't happy about it, but if I'm taking over your position, thought, there shouldn't be a problem. She doesn't want you to leave, does she?"

Thinking back to the conversation with Kerry, was that why she didn't want him to leave and getting annoyed at Shannon pushing him and calling Kerry names, when he didn't want to talk about it, he snaps at her "Your not taking over from me, Kerry is advertising the job you just need to apply like everyone else, Shan I just want to get home"

Stopping at looking at Lawson, surprise on her face and hurt he didn't say anything earlier "How long have you known?" seeing Lawson not answer her, "I don't know what the matter is or your problem, but go home. I'm going back to my place".

Walking off, slowly, Shannon waits or hopes for the footsteps that would come after her not wanting to look around to see where Lawson is, walking about 50 metres, she turns around, not seeing Lawson there, blinking back tears what just happened, this was meant to be a great night, her engagement party she should be spending it with Lawson at his or her place together instead she is catching a taxi back to her place by herself.

Watching Shannon walk off, how did it come to this, he knows he should walk after her and apologise, for some reason his feet just won't follow her, how did it escalate to this, this is their engagement, instead he turns around to hail a taxi.

…

Leaving the nightclub, they walk towards the taxi rank, Charlie supporting Stella, who had way too much to drink. Hailing a taxi he hops in with her, stopping at her place, he helps her out of the taxi up to the door, opening it giggling "home sweet home, you want to come inside", turning to face Charlie, her words slurred "want another drink", smiling at her "I think you've had enough", laughing at him "I've never had enough". Turning to face him, her face close to hers "why did you bring me home", smiling at her "to make sure you came home safely", her mouth inches from his "sure that is all, admit it Charlie, you wanted to come back here with me". Trying not to laugh or smile at her, trying to ignore the fact that her face/mouth so close to his "Is that right", nodding as she inches closer "Yep". Holding her gaze, he lowers his lips onto her, wrapping his arms around her, drawing her closer to him, as he feels her hands undoing his shirt and pants, he feels his hands moving around her body slowly taking her clothes off.

….

Stopping off at Kerry's place, Leon helps her out of the taxi, walking her up to the door, as he takes the keys off her. Opening the door, he helps her inside leading her over to the lounge lying her down, as she passes out.

Looking around he finds a blanket, putting it over her. Looking at her lying there so vunerable, watching her as her chest rises, if truth be told, he was more than happy to take Kerry back, make sure she got home safely, part of him, wishes she hadn't passed out, even made a pass at him, deep down he had feelings for her, for a long time, yes she was a hard boss, but she was a good boss, she was moody and had her moments where you wished you were elsewhere, but when it came down to it, she was great. Looking at her face, it would be so easy to go over there and kiss her on the lips good night.

Watching her sleep, and knowing how much she had to drink, he couldn't leave her by herself. Getting a blanket he walks over to the other lounge before lying down on it.

….

Waking up the following morning, Charlie feels a body on top of his arm the arm draped across his body, hearing the body stirring as his hand strokes her face, he had wanted this for so so long, never acting on the feeling he had for Stella, remaining friends with her, since had had left the squad, going out occasionally, never leading anywhere. Seeing Stella stir, as she looks up at him "good morning .sleepy head", getting a mumble reply before feeling Charlie's lips upon hers as she feels his body on top of hers.

…

Waking up, Kerry's head feels like a truck had run over it, smelling coffee or something opening her eyes slightly, she feels someone looking at her "Good morning" sitting up trying to focus as she sees Leon in the kitchen, no she didn't, she wouldn't, she can't even remember any of last night what so ever, most of it all a blur.

Seeing Kerry waking up and looking around trying to see who is there, Leon walks over closer to her, seeing her eyes widen before saying "Oh god, oh god, no", walking quickly over to her "No….before you jump to any" hearing Kerry interrupting him "very bad conclusions"

Seeing Leon nodding "You left the engagement party, and we went into the city, you had a few too many to drink, so I helped you back here, where you passed out. I didn't want to leave you by yourself. Nothing happened"

Looking up at Leon, she remembers going to the engagement party one she still wished she never went to, walking outside it but not much more , looking at Leon holding a cup of coffee "that's all….anything stronger", shaking his head "that's it…it's a strong coffee"

Looking around Kerry's place, it is neat, not much there, but neat, looking at Kerry, he feels a bit weird, what now she has woken up, should he just leave.

Seeing Leon just standing there watching her, she feels grateful but wanting to be by herself she looks at him and smiles getting up off the lounge "thanks for last night Leon…"

Nodding "I better go, I'll see you at work tomorrow", nodding and groaning, she lies back on the lounge, her head hurting before deciding on a shower.

…

Hearing his phone ring, Lawson wakes up, answering it. Hanging up in shock, he quickly gets dressed, putting on anything he could find. Hopping in the car, putting his hands on the wheel, driving in auto drive, he couldn't of heard right. Stopping quickly to make a phone call, yes it was true, how could it be true, how could it of happened.

…..

Hopping out of the shower wrapping the towel around her for the time being, thankful for the day off, the hot water slightly helping her but not much her head not feeling too good.

Walking down the stairs to get something before heading back up, hearing the front door bell ring, not even glancing at the intercom no doubt Leon forgotten something, answering the door, the surprise on her face evident, the last person she wants to see.

Seeing Lawson standing there, staring at her, memories of the night before flashing before her in bits and pieces, "what do you want Lawson?" looking at Kerry, the water dripping off her hair, obvious just had a shower, the towel wrapped around her body, her long slender legs, trying not to stare "can I come in", not even replying to him but leaving the door open walking away from him, he follows her inside.

Walking over to the lounge, to where Kerry is standing near the stairs, he can't help but stare, why did she have to answer the door like that her voice tired "what is it Lawson". A slight smirk on his face "are you going to put something on" Looking down at the towel, she had forgotten she hadn't put anything on "oh shit…..its not like you haven't seen it before", seeing Lawson roll his eyes calling out "You call me the smart arse" before walking upstairs.

Sitting on the couch, Lawson looks around, he had been to Kerry's place but not often, looking at the bench, not surprised to see bottles of wines there, seeing an empty glass on the table.

Walking back down stairs a short time later, Kerry pauses slightly, why is Lawson here, couldn't he just stay away today, What did she say last night, what did she do, anything, she can't even remember anything arriving at the bar, and walking outside that is about it.

Walking into the kitchen pouring herself a glass of wine "bit early for drinking isn't it?", glaring at him her voice coming out part sigh and not that friendly "what do you want Lawson." As she walks back towards him, looking at him, there is sadness in his eyes. Turning to face her "Kerry, Josh is dead"


	5. Chapter 5

_**Thank you for your reviews**_

_**Sorry in advance all you Shannon/Lawson fans, I couldn't help myself, but who knows maybe it won't ruin their relationship maybe it is a false alarm. **_

…

Looking at Lawson, did he say what she just thought he said, no she heard him wrong, feeling Lawson's hand on her arm "I got a phone call from Tash this morning, to say Josh had died". Staring at Lawson, so many questions going through her mind, picking up her glass she takes a big gulp, before walking over to pour herself another one "Want one",

Nodding at Kerry's question, did she hear him properly, did she already know, he didn't know what to expect from her but not this

Walking up to her in the kitchen grabbing her arm "Kerry, did you hear me, Josh is dead, or did you already know that"

Shaking her head, she walks over to the lounge "No…." the her eyes looking around her place "I had heard from him since he left TR", looking at Kerry in surprise that she had kept that to herself, and slightly hurt that she hadn't told him, also wondering how much or what he told her "where had he been?"

Fiddling with her hands, easier than looking at Lawson "to his parents property, then he got a job with special forces." Before looking back up at Lawson "why didn't you tell me, you had heard from him, I ….."

Looking into his eyes "If he wanted you to know Lawson, he would of told you", nodding what Kerry said was true, wondering how much she actually knew what did Josh tell her, hearing her voice "what happened?", wondering if she meant between them or how he died", looking around her apartment "I stuffed up, I ruined a friendship with my best friend, and nearly stuffed up my relationship with Shannon", trying not to flinch at the last words he said, knowing she would have to get used to that sentence she nods "How did he die, I know you fucked Tash, that punch at base you more than deserved and yet Shannon still forgave you" the bitterness slightly there in the last few words.

Pouring himself another glass of wine, bringing the bottle over "All I could find out he was shot in the line of duty" seeing Kerry's eyes wide open "Josh was the officer shot last night" nodding his surprise that she knew that "you knew about it" seeing her look at him "I heard about an incident last night, on the radio about an officer being shot, and dying later in hospital". Looking at Kerry "that would be the one, Tash called me as she was on duty, and I didn't believe her at first, so made a few phone calls"

Lifting up her glass towards Lawson "to Sergeant Brendan Joshua" a smile on her lips, "never really thought he would last in TR when I first arrived", leaning back on the lounge, Lawson remembers there first meeting, "I didn't think you would last either?", looking at him her eyebrows raised "didn't think or didn't want?", a laugh coming out of him "probably both at first" looking at him raising her eyebrows at him "at first, I thought it was more than that."

A smile on his face "we all just got used to you and knew you were there to stay, even if you did want to get rid of me"

Laughing at Lawson's comment "You were a smart arse", topping up their drink "As if I could ever forget that, were does that mean I'm not anymore?" giving a short laugh "you'll always be"

Bringing her feet up on the lounge, looking at Lawson "have you told anyone else about Josh?" the question simple, but hard to answer, how does he say no, not even Shannon, Kerry was the first person he had told, that he had forgotten even about telling Shannon "not yet" seeing Kerry's eyes open wider her eyebrows higher but saying nothing

Hearing Lawson say that, trying to hide her surprise, wanting to ask not even Shannon and wondering why, wondering why he is staying here with her, what did she say last night to him, him giving no evidence of her saying anything.

Picking up the bottle Lawson looks at Kerry "got any more", nodding but unable to move "on the bench, bring a few over"

Sitting back down, drinking the wine, unable to leave, wondering if Kerry remembers anything about last night, "Did you have a good time last night?", eyeing Lawson suspiciously, wondering again what happened "It was ok…" laughing at Kerry's answer "You don't remember much do you, so much for your one drink or two" Glaring at Lawson, he wasn't at the nightclub or wherever else she went "I didn't have that much to drink" Seeing Lawson trying to contain a smirk his eyebrows raised "depends on what that much is, do you remember anything?"

Her eyes darting around her apartment, did she remember anything "drinking shots with Stella going…..why am I telling you this"

A smirk coming on his face leaning closer to her "why not" Seeing Lawson's face nearing hers, she looks up, her eyes meeting his, damm him, why did he have to look so dam cute and gorgeous, his voice a soft whisper "You looked beautiful last night", her eyes maintaining his contact her heart beating faster, feeling his hand upon her bare arm, the tingling going right through to her spine.

Picking up her glass and trying to walk to the kitchen, opening the fridge, to try to control her breathing and self control.

Watching Kerry walk away from him, Lawson can't help but stare at her, something just happened between them, knowing he should leave, but the alcohol affecting his brain, he gets up off the seat, going to head towards the door, he sees Kerry pausing at the fridge, there was something there about her, something drawing him towards her.

Feeling Lawson's breath on her neck as he pushes the hair away, wrapping his arms around her waist, turning her around to look at him, her voice barely a whisper her trying to get her breathing back to normal "I think you better leave", feeling his brown eyes boring right through her , hearing those words from Kerry, Lawson can't move, standing on the spot, all he can do is look at Kerry, see her there, not the confident person she usually is, her face looking into his holding her gaze, his arms still wrapped around her waist, feeling her skin tingling under his touch, whispering in her ear "sure that is what you want" as his hands move to her legs, her voice barely audible her breathing becoming more rapid "No…..but" feeling his fingers upon her lips, as he leans towards her, his mouth only inches from hers their breathing becoming heavier, feeling Lawson's hands moving up her thigh a sigh escaping from her lips "Lawson are you…" not able to finish the sentence as she feels his lips upon hers.

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Kerry responds to his kisses, deep down knowing it was wrong, that nothing would happen, but the alcohol she had drunk the past two days, fogging up her brain, feeling his kissing intensifying, and his hands moving around her body, feeling her clothing fall to the ground, responding to his kisses, she finds her hands fumbling with his zipper on his pants, before taking his shirt off.

….

Waking up early in the morning, Kerry looks around, where is she, it is her bedroom, feeling an arm under her, and a body next to her, her mind foggy, she hadn't gone anywhere last night, or yesterday, she stayed at home, then Lawson came to tell her, shit Josh is dead… no Lawson, she didn't they didn't, no way. Opening her eyes, wanting to know and not wanting to know, oh shit, she would know that face anywhere, what, how. Trying to untangle their legs, which were entwined which each other, their bodies close together, glancing down at herself and then at Lawson, hoping against hope what she hoped for wasn't true, both of them naked, their bodies close together. Closing her eyes, hoping this nightmare would go away, opening them again, no Lawson was still there, she is sure of it now, they slept together, had sex, rolling over away from it, yep they definitely did. Sitting up on the bed, the horror on her face, bringing her knees up to her, she needs him out of here, she has to be at work soon, and needing to gather herself.

Moving away from Lawson, Kerry taps his shoulder, softly at first before getting harder, hearing him stir, his eyes looking up at her confused, the same confusion that was in her eyes at first. "Get up and out of here, We have to be at work in a few hours"

Looking at Kerry "Oh shit" the realisation of what has happened, seeing her nod trying to contain the smirk on her face.

….

Walking out of Kerry's apartment, early in the morning, Lawson pauses at the door, his brain starting to clear now, a few hours before he starts work. What happened, how did it happen, fuck he is engaged to Shannon, he works with them both, Kerry is his boss. Closing his eyes, the images still remain, how much did they both drink, even as much as they did have to drink, the fact is still there he slept with his boss, he cheated on Shannon yet again.

Hopping in the car, all he can do is grip the wheel, how can he face Shannon in a few hours, act like nothing has happened, all is normal between them. Banging the steering wheel, how could he be so stupid, how could he of acted on the feelings Kerry had for him.

Pulling away from Kerry's he drives towards base, his mind elsewhere. Arriving a short time later, he is thankful no one is about, going up to the gym, working out before going for a run.

His thoughts going back to the night before, did he really kiss Kerry, did he sleep with her, that fact he could not hide, feeling, waking up to her hitting her, and tossing him out of her apartment, no doubt embarrassed about it as much as he is, both of them having to face each other soon, him also having to face Shannon. Running faster and faster, his breath coming heavy struggling but pushing himself on, the truth of why, Josh was dead his best mate he would never see again, never say sorry too, never have a beer with again.

…..

Sitting on the edge of the bed, her head in her hands, the reason Lawson came over, Josh had died, Josh was the officer that had died, she thought after a while he would come back to TR, now that would never happen. Walking downstairs, she looks around at the mess, her clothes strewn over the floor, doing the one thing she does best she grabs a glass of wine, sitting on the lounge, turning the radio on, opening her computer, staring at the screen, the words a jumble, meaning nothing hearing the news report again of the officer shot last night, she picks up a cushion throwing it across the room, blinking back the tears threatening to form.

Grabbing her keys the last place she wants to be at TR, even seeing Lawson, how is she going to face Shannon, one of her team members, she is the team leader, TR leader, here she is sleeping with one of her work mates. Sitting in the car her hands gripping the steering wheel, she has to tell the team today about Josh, after their shift, damm, now she has to ring Lawson, they never even talked about telling the team.

…

Running back into TR, Lawson sees Shannon ahead walking towards the lock room, stopping and looking at his fiancé, he really didn't deserve her, looking around he sighs in relief that Kerry's car isn't there, watching Shannon walk away oblivious to him being there, the guilt he feels, nothing he is able to do to take back the previous night, walking towards the locker room, he hears is phone ring, looking down at the caller ID, he ignores it, looking up he sees Shannon looking at him, her eyes slightly hard and questioning, trying to smile, at her, hearing his phone again, he sees Shannon looking at him hoping his face is remaining neutral giving nothing away, "you going to answer it" seeing him shake his head the curiousity in her eyes as she looks at him, like the phone was going to bite him, reaching out and grabbing it, she sees the caller ID, looking back up at Lawson no smile on her face "why are you avoiding Kerry's phone calls?"


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

Looking at his phone and back at Shannon, the guilt there as he looks at his finance, if she ever found out, their relationship would be over for good, he didn't want to see her so soon, the running only slightly clearing his head, still so many questions or thoughts going through his mind, both people there one ringing him, for who knows what, with Kerry, something he had done, and the woman he loved in front of him. The running made him realise yes he did love Shannon, why he slept with Kerry he had no idea, he had feelings for his boss and had for a long time, but those feelings he was pretty sure weren't the same he felt for Shannon.

Looking at Lawson, Shannon was hurt, the fact that he didn't ring her all weekend, he left her stranded after the night club, on Saturday night and nothing until today, not one message or anything and so far not even a sorry. Looking at him now, he didn't even want to look at her in the face, and the look on his face as he looked at his phone, yes he had cheated her on all that time ago, but that was in the past, she trusted him now, didn't she, if she didn't trust him what future did they have, at the moment she was wondering if any at all. Needing to know what was going on, something definitely was.

Brought back to the present by Shannon's voice "You ignoring Kerry's calls? Why", looking up at Shannon "if its important she'll ring back, I'm talking to you", seeing the look on Shannon's face and their was hurt their she was trying to hide, "I'm sorry Shan", seeing her face soften slightly, the words he did mean he was well and truly sorry, but not for what she thought, he was sorry for what he did last night, the face he slept with his boss. Hearing his phone ring again, he knew who it was, and the more he ignored it, the more Shannon would question him, trying to keep his voice normal and answer the phone like he normally would "Good morning Kerry"

Hearing Lawson finally answer the phone, did he really think she would ring him if she didn't have to, that she wanted to speak to him at the moment, truth be told, she didn't want to see or speak to him for a long time, but as childish as that was, there was no way around it . Her voice loud and angry "you shit, don't ignore my calls when I ring"

Moving his phone away from his ear, giving Shannon an apologetic look before walking away from her "what do you want Kerry?" "When I call, don't you dare hang up on me"

Rolling his eyes, at her, wondering what she wanted "I didn't hang up, I just didn't' answer…" hearing Kerry interrupt him "Your such a smart arse Lawson", the grin on his face, he has no doubt that Kerry is fuming, and he is enjoying it "so you keep telling me, what do you want Kerry, the shift is about to start, we have to have a team briefing, and your running late"

Wanting to throw her phone somewhere, as she is driving along, she is over Lawson at the moment "I'm nearly there, we need to talk before you leave"

Walking well away from TR, his voice soft and barely audible "No we don't, last night didn't happen, there is nothing to talk about. I'm engaged shit Kerry"

Taking a deep breath, as if she wanted to talk to Lawson she wanted to forget last night ever happened "shit Lawson grow up what are you in grade 6, I don't want to remember or ever talk about last night, one that shouldn't of happened, bit late to remember your engaged now"

The last sentence of Kerry ringing true and the guilt building up again, of course he should of known Kerry wouldn't want to talk about it, unless she had a personality transplant which would improve her a lot of the time, but then she wouldn't be Kerry then. "what did you want" hearing Kerry sigh and no doubt a roll of her eyes, the one word coming out "Josh, don't tell them yet" then a pause before continuing "I'm 5 minutes away"

…..

Pulling into TR, how easy it would be not to come, not to face Lawson or Shannon, or anyone really, she had no idea what state she was in Saturday night, but whatever it was, she was sure I wasn't good. Seeing Lawson walk out of the locker room, pausing as he looked at her and the car, seeing Shannon close behind him, she is sure that he wouldn't tell her. Getting out of the car, she sees Lawson walking towards her, taking a deep breath, she turns to face the other way she can't look at him, damm why did he still have to look so good. Seeing Stella look at her, as she calls out, shit, what did she do, "don't you have somewhere you have to be Stella?"

Walking down the corridor, she hears the footsteps behind her, walking towards an office she closes the door behind her, the air filled with slight tension, sitting down and looking up at him "you haven't told them out Josh?" shaking his head "not yet" seeing Kerry nod "good, let them do the shift, then afterwards, we can all have a few drinks at base and tell them then". Looking at Kerry "any excuse for a drink Kerry, you don't really need an excuse though" Seeing Kerry's eyes narrow towards him her voice low and firm, controlling her anger "I'm not the one who got drunk and cheated on my financee Lawson", walking away from Kerry, keeping his voice under control "no, but you didn't pull away either." Then walking closer to her "you're the one who said she was in love with me"

Hearing Lawson say that, she tries to hide the shocked look on her face her eyes darting around the room, looking everywhere but at Lawson, did she really say that to him, no she never would have, would she, how much did she drink, shit, it was getting worse and the day was only just beginning, determination to get back in control and on top of the situation, shit she was his boss, she had to be in control now, no yelling and screaming, as much as she wanted to. Standing up her eyes slightly down "Last night happened Lawson, its better we don't talk about it just forget it happened"

Looking up at Lawson "I'm going over to see Tash later, Minka got them to try to sort through their problems" Looking at Kerry, slightly sadness in her eyes "I can see Tash if you want", seeing her raise his eyebrows at him "its fine, I don't think you should go over, considering what happened last time" nodding at Kerry, how could he forget, yet again he did it all over again "ok, let me know if I can do anything" looking up at Kerry, he sees her looking at a picture on the wall of the original squad, looking at her face, he sees her eyes with tears, walking over to touch her arm, she feels him fling it off "don't Lawson, I'm fine"

…

Walking out to TR2, Shannon sees Kerry's car arrive, and Lawson standing on the spot, watching as her boss gets out, glancing at Lawson then Shannon, something in her eyes, embarrassment, guilt, there was something there she was sure of it, she was probably embarrassed at seeing people witness her in the state she was in, feeling Stella's arms on her, she turns around, watching a grin on Stella's face ass he calls out "Kerry looking better today, want to come out and party again"

Laughing as Kerry tries to contain the shocked look, on her face and Shannon trying to stop smiling, she hears Kerry calling out don't you have somewhere you have to be Stella? shaking her head "I'm ready the others aren't" as she watches Kerry walk away.

Turning to face Shannon, she looks at her, seeing something there not her normal self. Pulling her away from the others "what's up", shaking her head "I'm fine Stel" shaking her head at her friend "bullshit Shan, I'm sorry I missed your calls I was umm…..busy."

Seeing Shannon raise her eyebrows at her "Busy with a certain Senior Sergeant" ignoring Shannon's question "shouldn't you still be happy Shan, your engaged, why on earth you want to go out with Lawson though", her voice soft "If we are engaged"

Stopping to look at her friend, shock on her face, "what happened Shan?". Looking at Stella, slightly grateful for someone to talk to, is she going crazy, did Lawson still want to be with her "I dunno, we went to catch a taxi, ended up in a fight" interrupting her "about what?", her voice slightly bitter "Kerry, why does he have to stick up for her all the time?" continuing on "I haven't heard from him since, he said hello today, but not a phone call text or anything over the weekend Stel. Maybe I'm paranoid but it is like something happened and he's not telling me." Giving a half smile to her friend, Stella can't believe in a way, despite everything, she was sure Lawson loved Shannon "Lawson would never go there Shan, he is in love with you. Maybe it is just Kerry getting drunk on Saturday night. Talk to him", looking up as they hear footsteps, Stella looks at Kerry, her face tight "What are you two still doing here….I would of thought no one would be here considering your shift started 15 minutes ago, get out on the road now", nodding at their boss, before walking off, Shannon turns to Stella "whats up her bum", not looking at her friend "Nothing, that's her problem, she needs sex", laughing at Stella "That's your solution to everything", shrugging "can only help, she's hot for someone her age, I'd do her", shaking her head at Stella, as they hop in the car.

Smiling to himself, trying to control his laughter, Leon over hears Stella's conversation, picking up his phone, calling her. Hanging up the phone, Stella turns to Shannon "shit our mics are on"

….

At the end of the shift, as they are getting to leave, Stella looks up as Lawson as Kerry walks into the locker room, glancing at Shannon, seeing her face neutral, as Kerry walks over leaning against the wall.

Looking around, how many times has she had to come in to here and give the team bad news, too many to count, "There is no easy way to say this, Josh was killed Saturday night in the line of duty. His funeral will be at the end of the week, anyone who wants to go, just let me or Lawson know"

Stella looks at Kerry in shock and surprise, Josh had always been like a big brother to her, "How long have you known?", her eyes darting around the locker room "I found out yesterday", looking up at Kerry, why didn't she say anything "why didn't you say anything this morning or earlier"

Sitting down on the table, fiddling with her hands, Kerry looks at Stella "you had a shift to do, what difference does it make", slamming her locker shut "you should of told us earlier". Looking at the rest of the team, as Lawson speaks up "there's beer in the fridge" as they get up to leave.

Looking up at Lawson, Shannon tries to hide her surprise, wondering how long he knew, and why he didn't tell her, walking out of the locker room, she walks up to him "How long have you known?". Looking at Shannon, he knew he should of told her, before she heard from Kerry or anyone else, but he didn't he didn't want to admit the fact Josh had died, or how he coped with it "I found out yesterday morning", not even looking at Lawson, wondering who this person was she was engaged too "You didn't think of telling me?".

Not wanting to get into a fight with her "Shan, I found out my mate was dead, I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, I'm sorry if I didn't tell you straight away". Stopping and grabbing his arm "did you tell Kerry when you found out?", seeing her eyes looking into his, what was he to say, yes, and one thing led to another, "Kerry had been in contact with Josh, since he left TR…..Shan, I don't want to fight with you, just leave it. I've lost my best mate and now there is no way for him to know how sorry I am and to make it up to him" walking away towards the table.


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

Sitting around the table, the beers flowing each member bringing up the memories of Josh. The 2 original members now and Leon, along with Shannon and Christian, hearing footsteps, Kerry looks up seeing Charlie walk in, saying nothing but raising her eyes at Stella.

Seeing all eyes upon her, as Stella speaks "You haven't said much Kerry", giving a small smile, what was she to say, she would miss the Sergeant now, despite the rocky start they got off too "he was a good sergeant, when he could control his temper"

Leaning back in the chair slightly, sipping the beer, talking to no one in particular, Stella's eyes far away "He was like a big brother, annoying, pesky, someone you didn't think you got get rid of, but loyal he had your back always." Then looking at Shannon "Bet Shannon knew more about him than most of us, other than Lawson", seeing her friend glare at her her voice a warning tone "Stel…."

Putting the beer bottle down, Kerry gets up from the chair, "that's it from me, see you guys tomorrow" as she walks out, "Hope there will be no reports tomorrow of gun fire or reports of gun shots into towers tonight" before walking to her car.

Watching Kerry walk out, Christian turns to the others "she knew it was us last time, why didn't she say anything?"

Sipping his drink, Lawson knew Kerry knew last time "what do you think she made us do, looking for gun dealers, she has her own ways"

Shannon not even looking at Lawson "You mean does things her own way"

Looking around, seeing most have finished their beer "Duty calls", seeing the others nod, as they head out of base, handing a gun to Leon "don't shoot any clocks this time". Arriving at Fitzroy, late at night again, in a line, Shannon on one end, and Stella on the other, looking around, before firing the gun straight up, each member saying "for Josh"

Holding the gun in his hand, Leon, aims in the sky, never really using a gun, never wanting too, feeling the vibration as he pulls the trigger hearing a noise again "shit, at least it was the roof that time", as the rest fire, before they all bow their heads in a solumn bow before quickly getting out of there.

Walking away, deep in thought, Lawson hears Shannon's voice, and her tender touch on his arms, "want to come back to my place, I've missed you the last few nights", smiling at his finance "I've missed you too, can I take a rain check?"

Nodding at Lawson, Shannon knows how much Josh meant to him, and that she closed him out with her rape, all she can do is give him time, but part of her wondering if there is more to it, why can't he look at her in the eyes, want to spend time with her. "I'll see you tomorrow" before walking off.

…..

Walking into his place the following night, Lawson looks around, missing Shannon, and wishing she was there, but unable to face her and spend time with her. The guilt eating away at him, but unable to tell her, he can't lose her, not after all of this. With no none to talk to, his best mate now dead and he didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. Turning on the TV, lying back on the couch, he can't keep on avoiding Shannon, he was the one who slept with Kerry, the one who should of pulled away and left. He should be happily engaged, instead he feels like shit.

**A few days later**

Walking into the locker room at the end of the shift, Shannon looks up as she sees Lawson, trying to give him some space looking up at him "are we alright Lawson?", closing the locker door, looking at her "we're fine Shannon, I just needed time, and some space", turning around and seeing Shannon's eyes looking at him, searching his face and eyes, before looking away from her. "I needed time alone, I didn't mean to push you away. So much has happened, Josh died and I never said I was sorry, or tried to make it up to him, or even find out where he was, I didn't make an effort to make things right between us, and now I never will.." Feeling Shannon's lips on top of his head "I love you Lawson Blake" then sitting down next to him "despite everything, I'm sure Josh and you would of made up, he just needed time Lawson, like I did. It hurt what you did, took me a while to forgive you but Josh found out later" looking up at Shannon and into her eyes "I love you Sergeant Shannon Henry", feeling his lips upon hers seeing Lawson look her in the eyes she reaches up and tenderly touches his cheek "you can't get rid of me this easily"

Picking up his things "feel like beer, pizza and DVD", reaching for his hand looking up at him "we could skip the DVD", smiling at her, and quickly kissing her on the lips "I have the perfect DVD", turning to face him "You are one weird guy Lawson Blake"

…..

**NINE WEEKS LATER**

Racing to the bathroom again for the fourth time that morning, she had to make an appointment with the doctor, the nausea and throwing up had been going on for a few days now, stopping early afternoon or mid morning to enable her to do some work the past two days. Not even able to keep a glass of wine down, walking back downstairs to her computer, the safest bet working at home.

Walking into TR, Lawson looks around, walking into the communications room "Kerry not around,?", looking at Lawson, Leon shrugs "She should be in later?".

Arriving at TR a while later, still not feeling 100%, but needing to get some work done, without it piling up.

Hearing footsteps, Leon turns around, surprise at seeing Kerry "You look like me after a huge night?", glaring at Leon, "I'm not feeling…" then shaking his head "why am I telling you this, don't disturb me unless its an emergency" walking into her cubicle. Sitting at her desk the waves of nausea sweeping over her, getting out and running to the bathroom, standing at the sink afterwards, looking into the mirror, her hands running over her face. Staring at the mirror, her hands running down her body, her eyes wide open, shaking her head no, she had to be wrong.

Watching Kerry run out of her cubicle towards the bathroom, Leon's face full of concern, turning around as he hears footsteps, looking up he sees Kerry grabbing her bag "Everything Ok?", ignoring his question, no it isn't, nothing is ok "I'll be on my mobile" before hurrying to her car.

Arriving home, she grabs the package out of her car, staring at it in her hand, like its burning a hole in it, opening up the package staring at it, can she do it, does she want to know, is it better not knowing. Shaking as she holds it, waiting for the result, can she pick it up now, will it tell her what she doesn't want to know or hear. Picking up the stick, looking at it, yes her worse fears are confirmed, the two lines appearing, damm, it no, this can't be happening, not now not ever. Staring at the mirror holding the stick in her hand, shit what to do now.

Walking back downstairs, getting a glass of wine off the bench, one glass won't hurt, opening her computer, the screen might as well be blank, so many thoughts going through her head. How did she let this happen, grabbing the bottle pouring herself another glass, there is no way she can tell anyone.

Putting on her joggers early the following morning, needing to clear her head, the thought of going to work, seeing anyone, closing the door behind her, she heads off, her feet pounding along the pavement, running faster and faster, her breathing becoming faster and faster, trying to run away from what she knows. Heading back towards her house, digging around for her keys, damm, she left them in her house, going over to her spare key, she looks around, getting out her phone, she calls Leon "Send a patrol car around with my keys, there in the top drawer left hand side", tapping her feet impatiently, before Leon comes back to the phone "there not there Kerry", her voice louder, trying to show her exasperation "Leon, left hand side on the top drawer, I know they are there"., after what seems like forever, she hears Leon's voice again "I'll send a patrol car around. How are you feeling?", his last sentence not heard as she hangs up the phone.

…

Walking into TR base early the following morning, Lawson looks around his relationship with Shannon now stronger, walking into the communications room, he sees Leon turning to face him "Kerry isn't coming in today, if you need her, call her mobile", ignoring Leon, Lawson walks out, hopping in the TR1 car, calling Shannon on his way.

Hearing a knock on the door, Kerry goes to answer it, opening the door she tries to hide her surprise, what is Lawson doing here, turning her back before walking back to the living room. Hearing Lawson's voice "What's going on Kerry", turning to face Lawson but her eyes slightly down "nothing, what are you doing here?" walking closer to her "you haven't come in to work the fast few days, I was worried about you" seeing her eyes raised at him but saying nothing, "talk to me Kerry", walking away from him, her eyes darting around the room "I'm fine Lawson, was a bit off colour, I'll be in tomorrow".

Looking around the room, Lawson sees an empty glass next to her computer, despite her saying she was fine, she looked pale, he knew her better than believe her.

Her eyes going back to Lawson "Don't you have a job to attend to", shaking his head "Shannon can take care of that, what's going on here Kerry , talk to me", shaking her head, there is no way she can talk to him, no way she could ever let him find out. Looking up into his eyes her voice firm "There is nothing to talk about Lawson, I'm fine". Walking towards the door, Lawson turns around "I'm here if you need to talk", giving him a short smile as she follows him to the door, damm why did he have to care about her, why couldn't he just leave her alone. Closing the door behind him, she leans against it, her tough exterior gone, the vunerability showing, as tears forms her eyes, she is too old to be pregnant, too old for any of this, most of all she wished she didn't love Lawson still after all these years, and that he would just leave her alone.

…..

Arriving at base the following morning, Kerry sees Shannon and Lawson arrive, taking a deep breath, trying to control the way she is feeling, coming to a decision last night, one which she knows she will have to tell Lawson soon. Motioning for them to come over, she sees Lawson drop Shannon's hand, his eyes glancing at Shannon before looking back at her.

Feeling Lawson's body tense, as Kerry motions them over, as he drops her hand, he was holding, glancing at Lawson then back at Kerry "do you know what she wants", not really hearing Shannon's voice wondering what Kerry wanted to see them both of them for, he doubts that Kerry would ever tell Shannon, but he can't help but worry that she will find out.


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8

Following Kerry, Shannon notices Lawson tense up, squeezing his hand, since when had he been scared of Kerry, he gives as good as he gets. Walking into the office the door closed behind them, Kerry sits on the table looking up at them, trying not to smile at Lawson's discomfort, and Shannon glancing at both of them. Enjoying watching Lawson squirm, how she would love to prolong this to instead she looks at both of them "Have you decided on a date for the wedding?", hating to ask that but with people above her, wanting to know she had no choice. Looking at Kerry and back at Lawson, they hadn't really discussed a date yet hopefully soon, hearing Lawson's voice "we haven't decided on a date yet?" nodding "I really shouldn't have engaged couples in Tactical Response, I need a decision within the next month or so, where you want to be transferred to" looking at Lawson she still doesn't want him transferred and needs to speak to him as soon as she decides what to do. "Let me know, and I will get the paperwork going, if you can't decide I will make the decision for you"

Looking at Lawson and back at Kerry, Shannon knew the day would come, but hoped it wouldn't be for a while, wasn't it married couples that weren't allowed in the squad, she thought she was staying "It will be Lawson transferring I'm staying here", raising her eyebrows at Lawson, obviously he didn't tell Shannon about their conversation "Shannon, I will not be offering you Lawson's position, if he is the one that leaves, then I will be advertising the position, you can apply for it, but you need to step up and prove yourself more, to even be considered for it. It's a tough world, you have not shown you have what it takes to be in control of TR when I'm not here"

Listening to Kerry, Shannon glances at Lawson his face set firm, his eyes glaring at Kerry, he knew all along she wasn't going to get his position, he didn't want to talk about it, even after their engagement party he didn't even tell her.

Watching Shannon's face, maybe she should have been a bit more gentler in telling her, but not one to sugar coat her words or anything, being a female in the police world is tough, she needs them like that, not soft.

Watching them walk out, Kerry calls out "Lawson" watching him stop and turn around closing the door behind them "Was that really necessary Kerry?" staring at him "You should of told her, there is a reason I want you to stay in TR Lawson". Raising his eyes at Kerry, that is news to him "really such as?" shaking her head "Just give it time Lawson, I can't tell you just yet" turning to glare at her, he is sick of her mind games she tries to play "why would I want to stay here Kerry, at the moment I can't wait to get out" before going to walk out hearing Kerry's voice "so I will see your resignation at the end of your shift then?" a smile on her face, she knows he won't do it,

Walking out of the office into Shannon her face full of anger "did you know about that" reaching for her arm pulling her out of sight "I'm sorry Shan, I was hoping I could talk and change her mind" her voice angry "obviously you didn't". Wanting to strangle Kerry "I'm sorry Shannon, Kerry is just on a power trip, I think you can do the job", smiling at Lawson it wasn't his fault as much as she wanted to blame him she wished he had said something, feeling Lawson's lips on her head "apply for it, and show her you are capable of it".

…

**ONE WEEK LATER**

Walking into the head office, Kerry looks around, walking into the office she sits down, all she wants is to get this over with, looking at the Deputy Commissioner, seeing him smile at her "Your transfer has been successful Kerry you will need to be up in Darwin in2-3 weeks time and with it a promotion." Nodding and smiling at him, it had been easier than she thought, yes she had to admit she was pregnant, but surprising it still came through "Lawson will take over Tactical Response then?" shaking his head "No…Senior Sergeant Charlie Lewis will join Tactical Response again and will be taking over" shaking her head "no no no I'm more than happy with my Senior Sergeant Blake, he is more than capable" looking at Kerry "It is non negotiable, he comes into the squad", seeing Kerry's glare "I don't need to remind you, that you were the one that asked for the transfer Superintendent and I'm giving it to you against my better judgement considering the facts that you told me" Holding back her words, she did want the transfer, but she never thought that it meant Charlie to come back "I don't have much choice then" smiling at her "I'll get the paperwork ready and sent out to you", nodding goodbye as she walks out, how is she going to tell Lawson.

…..

Walking into the locker room at the end of the shift, Kerry sees Lawson getting ready to go home. Watching Kerry walk in and over to the table looking up at him "Lawson" before her eyes look around the locker room "I've been transferred up to Tactical Response in Darwin", looking at Kerry is she serious, her face was not much of a smile there "Your joking" shaking her head part of her wishes she was joking and this whole nightmare would go away. Looking up at him her tongue moving around her mouth "I've been promoted to head up a new unit up there, and help with Tactical Response….." fiddling with her hands as she continues "Charlie is coming back to Tactical Response to take over my position" walking closer to Kerry "you get a new position, a new job, and your first decision, your first decision again is to bring Charlie back to here". Nodding at Lawson and looking up at him her voice soft "yes", her memory going back to when she asked for a transfer, wanting Lawson to take over, it was either no transfer or Charlie taking over, there was no way she could stay in Melbourne so she agreed to Charlie, looking up at Lawson "I tried Lawson, I wanted you to take over, just work with this, just see what its like this time, they want you out on the road Lawson, they don't want you tied down to an office job"

Turning away slamming his locker shut, not seeing Kerry jump slightly "Do you really want me to quit" seeing him turn around to look at her, the hurt in his eyes, didn't he realise she would do anything for him, shaking her head "that would be ridiculous" Seeing him look at her "I have to think about it" Nodding as she moves from her spot, rubbing his arm "Please don't do anything you'll regret, work with me here, I want you to stay" looking at him there is so much she wants to tell him seeing him look at her "when will you tell the others", giving him a half smile "tomorrow" starting to walk out he calls out "when do you leave?", biting her lips as she faces him "ten days time" seeing him raise his eyes at her, she can't stay there any longer.

Watching Kerry walk out, Kerry moving from Tactical Response, he never thought that would happen, he didn't even ask her why, slamming the locker shut as he walks out of the locker room, seeing Shannon watching him he smiles at her, feeling her touch on his arm "everything ok", nodding at her "Kerry is leaving".

Looking at Lawson, did she hear him right Kerry leaving TR, but one look at his face yes she did "That's good in a way isn't it, won't you get her position" shaking his head staring straight ahead "Charlie is coming back" giving a short laugh "Stel will hate that"

…

Walking out of the communications room towards the locker room at the end of the shift the next day Kerry motions for Leon to follow her, seeing everyone there, she stands against the wall, her eyes darting to Lawson and around, biting her lip she never thought she would be the one to say she was leaving.

Seeing Kerry walk in to the locker room with Leon, Stella glances at Shannon and Lawson, maybe that is why Lawson was acting so strange today, she knew something was going on. Looking back at Kerry as she starts to speak "I'll make this brief as I know you guys want to get out of here. Some of you may be happy to hear, I'm leaving Tactical Response" hearing the gasps come from the team, seeing Stella look or glare at Lawson. Hearing a voice ask when "ten days time", taking a deep breath, she hears Stella voice "Is Lawson now in charge of TR", shaking her head, seeing Kerry look at her "no, Senior sergeant Charlie Lewis, will be coming back here", looking at Stella's shocked face her mouth open "Your joking?" shaking her head "no, he will be in charge of Tactical Response".

Looking at Kerry, Stella must be hearing things, Charlie back here, no way, just when they had started, what had they started, was it just sex, would it stop, damm Charlie he should of told her. Hearing Stella's voice "what about Lawson, why can't he be in charge, he knows TR"

Looking at the squad her glance on Stella as she walks over to the table sitting down, her voice firm "Charlie is in charge of TR, Lawson is still operational."

Sitting in the background, Christian is taking it all in, Kerry leaving TR, so many had left lately mainly died, Josh, Michael and Dom, and now Kerry "You will still be around, won't you?"

Shaking her head at Christian's question "I won't be at the base anymore…I'm heading up a task force up in Darwin, their tactical Response" hearing the stillness and quietness come over, as they look at each other, getting up from the table, involuntarily putting her hand on her stomach, before realising what she was doing "Charlie will be here in a couple of days" before walking out.

Looking around the locker room, in disbelief, Stella turns to Lawson her voice with a slight accusation "You knew Lawson and you didn't say a thing", slamming his locker shut, he looks at Stella, he didn't want to deal with her tonight or much, the thought of Kerry out of TR, only Charlie and him he didn't want to think about, yes they didn't get on at first, she was annoying but now he would miss her and a lot "Kerry told me last night Stel, its her decision" before walking out. Watching Lawson walk out, Shannon turns to Stella, "want a drink" walking out Shannon turns to Stella "what happened to the old Kerry the one who would fight to have Lawson as team leader" shrugging her mind elsewhere, shit why did Charlie have to come back.

Knocking on the door a while later, a few drinks later. It isn't long before it is opened, standing in the open door way, her hands against the frame her voice slightly angry "when were you going to tell me" Seeing Stella there in front of him, he is amused by her, "going to come in" seeing her just stand there "tell you what?"

Storming inside "were you just going to turn up at base in a few days time", his eyes sparkling with amusement, he should of told Stella, but it only just got confirmed "Your not happy about it?" Glaring at him her words challenging "you don't want to have any more sex then?" walking over to her, trying to draw her towards him "nothing stopping us still." Moving away from her "except the stupid rules", shaking his head "that Kerry made Stel,…there is no rule saying we can't have sex", looking at him susipicously "I can recall you said something to Lawson and Shannon about complications" giving a laugh he recalls that "its up to you Stel, we're grown ups, this job was too good to turn down…I get to see you more" walking closer to her "don't' think you can boss me around" his laugh louder "as if you would let that happen" as he draws her towards him, finding her lips as he kisses her hard and passionately.


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

**TEN DAYS LATER**

Walking into the base, the final day here, slightly emotional, the morning sickness at bay slightly, now just over 3 months pregnant thankfully hardly showing. Looking around could she just walk out of here at the end of the day.

Watching Kerry walk into the base to her desk, Leon dreaded this day for the past two weeks, he didn't want Kerry to leave, he though he had never told her or anyone, he had a crush on her for ages, hoping one day it might lead to something but realising it was going no where. He liked Charlie but he just wasn't Kerry, as hard as she was, her sacking him and all, he still wanted her to be here.

Walking out to TR1, Lawson deep in thought, hopping in the driver's seat without even thinking he looks up seeing Stella's amused look as she hangs off the door, looking up at her "I'll drive today"

Driving around Melbourne the day slow wishing for something to happen, his thoughts elsewhere, brought back to the present by Stella yelling "Geez Lawson, stop" looking up seeing the red traffic light, pulling over a short time later, letting Stella drive. A smile on her face she loves driving, and talking and annoying Lawson. Glancing at Lawson and Christian "does anyone know why Kerry is taking the job up in Darwin, you both coming tomorrow night." Seeing them both nod "Lets get her drunk" seeing Lawson shake his head "You and your ideas plan Stel", looking at him "nothing wrong with my ideas, Josh and Michael liked them especially getting paid to root her on her birthday, I'm not asking you to film it for proof this time, just get her drunk to find out what's going on"

Hearing Shannon's voice come through "Your ideas are bad Stel"

Trying to take offence "You just agree with Lawson now Shan, your so boring and yet again Lawson doesn't join in"

Looking at Stella "talk sense and then I will join your conversation" Glaring at Lawson deep in thought "you were the one who suggested dinner and drinks or did you just mean the two of you, so you can take her back to your place", laughing as she hears Shannon's voice come over "oi Stel aren't you forgetting something", looking at Lawson sitting there, a small smile upon his face as she replies "No don't know what you mean Shan…" Laughing back at base, to the banter, part of Leon wishes he was out there more part of the group than stuck back at base behind the computers.

Not even hearing Kerry come up behind him and sit at the desk, putting the head phones.

Hearing Leon laugh, Kerry walks out of her cubicle, needing a break from finishing her packing, walking over to the desk, putting on the headphones for the last time, sitting down, listening to the conversation, it does bring back memories to her birthday a few years ago, and hearing them talk about rooting her, taking her our to dinner and filming it, and the knock on her door that night a smile to her lips. Rolling her eyes she sees Leon turns to look at her again, raising her eyes motioning for him to say nothing.

Continuing on "I still say get Kerry drunk and see what she says, can have a bet too, the person who can get Kerry to drink the most, take her home and root her." Seeing Lawson look at her before continuing "it includes Lawson, even though he won't admit it so he has to film it", hearing Christian pipe up from the back "how much do you win?" glancing at Christian "we all chip in $20, so buy the drink for her and" finishing her sentence "so you get $100 money and root Kerry" nodding "exactly"

Putting the headphones down, didn't they learn last time, no she didn't say anything to them, even though she is aware they knew she knew.

Hearing Stella continue "I have a plan" Leon interrupts "there is a fight on at the Railway hotel in Fitzroy if you want something to do"

Lawson into his com "copy that Leon, send through the details" before hearing Stella's voice "hey wait to you hear my plan"

Looking at Kerry seeing her roll her eyes again he isn't going to warn them this time, he actually enjoys listening to Stella putting her foot in it and Lawson not stopping her.

Hearing Kerry's voice com over the radio "Lawson", he looks at Stella and Christian, not again, why can' t Leon warn them when Kerry is listening in, not much she could do now though "Yes Kerry" as she continues "how is things out there" still looking at Stella who is watching and listening nervously "another day in the life"

Smiling to herself, she could just imagine Lawson and Stella now, in the car wondering if she was going to say something "I've got a job for you both, Leon is putting an address through on the screen for you, you need to pick Mr Appleby up and drop him off at address on the screen, details will come when you get closer there"

Looking at Stella then into his com warily "Ok"

Taking off the headset a smile on her face she sees Leon looking at her, you got them off lightly there, laughing at him shaking her head "really, you haven't seen Mr Appleby", seeing Leon look at her "My Appleby isn't a person is he? Shaking her head "nope he is a goat running wild near Werribee"

Arriving at Werribee a short time later, Lawson looks around "Leon, we need some information, where mr Appleby is", motioning for Kerry to the head set "he should be running around the street or houses Lawson, you can't really miss him" looking around all they see is a goat, "Kerry all we have here is a goat" no she can't be serious, seeing Stella and Christian looking at him, he has a fair idea now who they are after, hearing her voice with laughter in it "that is who he is, be careful Lawson he is a prize award winning goat, that we have been asked to take care off"

Arriving back at base a few hours later, they walk inside, Stella turns to the others "I'm having a shower first"

Seeing Kerry and Leon walk out of the comms room, laughter coming from them, Lawson turns to them "not a word" seeing them both burst out laughing as Kerry speaks "you were only meant to catch the goat Lawson"

…

Walking back into her office, they had a few drinks at base for her last day, but her farewell tomorrow, she looks around all her personal belongings affects taken out. Picking up one of the last boxes she looks around, she will miss this place, she will miss Leon, even Stella, she can't imagine saying goodbye to Lawson, can she even turn up tomorrow night, what happens if she doesn't have a drink will they wonder or guess why. Hearing a noise at the door she turns around seeing Leon leaning there, smiling up at him not saying anything, she hears him talk "It won't be the same around here without you. I'll miss you", then walking in "let me give you a hand" smiling at Leon she follows him out to her car "Darwin Kerry, why so far away", not answering him her thoughts the further away from Lawson finding out she is pregnant the better, turning to face Leon who is looking at her "want more help" shaking her head "Ill see you tomorrow night

Walking back to her office she looks around, everything now nearly gone, picking up her bag, everyone left for the evening, blinking back tears she never thought she would leave TR, not for a while, even with the promotion to the task force she was still around, who will now stop Lawson and Charlie fighting, she hopes Lawson won't leave, she wants him here. Picking up the flask from her drawer, she pours herself a drink what harm will one drink do.

Hearing a noise she looks around, looking up she sees Lawson there looking into the cubicle, shit she thought they had all left after a few drinks, the last person she wants to see, it is hard enough leaving, but hardest of all is saying goodbye to Lawson .

Looking into the office Lawson sees Kerry sitting in her chair, with a glass near by, seeing her look up at him, slight sadness in her eyes, he never thought this would happen. Walking over and taking a seat near her "all set to move", looking up at him deep in thought "I never thought we'd go through this or it would come to this", looking at her slightly confused was she moving because of him, seeing her fiddling with her hands, her eyes not looking at him "go through what?" rolling her eyes at Lawson "I think you know?", looking at Kerry, was she talking about the night together, he did know what she was talking about the unforbidden, looking at Kerry she is moving her tongue around her mouth, fiddling with her hands "I feel guilty Lawson", looking at her "why, you and me?", looking up at him "I think you know why?", raising his eyes at her he thought they were never talking about their night "because of us?", nodding at him "we crossed a line Lawson, a line that we never said we would cross again?" finishing his drink, "that line is blurred Kerry, has been for a while", looking up at Lawson "we still crossed it Lawson, that is the difference and I don't know what to think anymore…. You can handle TR and Charlie "

Sipping his drink he looks at Kerry "that's not why your leaving….. I never thought Superintendent Vincent would leave TR?" giving a short laugh what is she meant to say "Yes" instead she shakes her head giving a laugh rolling her eyes at him "No….it's a great job opportunity….. i bet at one stage you wanted me to leave" looking at her, there is something about her, something that draws him to her, makes him want to protect her "I'll miss you" smiling at him, not saying the words, but yes she will miss him too.


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

Looking around her apartment, everything packed that she needs, other stuff going into storage, looking around this is it, no turning around now. Hopping in the car, the only thing left, telling James. Arriving at the rehab clinic, hurrying down the corridor, she hasn't been here much, looking around she sees him at the table, walking up to him "James" seeing the surprise on his face.

Looking at his mum as he hears his name, the last time she came, was to take him away because he was in danger, "mum what are you doing here?" seeing Kerry walk over and sit down "am I in danger again" shaking her head, her eyes dart to his hand, part of his thumb missing because of her, because of her work a short laugh coming out as she says "no". Looking up at Kerry why is she here, she isn't mother of the year "is this mother son time", looking at James "Oh James…can we go for a walk?"

Getting up off the seat, part of him is worried "what is going on here mum?" stopping at looking at her son "I've got a promotion, I'm moving to Darwin" looking at his mum he isn't surprised she is a bloody good cop "wow I always knew you were a great cop, even if you are a shit mum" smiling at James as he continues "how long are you going up there for, will you be coming back to Melbourne?" shrugging as they continue to walk "not sure yet James, could be a couple of years, or a few months?" nodding he is proud of his mother "so when do you leave?" walking and looking straight ahead "tomorrow", seeing James stop she turns to look at him shaking his head "so this isn't really mother bonding time but you better tell me before you leave", sighing at James "Oh James" then rubbing her hand over her face "I haven't known for long, I wouldn't leave without telling you" walking along not looking at James her voice soft "I'm pregnant James" turning to face his mum did he just hear her right, she had to be joking "I didn't know you were seeing anyone" , not looking at James "I'm not", looking at his mum in surprise "are you going to tell me who's the father?" turning to face him shaking her head "you don't need to know….I don't want anyone to know". Looking at Kerry, James is surprised, he never thought his mum wanted kids again she was a shit mother, by the sounds of it, she didn't even want this baby.

Looking at his mum, he can tell Kerry is tired, "I'll miss you?" walking over to him and pulling him towards him resting her face against his "you can visit any time"

Walking out to the car a while later, Kerry turns to face James "I love you mum", pulling him towards her wrapping her arms around his body, hugging him she loves him too, but the words just don't come out "look after yourself James"

….

Walking into the bar at Dockland later that evening, her jeans getting tight around her stomach, her jacket just doing up, she had looked in the mirror looking at it, her stomach with a slight bulge there, not the flat stomach that she is used to, taking off her jacket, to put something else on. Looking around she sees the team there, taking a deep breath walking in, smiling and saying hello. Watching as they walk over to the bar bringing her back a drink, knowing there is no way she can not drink it without drawing too much suspicion, sipping on her drink, she sees Stella watching her as she finishes her drink "the same?" seeing Kerry shake her head "not for me", looking at Kerry "you turning down a drink" trying not to glare at Stel "I'm not having a big night Stel", seeing her turn to Lawson "its your farewell drinks, you can not, not drink" with her tongue moving around her mouth "I am drinking but I'm not getting drunk Stel" seeing Stella turn to Lawson "help me here Lawson" shaking his head "You on you own there Stel". Seeing Stella look at her suspiciously "there has to be a reason your not drinking…." Interrupting her "I have a long drive tomorrow Stel"

Looking at Kerry remembering picking her up for DUI "so now your worried about getting caught drink driving". Glaring at Stella her voice firm and no nonsense "Stella, its enough your little plan isn't going to work" not even looking slightly embarrassed whispering to Shannon "we'll see about that"

Downing the shots that Stella brings back shaking her head at it, what was that stuff, taking a sip of her glass of wine, seeing Lawson glare at her, her eyes open wide trying to feign innocence, shaking his head.

Looking at Kerry a smile on Stella's face "Darwin won't know what hit them, wonder if they will want to get rid of you like Lawson did. TR was doing fine, we didn't need anyone else, with the 6 of us back then" a smile forming on Kerry's face she remembers Lawson and her fist meeting, he was not impressed and made it clear he didn't want her there or out on the field with them

Walking back to her seat a while later, her head feeling slightly woozy, she only had the two glasses of wine, and the shot, she can drink more than that with no effect. She needs to leave, she can't get drunk or have too much to drink.

Watching Kerry walk away, Stella turns her head away seeing Lawson still glare at her "stop topping up her glass Stel, I can see what your doing"

Arriving at her seat, she sits down, picking up her bag, looking around the table at her team, her team "thanks for the drinks", hearing Leon's voice "we actually get a thank you out of Kerry", picking up her bag, she has to get out of there, no speeches she wants nothing.

Leaning down Lawson picks up a package, handing it to Kerry, looking at Lawson in surprise "something to remember TR by" opening the card the front a picture of the whole team, messages and signed by them all, before opening the present, looking around at them, smiling "its great thank you" picking up her bag she looks at them all "see you", seeing Stella looking at her "your not going?" nodding at Stella "thanks guys" getting up off her seat shaking her head slightly why does she feel so light headed, she feels Leon's arms around her, moving away from him, she looks up as she sees Stella in front of her, putting her arms around Kerry, "see ya" moving away her surprise she didn't expect that, about to walk out, she Christian in front of her, his arms squeezing her, feeling tears form in her eyes, she turns waving briefly at the team, saying her goodbye to Lawson yesterday, she didn't want to say goodbye again, starting to walk out of the bar she shakes her head talking more to herself "I didn't think I'd had that much to drink" then looking for her keys before walking further. Seeing Kerry look for her keys Stella bites her lips, she thought Kerry had taken a taxi and not driving, seeing Lawson glaring at her then looking at Kerry. Looking at Stella then back at Kerry, Lawson can't let her get in the car not knowing what Stella did to her, hearing Stella's voice "your not driving" seeing Kerry roll her eyes at her "how else am I meant to get home", glancing at Lawson before looking back at Kerry "a taxi, like the rest of us, I didn't think you'd be driving". Looking at Stella suspiciously, she looked slightly nervous her voice warning "Stella what have you done?". Seeing Stella glance at him, begging Lawson to help her, he smiles at her, she's on her own on this one shaking her head trying to look innocent "Nothing, I don't know why you think I would" seeing Kerry raise her eyes at her "the Stella who wanted to get me drunk, makes bets about it, the one who takes drugs…want me to go on" seeing Stella glance at Lawson and Shannon "you've got to live a little" before turning away, feeling Lawson's glare on her back. Seeing Kerry glare at Stella, Lawson shakes his head, watching as she walks out of the restaurant.

Turning to glare at Stella "you should of told her Stella, you can't have her drive home" shrugging "Its not like she hasn't done it before Lawson, she has not problem with DUI before so why would now be any different", leaning down his voice firm "the difference now is she has no idea she is over the limit" before rushing out the door.

Walking out of the restaurant, Kerry stops as she looks out over the bay and back to the city, not hearing footsteps until she hears a voice, turning around she faces Lawson feeling his arms around her "take care Kerry, good luck up there, you'll knock them dead" not able to say much "Look after TR Lawson, try to get along with Charlie" turning around to walk away she feels Lawson touch her arm "I'll give you a lift" shaking her head "I'm fine Lawson" turning to get Kerry to face him "your not, you had more than you thought, Stella, kept topping of you glass and got you a double shot" seeing Kerry raise her eyes at him then shake her head "shit, bloody Stella, I knew she had done something" her hand instinctively going to her stomach, damm Stella, looking up at Lawson "I'll catch a taxi home" facing her "just let me drive you Kerry" her voice firm "I'll be fine Lawson, go back inside" looking at Lawson, why can't he realise that she can't drive home with him, that she has to say goodbye now, smiling at him, before walking away, not even looking back but straight ahead blinking back the tears that were threatening to form.

Watching Kerry walk away, there was stuff he wanted to say, he never thought she would leave, that they would both be there for ages, walking back in the bar, Lawson sees Shannon and Stella still there, feeling Shannon's hand in his "I think Charlie will be better than Kerry, Kerry was a hard boss, she did things her way, she bent the rules, was too moody" looking at Shannon he knew she didn't think a lot of Kerry sometimes "Kerry ran Tactical Response well, she was hard for a reason but she was fair Shannon, there were times when a lot of the team could have been out but she gave you all another chance", nodding at Lawson's reply, Stella looks at Shannon, she liked Kerry as a boss even if he plan didn't work "she was tough, but she was fair Shannon and cared about the team, Josh could have been out several times, she could of fired me too, she was Kerry and I don't think any other boss will be the same, she had a job to do and I think she did it well."

Smiling at her friend "your plan didn't work Stel, you didn't find out the truth" nodding at Shannon "but I still got her slightly drunk if she stayed longer it would of worked."

Listening to both of them, Lawson turns to Shan "sorry, Shan I'll see you tomorrow," kissing her quickly before walking out of the bar. Looking around Lawson walks towards the taxi rank looking around he sees Kerry up ahead, staring out across the bay, calling out to her. Looking across the bay, blinking back the tears, she knew it would be hard, but part of her is looking forward to the new challenge, hearing her name called she turns around, surprise on her face "Lawson?"

Looking at Kerry her face sad "Cmon, I'm giving you a lift" taking a deep breath following him to her car.

Driving back to Kerry's place, the trip silent in parts, glancing at Lawson, before putting her hand on her stomach, he was the only reason she was keeping the baby, she would love to tell him but she can't, not wanting to break them up, she is doing the right thing, seeing Lawson looking at her, she raises her eyes at him, "TR won't be the same without you Kerry, Darwin won't now what has hit them" giving a short laugh "they just need the good news". Laughing at Kerry's comment, he doubts they will think it is good news like he did, despite their initial meeting it will be weird not seeing Kerry at work each day "How long will you be up there for" looking straight ahead "Don't know, they need someone to get it in order to take over the running of things, might even be a permanent thing" trying to hide his surprise he did think she would be back at Melbourne TR in a year or so.

Pulling up at Kerry's place, turning off the engine, he doesn't want her to get out of the car, he doesn't want her to leave TR, he is used to seeing Kerry, just have her around, turning to face her "I'll miss you" trying to smile at Lawson, shit she will miss him, more than he will realise feeling Lawson's touch on her hand, turning to look at him, looking at each other not saying anything, both moving towards each other, feeling his lips upon hers their kiss slightly lingering feeling Lawson's hand on her face, her forehead touching his her eyes down before pulling away from him, opening the door of the car she waves goodbye to him walking up the path her fingers to her lips not turning around, her eyes filling with tears, closing the door behind her as she leans against it, the tears falling, shit emotional she doesn't like to be.

Watching Kerry walk up the path, did he want more than the brief goodbye kiss, shit he has Shannon, he already has slept with Kerry without telling Shannon, now he wanted to kiss Kerry more than what he did, banging the steering wheel, in a way it is good Kerry is leaving, he has Shannon and that is all he needs. Pulling away, thoughts niggling his mind, if that is right why is the thought of never seeing Kerry again so terrifying.


	11. Chapter 11

Driving out of Melbourne early the following morning, driving past the base on the way to the airport taking what she needs the rest of her stuffed getting transported up to Darwin. Watching out the window as the plane takes off, ok she lied last night she wasn't driving up, seeing the plane circle the city before moving north heading towards Darwin.

Leaving the plane a few hours later, she hops out the weather warmer than Melbourne, everything seems more casual, hopping in the taxi it isn't too long before arriving at the serviced apartment. Putting down her bags, she walks outside, looking around, was it only 5 years ago that she arrived at Tactical Response in Melbourne to be in charge of it, she didn't think much of it at first, but grew so protective, walking around, she will get the car tomorrow, looking around so different from Melbourne determination though that she will enjoy it and forget all about Lawson.

….

Walking into TR base the following morning Lawson pauses, dreading this day for so long, the day Charlie was in charge, why didn't Kerry fight for him. As much as he wants to stay on, it is so tempting to leave. Walking into the locker room, looking around at the team, nearly all ready to get out on the road, looking up "anyone know where Stella is?" getting out his mobile, he looks up seeing Stel walk in "Stel your late" not even looking at Lawson "I'm here Lawson, I'll be ready in less than 5" looking at Stella "make it two, and I'll see you in TR1". Watching the others walk out, Shannon waits for Stel "not a good look Stel, being late on the first day" turning to face Shannon whilst doing up her shoes "Not you too Shan, I'm late, just get over it" before hurrying out to TR car, pushing Elliot aside, hopping in the drivers seat.

Seeing Lawson watching her "what, I'm here within the two minutes" shaking his head at her "get us some coffee's Stel" seeing her glare at her "get them yourself Lawson", seeing Lawson looking at her "fine ok"

Walking in to the communications room Lawson sees Charlie there "for future, make sure Stella is here on time, we shouldn't have to wait for her". Looking at Lawson he knows he doesn't want him here "Stella being late has nothing to do with me" seeing Lawson raise his eyes at him "really" seeing Charlie nod "Stella is her own person, I'll have a word with her though at the end of the shift". Looking at Charlie briefly saying nothing before walking back to TR, seeing Stella walk in handing him a coffee, looking up as Charlie comes out, handing him his too, watching her say nothing to him.

Arriving back at base after a boring shift, Stella hops out of TR walking into the locker room glad for the day to be over. Walking into the change room, Charlie stands against the wall "As you all know Kerry left yesterday and I'm now in charge of Tactical Response, Lawson is still in charge of operations. There will be some changes, first one is everyone to be here at least 15 minutes prior to your shift starting, unless you are required at a moments notice" seeing Stella roll her eyes at him whilst the rest of them go back to changing. Watching Stella pick up her bag, turning to the team "see ya" before walking out.

Seeing Charlie watching her walk out as he motions her over, watching Stella walk up to him her eyes boring through him "why were you late this morning" looking at Charlie "who said I was late", sighing at her slight warning in his voice "Stel….just because Kerry isn't here, isn't an excuse to be late for your shift" turning to face him "Nor is it an excuse for you to turn into a dickhead nazi", reaching out to touch her arm "I'm sorry Stel, I couldn't turn down this job" moving his hand off her arm "Charlie we didn't have anything going, all it was, was sex a few times, so get over yourself" before walking out. Watching Stella walk out of base, he wished it could be more.

…

**A FEW DAYS LATER**

Pulling up at Tactical Response base Kerry gets out, looking around as she walks to the communications room, not one to be shy or lacking confidence. Walking into the communications room looking around, smaller than the one in Melbourne and clustered, seeing more people there than the intel officer. Seeing them look up at her, surprise on their face quickly getting up "your her?" looking at the person she nods "if her, is the new person yeah I'm that person, Superintendent Kerry Vincent. I didn't think I'd find anyone here thought it would be empty", watching them look at each other not really moving "shouldn't you'd be out on the road by now" raising her eyes slightly at them whilst maintaining eye contact.

Watching them walk out, she turns to look around the communications room, seeing the desk cluttered she walks over to the cubicle too, looking in, it is slightly better, looking around pointing to someone "you….I need this desk cleared, get rid of the clutter, there is so much clutter around here, get me a coffee." Seeing the intel officer turn around looking at her watching her "that desk is Sergeant Watson's, there is an office for you over there" shaking her head at her "What is your name", looking at Kerry "Amanda, but people call me Mandy", looking at Mandy "Really Mandy, not anymore, I'll be out in the communications room, ", seeing her still look at her "Get Sergeant Watson back here now, tell him to meet me upstairs" seeing the officer bring back a coffee, taking a sip "shit, what is this" putting the cup down.

Watching Kerry walk away Mandy puts the headphones back on "Matt, you need to come back here" hearing his voice come through "Have they arrived", nodding "Yep" hearing one of the other team members voice "what's he like" smiling at the thought of he she hears one of the others who was in the communications team earlier her boyfriend Sean "He's a female". Hearing the surprise in Matt's voice "Isn't the person Kerry" hearing Mandy laugh "Yes, Superintendent Kerry Vincent, she wants you back here now Matt"

Looking around the room upstairs, her thoughts back to 5 years earlier her meeting with Lawson, both of them trying to outdo each other, Lawson not wanting her there, or happy that she was both operations and administration, putting her hand on her stomach, how much longer will it be before she does start to show, before it is obvious that she is pregnant. Sitting at the table, going through the paperwork, hearing footsteps she looks up as a guy walks in the room "sorry to keep you, Sergeant Matthew Watson, I was expecting you early this morning" Looking up at him a smile on her face "I've been waiting. I'm here now"

Walking into the room Matt looks at the person sitting at the desk, he was expecting a guy, seeing Kerry look up at him, her blue eyes piercing at him, even older than him, she was still extremely attractive her brown hair straight down to her shoulders, swept back slightly, but her smile there was something about it, it lit up her whole face. He had asked about her, never realising he was a she, all he had heard was the hard tough person.

Leaning back on the chair "The coffee here is shit" seeing him look at her "change it then if it annoys you, isn't that what you're here for, administration, I am still in charge of operational". Looking up at Matt "I've done the training" seeing him try to hide the surprise "I'll be both administration and operational." Sitting down opposite her "not the training you need up here" nodding at him her eyes not leaving him "I've been trained in all aspects of Tactical Response" shaking his head giving a half laugh "Kerry up here is different to anything you've seen in Melbourne" Leaning forward "I've been put in charge up here Sergeant I'm here to stay whether you like it or not"

Seeing the confident almost arrogant smile on Kerry's face, as she stares at him We'll see about that" seeing her lean back in the chair, the face in a part smile, something about her, positive she is used to getting her own way, also no doubt can handle her self in whatever situation she is put in.

Trying not to smile at the Sergeant, the same reaction that Lawson had, watching him get out his phone, a short laugh coming out, Lawson tried the same thing and lost too, leaning forward whispering "are you on hold" seeing the glare on his face as he turns away, taking out her phone, making a phone call laughing as she answers "Hello Tony, yeah" the scowl on the Sergeants face as he hangs up the phone, getting up off the seat walking out "I'm not here to make friends….given time thought Sergeant Watson you might even like me" before walking out.

Shaking his head as he watches Kerry walk out who is she, what have they done, they were fine before, they did not need anyone in charge, definitely not someone like Kerry. Despite it all, there is something about her, not afraid to speak her mind, to exert her authority, and confident in what she does part of him, wants her to stay to find out more about her, he has no idea why.


	12. Chapter 12

Walking back downstairs looking around, trying to figure how things work, sitting at the now slightly less cluttered desk, the screen within her view watching Mandy type away then look for something a frown on her face, walking up to Mandy "where are the day reports kept?" looking up at Kerry "which ones, this week, last week, last month?" "start with this week and the past three weeks", seeing her move stuff around her desk, finally finding it at the edge "the past two days" before she can continue she sees Kerry fling stuff to the side, away from the centre "you need to make room…..How can you find anything on this desk, it needs organising, start cleaning it up" looking up at Kerry her face showing the dislike of her "the past week or so, will be on Matt's desk, the past fortnight in the pigeon hole, the rest in the store room", grabbing it off Mandy, she walks over to the desk, seeing Mandy turn around looking at her "are you always like that" raising her eyes at Mandy. Looking at Kerry, she is rude, not liking her new boss, and not wanting to be stuck in the communications room with her seeing her raise her eyes at her saying nothing "a please, thank you would be better than being so rude". Sitting at her desk staring at Mandy "I'm not here to make friends, or be liked, I'm here to do a job, and be in charge, there will be changes around here, so you better start getting used to it".

Turning back to face the keyboard and screen, seeing an incident flash up on the screen "there is an accident, on the wall of fogg Dam, vehicle" hearing Kerry's voice "how far away is that?" not looking at her "its on the way to Kakadu about 20 km from the Stuart Highway turnoff, about 20 minutes, depends upon traffic, etc" nodding at the information "is there much traffic, and traffic lights?" shrugging "more tourists at this time of year, it's the beginning of the dry season" looking around facing Kerry, seeing her slightly confused wondering for the many times why she is even up here "we have two seasons, wet season, where it is hard to get anywhere, rely more on air boats and planes to get places as it floods, and the dry season, where the tourists come up, it usually finishes about October" nodding "is there CCTV footage or cameras at Fogg Dam you can log into?" Looking at Kerry "I don't know it is a tourist attraction of wetlands, and a dam" walking closer to Amanda "can you check then to see if any cameras there" seeing her shake her head "I can't" rolling her eyes at her before continuing "Does each team member has lapel cameras and coms on them, computers in the car to send the information too. Can you log into them?" Looking up at Kerry "All have coms, but not all have the lapel cameras" shaking her head before walking back to her desk "things are going to change here, starting with training you."

Watching the Tactical Response team, turn up at Fogg Dam, as they get out of the car, walking up to the car on the dam wall. Watching one of the team members take our a gun watching the area calling out "what is he doing with his gun out" Hearing Mandy give a short laugh "something you need to get used to up here, crocodiles, there is a huge resident crocodile who lives in the Dam and walks along the wall." Whispering to herself "of course"

Watching Matt walk into the communications room later on, Kerry walks over to her "why didn't you secure the car before hopping into it? You do have the equipment" walking away from her "Judgement call, it would of taken too much time" raising her eyes slightly at him "do you always do you own thing instead of following protocol?" Facing Kerry "we did what was right out there, next time you can come out if you want or not" before walking out.

Walking into the change room, standing against the wall "Most of you know I'm Superintendent Vincent, and now in charge of Tactical Response up here in the Northern Territory. Each team member will have their own lapel camera which is to be turned on at all times whilst working and a com. Then handing Matt a form I need you all to put your size down, as I will be ordering you Tactical Response uniforms and the proper vests, if you don't, then I will just be guessing your size" seeing the team members look at each other "You don't want me here, I get that, but I'm here and staying. I'm not here to be liked or popular. I've put here to do a job" walking out of the room, she hears a voice "I wish she would just go back to Melbourne" turning around "Pardon" seeing the look on their faces not giving anything away. "I'm here to stay, you all just need time to get used to the good news" before walking out.

Sitting at her desk at the end of the shift, taking out the bottle of wine, pouring herself a glass she looks up as she sees Matt standing near her cubicle "this is a no alcohol zone", looking up at Matt a small smile on your face "want one?".

Looking at Kerry, not even caring about the rules she is breaking, or the fact she was caught, instead just staring at him, something about her eyes so blue, just piercing through him staring straight at him, not moving from him "why are you here?" her tongue moving about her lips to get away from Melbourne so they won't find out her secret, staring straight at him "give it time Sergeant Watson, you might even come to like me" then shrugging "I'm here to do a job, you need someone in charge up here and that person is me, watching you today that is evident" staring at Kerry watching as she drinks from the bottle "who are you?", looking up at him staring at him, giving him the same answer as she gave Lawson many years ago "I'm God, so you lot better start believing" watching as Matt walks away.

…

Over the next few weeks, Matt watches as Kerry turns up to most of the jobs, taking charge, despite his resistance to wanting her there, he can't help but admire the way she works, confident at what she does, not afraid to take risks, strong and not backing down. At first annoyed with her turning up all the time, but as the time grows, growing to respect her. She certainly knows what she is doing, not caring who toes she treads on, not afraid to speak her voice, especially if she thinks someone is wrong. She lets him do his job, but now having to report to someone, in a way relief to get advice and help in certain situations, the admiration slightly there for her, she does know the job well and has the training. If only she wasn't so bossy and tough, watching her walk and talk to people, not letting anyone push her around, each time she smiled at him, which now was a bit more her whole face lit up, and her laugh, she was older than him, but she was hot, there was no denying that.

Watching Matt work, on a job, taking charge of the situation, she is slightly impressed, able to diffuse a lot of situation, take control.

…

**ONE AND HALF MONTHS LATER**

Strolling around the city on her day off, looking at the various things around, doing some shopping, been in Darwin for a month and not really seen anything, working at the base or from the apartment, yep she is a workalcoholic, James can attest to that but a great cop she is. Her hair up in a ponytail, with her joggers on, making her way to the Esplanade, jogging along making her way down to Stokes Hill wharf, leaning against the barrier as she stretches overlooking the harbour. Her clothes slightly daggy, shorts that fit her and a t shirt that is becoming tight not caring if anyone sees that she is pregnant, unlike work, her work clothes just fitting.

Turning around she looks up into a familiar face "Kerry" swearing to herself "shit"

Looking at Kerry, Matt can't help but stare, in her casual clothes he has to admit she looks beautiful, her hair pulled back off her face, showing her fine cheek bones, even in shorts her legs, looking at her stomach though, blinking again, trying not to stare at her, he looks around. Looking back up into her eyes "fancy a coffee" giving a short laugh "with you?" raising his eyes at her "am I that bad, I'm only seeing if you want a coffee" nodding catching her breath she walks away with him.

Sitting opposite Matt, Kerry's eyes dart around, shit she didn't want to see anyone from the team, especially not Matt glancing up as the coffee is brought to them "so Superintendent what brings you up to Darwin" giving a short laugh "is that best you can do" leaning back on the chair laughing, damm her as she continues "still wanting to get rid of me" shaking his head "starting to get used to you, as annoying as you are" giving a laugh staring at him "told you, you would get used to me, even like me" staring back at her "who said I liked you". Watching her gaze intent on him her blue eyes piercing through him "what brought you up to Darwin sergeant Watson" smiling at her "I've always lived her and never plan to leave" raising her eyes at him "never is a pretty long time" giving a short laugh "you grow to love it up here it is so different, just wait and see Superintendent" looking around the harbour, she can see what he likes up here as she hears his voice "out on a nice day like this by yourself?" looking up at Matt, staring straight at him "could say the same about you" shrugging trying not to let her gaze unsettle him "no one to share it with, my job takes up most of my time, and most people can't get used to that, and being on call all the time", glancing around she is all too aware of that her job coming first to her.

Looking at Kerry, part of him wanting to know if she has a partner, no ring on her finger, plenty of rings on the other hand though, if his guess is correct she has someone with her here or Melbourne "You have someone, your partner up here with you" finishing her drink she looks at Matt "see you at work" getting up off the seat, walking away from him, she turns around all she says is "no" before continuing on back to the apartment.

Watching Kerry walk away her answer no, but to what, knowing there is no way anything could happen between them but doesn't stop him thinking about it, he is sure she was pregnant but her walking way with her back to him, now he isn't so sure.

…**..**

**ONE MONTH LATER**

Throwing top and pant after each other on the bed, damm, why won't any of it fit, she knew this day would come hoping it wouldn't be for a while yet, now 28 weeks pregnant able to hide it up to now, even with her clothes slightly baggy but nothing fitting her now.

Getting out her phone and calling the base and Sergeant Watson, despite the rocky start the respect between them, she sees a bit of Lawson in him, she is enjoying it there, going out with them regularly, yes it is different but enjoyable more distance to travel to jobs, different terrain, the team starting to like her slightly. Totally different to Melbourne in many ways, she is enjoying coming to work, maybe it was something to do with a Sergeant working here, shit what is it with her and Sergeants.

Arriving back at the apartment, putting the shopping down, quickly getting dressed, still in pants and a top, standing in front of the mirror there is no hiding the fact.

Walking into the base a short time later, slight relief none of the cars are there, seeing Mandy sitting at the desk looking up as she walks in.

Hearing footsteps Mandy turns around, looking up in surprise at Kerry walking in, trying to hide her surprise she had wondered for a few weeks now if Kerry was pregnant, the outfit today even trying to hide the fact was still a dead giveaway, seeing the glare on her face, Mandy says nothing, but can not contain the huge smirk on her face as she faces the computer.

Sitting at her desk in the communications room, hearing her name looking up in surprise shit no, biting her lips and looking up, the person is still standing there with a big goofy grin on his face.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Thank you for the reviews, hope you continue to enjoy it as I love writing it**_

…

"Leon, what are you doing up here?" smiling at his former boss, he missed her, "I'm up here for three weeks" staring at Leon a million thoughts going through her head, she didn't want to see anyone from Melbourne "what happened and why?" whispering "do you have a minute" nodding turning to Mandy "call out if you need me" whispering to herself "not that I will", despite the making progress with the rest of the team, Mandy was still cold towards her a lot of the time, following Leon out, she turns to look at him seeing Leon looking at her, trying to contain his surprise before he continues "There was an incident at Melbourne, the base is out of action for about a month" staring at Leon, why didn't someone tell her "shit what happened" looking around the base unable to look at Kerry, it all made sense now why she left Melbourne or did it, how pregnant is she, did she meet someone up here continuing on "someone tried to blow up the base, they didn't succeed but did some damage, I was sent up here?". Smiling at Leon, she didn't realise that they would send him up to help her out, she wanted a new intel officer or to send Mandy off for training "You've got three weeks them to get this intel officer to actually know what she is doing, and not showing her how to look up porn sites and the rest Leon" looking at Kerry trying to look hurt "who do you take me as" laughing as she walks back "Mandy, this is Leon, my intel officer from Melbourne, who is up here for three weeks, listen to him" smiling to herself as she walks back to her desk.

Looking at Leon "was she a total bitch in Melbourne too" looking at Mandy he knew Kerry was hard, pushed you to the limit took no bull shit but underneath it all she cared about her team "Kerry is hard to work with, but she is one of the best bosses I have ever had" seeing Mandy raiser her eyes at him "You must have had shit for bosees then" laughing at Mandy as he continues "she cares about her team and is so protective of them, she will fight for you and speaks her mind. She doesn't take a lot of bull shit" looking at Leon "your welcome to her then" watching Mandy work, he knew what Kerry meant "try having the boss we have now, Kerry is great to work with, she is moody and takes a while to get used to, but give it time, then you won't want to lose her" watching the screen whispering to Leon "did you know she was pregnant, what a shock turning up today it is so obvious now, why would someone send her up her, pregnant, doesn't make sense, at least now she will leave"

Hearing Kerry's voice behind them "I need you to triangulate a call" seeing Leon turn around "why do you always sneak up on people" rolling her eyes at Leon, she did miss him, "if you stopped gossiping you would of heard me….. once Matt sends the number through, see if you can locate it". Looking at Leon look at Kerry "you like her" shaking his head "don't be stupid she's my boss" smiling at Leon "ex boss" concentrating on the screen "lets triangulate the call" turning back to the screen, truth be told he had always had a crush on Kerry but nothing could every come to it.

…..

Sitting in her cubicle a few days later, the stares she has gotten the past few days seeing Matthew walk in, looking at him "we're finished for the day" looking at the glass of wine on her desk "you do know there is a no alcohol policy here" shrugging looking straight up at him her lips in a straight line "so you've told me before, that rule needs to be changed, get some money from petty cash, and buy some beers and put them in the fridge" looking at him in the eyes "want a glass" nodding and walking into the cubicle he wonders why she is drinking, wishing she would stop looking up at him, her eyes piercing through him, sitting down opposite her "you want me to buy beer" nodding at him raising her eyes at him "have a problem with that" nodding his head at his boss "I prefer my team not drinking at base" shrugging at him as she looks up at him "good for team morale and debriefing after the shift" nodding at her, damm stop looking at him like that, she did have a good point "you staying here after the baby is born" seeing her raise her eyes at him saying nothing before a "yes" still not sure if she was in a relationship, knowing nothing about her, tight lipped "the father going to look after the baby then", seeing the glare in her eyes "your not getting rid of me that easily" staring at Matt, there is something about him he reminded her of Lawson is a few ways, hearing him "when is the baby born", looking up at Matt in the eyes "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" staring at Kerry "why?" leaning back in her chair a smile on her lips "you know nothing about girls" laughing at Kerry getting off the seat putting the glass down as he leans down to her "Maybe you could teach me" before walking out of her cubicle.

Watching Matt walk out, a laugh escaping from her lips shaking her head.

Sitting at the table a week later with the team, Kerry looks at them all despite what she does "I am pregnant, and yes I am still staying up here in Darwin, Sergeant Watson will be taking over from me for a couple of months before I come back to work again, that's all you need to know, I'll still be coming out on the road for a month or so still."

…..

**THREE WEEKS LATER**

Leaving the base for his final day up in Darwin, Leon looks around, he missed working with Kerry, her no nonsense approach to things. He even liked working with Mandy as annoying as she was. Watching Leon collect his things before glancing at Kerry, there was a friendship there she could see, and Leon was right she did care about her team, that much was obvious about her and Leon, the laughter, smile on Kerry's face. Facing Leon "You should tell her how you feel" laughing at Mandy's comment "She doesn't feel the same…."then glancing at Kerry "besides she is pregnant now" leaning closer to Leon wanting some gossip "do you know who too, we never see her with anyone" shrugging, picking up his stuff, he had wondered himself, from his calculation it is someone in Melbourne, his gut instinct thought told him what he didn't want to think, shaking his head at Mandy "I have no idea, Kerry is a private person"

Walking to the café at Stokes Hill wharf, looking over the water Kerry turns to Leon "did you enjoy your time up here" nodding "wouldn't mind getting transferred up here, different from Melbourne, hopefully Mandy will know more" giving a short laugh "she has to know more than she did" looking at Kerry "she is jealous of you" looking at Leon in disbelief giving a short laugh "that you are attractive, confident and she thinks Matt likes you, or more to the point you like Matt, actually I think it that Matt finds you attractive" shutting up realising he had said too much "pretend I didn't say that" giving a short laugh "she is going out with Sean" shrugging at Kerry, noticing she ignored the last part "maybe she wants to go out with Matt, you and him get on well?" shaking her head her voice firm "Leon" then shaking her head "your forgetting one thing Leon". Looking at Kerry "It is like watching you and Lawson slightly" then shaking his head "but not the same, he isn't trying to outsmart or out do you like Lawson did or fight like you two did." Looking at Kerry wondering "When is your baby due?" looking out over the water, deep in through still "about 10 weeks or so" looking at Kerry's face "Is that why you left Melbourne, because you were pregnant?" looking back at Leon her voice firm "No one is to know in Melbourne that I am Leon, not a word of this to anyone, especially Stella" nodding at Kerry "I didn't think you wanted anymore kids?" not looking at Leon her voice quieter "I don't" not seeing his confused face.

Sitting at the table her eyes looking around "how is Charlie and Lawson getting on?" studying the menu "they tolerate each other, Lawson does what he wants they are both still there, Shannon is still there, she is leaving soon, I think they have set a date for the wedding" hearing those few words, trying to hide her feelings, she knew it was coming.

…

Sitting at her desk a week later, Kerry looks up as she hears a voice "Mum" a smile on her face "You little shit, James" walking over to him, wrapping her arms around him "Amanda this is my son James", turning around she looks up surprised she never knew she had a son, let alone this old.

Seeing James look at her, smiling at him "what are you doing up here what about rehab" walking away with Kerry "can you finish now" shaking her head throwing him her keys "I'll meet you at the apartment when I finish"

Walking into the apartment when she finishes work the smell of home cooked meal, smiling at her son "what are you doing?" looking at Kerry "sit down at the table dinner won't be long" sitting at the table, looking at James slightly suspicious "James what have you done?". Walking over to the table setting the meal down "why do you always thing the worse mum, I wanted to cook you a meal, you look tired and your pregnant, can't I just look after you" smiling wearily at James her eyes still slightly suspicious "it looks great" eating the meal in silence James looks at her "when is the baby due?" smiling at him "about 8 weeks, what are you doing up here?" picking up the dirty dishes "I didn't want you to be up here by yourself" her eyes glancing around before resting on James "what about rehab?" rolling his eyes at Kerry "They know I'm up here, and are fine with it….. I thought you would want someone up with you Mum" walking over to James, drawing him towards him, what did she do to deserve James coming all this way up here, moving his face towards hers, resting her head against his

Walking into the apartment two days later, picking up the mail, opening it up, staring at it, the invitation to Lawson and Shannon's wedding, putting it down, there is no way she could go, staring at the invitation she thought she would receive an invite but now it is here, it is so final, the father of her child marrying someone else, not that she ever thought it would be here, putting it down before walking over and getting a glass of red wine, before walking back over to the lounge. Opening up her computer the screen might as well be blank, picking up the invitation again, there it is in writing "You are invited to the wedding of Shannon Henry to Lawson Blake" putting it down walking upstairs looking in the mirror closing her eyes before her eyes move down to her heavily pregnant belly how could she tell Lawson.

Watching Kerry pick up the invitation yet again, James knew what it was Lawson's wedding invitation, the look on Kerry's face he had been the son of a cop long enough to pick up that something wasn't right. Looking at his mum "are you going to Lawson's wedding?" shaking her head in surprise "I don't think so" looking at his mum "why, you don't want him to find out your pregnant" not even looking at James as he continue "or is it the fact that Lawson's the father of your baby".

Looking up at James, trying to keep her face neutral "don't be ridiculous James, Lawson's not the father"

Looking at Kerry, he knew he was right, it took a while to guess, but he is sure he is right "I'm not stupid mum, I know the reason you don't want to go back is so Lawson won't find out and what your doing is wrong" , seeing her walk away from him "I'm not discussing this with you, you have no idea what your talking about" walking closer to Kerry "I'm pretty sure I do, I know Lawson is the father, you don't want to go to the wedding…it adds up, you leave Melbourne, so he won't find out your pregnant, you move as far away as you can, have no contact with Melbourne" seeing his mum say nothing "I'm the son of a cop mum, it isn't hard to guess, and if I can guess, then no doubt Lawson will too" avoiding James eyes, if James has guessed she knows Lawson might too, shit, she didn't think James would hearing him continue "Have you even told him your pregnant or why you left" not waiting for Kerry to answer "no, because you don't want him to find out"

Looking at James, trying to hide her surprise, she was pretty sure he wouldn't of guessed or known but how wrong she was "James…. its complicated". Walking closer to Kerry "are you going to tell Lawson he's the father, its pretty simple mum" staring at James, her tongue moving around inside her mouth her eyes darting around the room the conversation she doesn't want to have with James or anyone, hearing him continue "he needs to know" her eyes darting around the room "Its not simple James, things are not as black and white as they seem, there is more to it". Trying to get Kerry to look at him "like the fact he's getting married …. You tell me to take responsibility for my actions, why don't you start doing the same" not even looking at him "oh James, you have never taken responsibility for your actions" looking at Kerry "I wouldn't have a baby and not let the father know I was pregnant, it is wrong Mum, Lawson needs to know he is the father" not wanting to admit the truth still "he isn't the father James, you have it all wrong" as she walks away, trying to challenge his mum "go to the wedding then, I'll ring him up and tell him your pregnant, that you having a baby that is due in 7 weeks time" Looking at James her mouth slightly open her eyes to the side "what do you want me to say James" looking at Kerry "the truth, that Lawson is the father", her eyes looking down then to the side before back to James "it makes no difference if he is the father or not James, I'm not going to tell Lawson, he is not going to find out that I'm pregnant or that he is the father."

Wanting to scream at his mother "He deserves to know he has a baby, this baby deserves and should know their dad, if that was me I'd like to know I have a dad someone I know who would love me"

Looking at James her eyes glaring at him "Instead of a shit mum, I get it James I'm a shit mother" looking at Kerry his eyes wide "that's not what I'm saying" interrupting him "really you've said it often enough, you think this kid will be better off with Lawson as its father" Shaking his head at Kerry "all I'm saying if I was Lawson I'd like to know, its not fair what your doing." Looking at James "this whole situation isn't fair James."

Walking up to Kerry "he needs to know, you need to do the right thing mum" raising her eyes slightly looking at James talking more to herself than to James "what is the right thing" moving closer to Kerry "telling him that he is going to become a father", staring at James "you think it is that easy James" picking up the invitation her voice louder "he is getting married, you really think he wants to know now that I'm pregnant" then her voice softer "to a one night stand we had" looking slightly away from Kerry there are parts of this situation he wished he didn't know about, despite everything he loved his mother, he doesn't understand how she could sleep with someone who is engaged, he never thought his mother was like that did he know her at all "maybe you should of thought of that before you slept with him", her voice rising in anger "I'm doing what is best" shaking his head at his mother "for who?" trying to control her voice "for this baby and Lawson" shaking his head at her "for you, your doing this to protect yourself….. you should of thought of the consequences before you slept with Lawson" her voice rising in anger "really, what about Shannon, James, have you thought of what telling Lawson would do to her, to their relationship you really think it is easy….. grow up James, your not a kid anymore.".

Not backing down, knowing he is right "you should of thought of that, Lawson especially before he cheated on Shannon. Despite that Lawson has a right to know he is the father, and Shannon should know what a jerk she is marrying" walking over to James, and slapping him across the face her anger boiling over "get out", walking to the door looking back at his mother her back turned away from him, closing the door behind him, he never meant to push her so far, he only was looking out for his brother/sister and despite what his mum and Lawson did, he still felt Lawson should know.

Hearing the door slam, blinking back tears, how did it get to his, how did it get so bad, James had only been back a few days, deep down what he says is true, but despite it all she is doing what she thinks is best for her and her baby. Part of her would love Lawson to know but she couldn't tell him, couldn't let him find out, she knows Lawson and he would want to be a part of their lives and he would tell Shannon and she didn't want anyone finding out about them.

Hearing her phone ring, answering it without looking at the caller ID, hearing the familiar voice on the other end "shit, can this day get any worse"


	14. Chapter 14

Walking out of the terminal, Kerry looks around, back in Melbourne, how did Lawson manage to convince her to come back, why did she listen to what he said, wanting to turn around and catch the first plane back to Darwin, no matter what she wears, there is no hiding the fact that she is 7 ½ months pregnant, as small frame as she has, her pregnant belly showing, not one to wear loose fitting clothes but her leather jacket or jacket and jeans.

Walking to the taxi rank, glad that she didn't tell anyone what time her flight was, could she have hopped in the car with Lawson, the first place she wants to go is TR base, she had missed it, even being in charged in Darwin it was not the same as Melbourne, she missed Leon, and his quirky but irritating ways, even Stella she missed, they were her team, the ones she nurtured in a way,

Driving away from the airport towards the city, leaning forward "go via Mariynbong Road, Fitzroy" seeing the driver glance in the mirror at her "where abouts on , Maiynbong Road, anywhere specific" sighing deeply "Fitzroy, know where that is, by tactical response base". Seeing him nod, she leans back in the seat, the need to take control of her life again.

Looking around the scenery now familiar, bought back to the presence by the taxi drivers voice "where do you want me to drop you at the base", glaring at him "at Novotel in the city, just drive slower by", seeing his eyes look at her via the rearview "look lady, I don't want any trouble". Rolling her eyes "just drive then…." Feeling the car pull up and stop as the driver turns around "you need to get out". Shaking her head her voice firm "No…drive me to city" seeing the car not moving "I'll call the police" reaching for her badge "I am the police you idiot, just drive to the Novotel". Pulling away, from the curb, Kerry looks out the window, seeing a TR car drive down the road, glancing at the car, she sees TR2, on the front and roof.

Walking out of the hotel a short time later, Kerry walks across the bridge to Southbank. Walking along the promenade she watches the fireworks come out of the poles, sitting down looking across the river back towards the city. Maybe one day she will move back to Melbourne, the move to Darwin only temporary until she sorts out this shit of a baby mess she has made.

Walking into Police HQ the following morning, catching the lift up, hoping to walk into no one she knew, knowing how the grapevine works, it wouldn't be long before it got back to Lawson. Seeing Detective Chris Finch, walk out of his office, and up to her "Kerry", "Good morning Chris", not wanting to stop and talk to him, their history brief, brought together over James and being a drug runner a few years ago "You back at TR yet?", shaking her head "Still in Darwin", wanting to leave before someone else saw her, made hard by Chris talking to her "How's that son of yours?", raising her eyes at Chris, she is slightly grateful, he got him off the charges "He's fine, up in Darwin, on his way back to America…..", pointing to the door "I've got to go", watching Kerry walk away from him. His curiosity aroused, he couldn't help but notice she was pregnant wondering if that had anything to do with her move.  
Watching a familiar figure walk into the offices, he turns around, he is sure that was Kerry, but what was she doing back in Melbourne, she was in Darwin, seeing Detective Finch, near him "was that Superintendant Vincent", seeing him nod "Is she back now?", knowing the Senior Sergeant in front of him was in charge of Tactical Response "You will need to speak to her" nodding as he watches Chris walk away, wondering what had brought Kerry back to Melbourne, did she come back for the wedding.

Walking out of the offices later that day, she hears someone calling out her name, closing her eyes briefly biting her lip whispering "shit" she knows that voice, it had been a while since she had heard it, not long enough though. Looking around there is no way to escape, nothing she can do but turn around. Looking up at the person the surprise in his eyes as he quickly looks over her body before meeting her eyes again.

Staring into the eyes, the voice speaks again "I didn't know you were back?" Nodding "wonder why that is".

Looking at Kerry, Charlie's eyes move back to her stomach, obvious she is pregnant, wondering if that was the reason she left Tactical Response so quickly "Congratulations", not smiling at Charlie "for what?" giving a short laugh and smiling at Kerry, nothing much had changed "How many months are you?". Seeing Kerry glare at him but biting her lip "Not a word of this to anyone Charlie?" seeing the smirk on his face still "How do you think you'll hide it Kerry", turning around her face close to his her voice firm "I mean it Charlie, keep it to yourself, or you'll be sorry" before turning and hopping in the lift.

Watching Kerry walk away, her reaction to him seeing her getting him thinking, wondering what she is hiding and who the father is.

….

Walking over the bridge that night, back to Southbank, shit she wanted to be anywhere but here, why on earth did she agree to come back to the wedding. She should just turn up to the church and reception for the wedding. It wasn't like she was going to tell Lawson that he is the father, no matter what James thought on the matter, he was engaged to Shannon and getting married in a couple of days time. Temptation to just turn around, shit she is feeling her age now, 47 and pregnant, how on earth did that happen, why did she let it happen, why did she ever keep the baby. Stopping and looking down the Yarra river, the city on one side and Southbank on the other side. Could she just turn up to the wedding, maybe that was the way, Lawson would be too preoccupied with his new bride and everyone else to even notice her bulging stomach or take no notice of it.

Arriving at the bar a few minutes later, Kerry looks around, it doesn't take long for her to spot Lawson, shit she wanted to be early and sitting down to avoid questions but he still looked at gorgeous as ever, standing still, she wants to turn around, where is the strong person that she is.

Looking at the door, Lawson sees Kerry standing there, looking in, even though it had been about 4 months since he had seen her, he would never forget what she looked like. Watching as she walks towards him, he looks at her, his eyes widening, trying not to show his surprise at her. Seeing her smile at him, the blue eyes that pierce right through him, glad she had come back, he really didn't think she would.

Walking towards her he smiles at her, wanting to reach out and hug her, he didn't realise that he would of missed her, but he cared about her, and deeply.

Sitting down at the table, Kerry sees Lawson watching her sit down, this is the moment she had been dreading, hoping he wouldn't ask to many questions "congratulations", giving him a short smile, how many times had she heard that, how many times, that she didn't feel like that. She didn't want to be pregnant, but she couldn't have an abortion or give up the baby.

Looking at Kerry, Lawson is surprised, he didn't think Kerry wanted kids ever again, he didn't even know she was seeing anyone, but he didn't know much about her anymore. "When is the baby due", not answering him straight away, would he guess or even think it was his "about 2 months….", not showing any surprise or anything, "You coming back to Melbourne, or staying in Darwin once its born". Not wanting to talk about the baby, "I'm going back to Darwin, still have work to do. I didn't come to talk about that" Staring at Kerry her blue eyes have a sparkle in it, her face even had a slight glow to it, he wondered if she was seeing anyone, he should of asked her, and invited him, maybe the father of her baby if she was with him "Did you come back her by yourself, I'm sorry should of told you to bring someone with you, maybe the father". Turning away from Lawson, Kerry's eyes looking around the restaurant, this was the reason she didn't want to meet up she didn't want to talk about her pregnancy or anything about her personal life, turning back to Lawson, not able to look at him in the eyes, her eyes down at the menu her voice firm, with a tone she didn't want to talk about it "I'm not with the father" wanting to change the topic "tell me about TR, what is happening there, I heard about the closure for a month of so" Looking at Kerry, she is a private person, Lawson can't help but smile at her "That was shit, only minor damage done, Leon is still intel officer but you would of known that, Audrey has come back to TR finished her rotation, Shannon has moved to special operations Stella is going for her Sergeant course, Christian is now Senior Sergeant" seeing her nod "are you and Charlie getting on yet?". Giving a short laugh at Kerry, she was a peacemaker before always sticking up for him, he was aware of that, aware that Charlie wanted him out, and Kerry wouldn't let him "Charlie is still annoying and a dickhead, but since he and Stella have started going out, he is slightly more tolerable, Stella on the other hand without Shannon around is more annoying than ever" seeing Kerry's eyes raise high at the news of Charlie and Stella "Stella and Charlie" seeing Lawson nod as he continues "they had something before and according to Shannon, it just happened".

Walking out of the bar a while later, despite everything, Kerry enjoyed the evening, and catching up, despite the few questions at the beginning, after it all she missed Lawson, she missed Tactical Response in Melbourne she wanted to come back, but the truth of Lawson finding out or guessing was too much.

Following Kerry out of the bar, the surprise of her pregnant gone, the evening pleasant, something they hadn't done, much when she was in Melbourne, he missed her, TR wasn't the same without her, he never thought he would say that. With Shannon out of the squad, in a way he wished she would come back. Watching as she looks out across the water, glancing at her pregnant body, that was one surprise he didn't expect.

Looking back at him "It was great catching Up Laws, I'm going to head back." Looking at Kerry, there was something about her, she was beautiful "I'll give you a lift" shaking her head, she needed the space to clear her head, time to think "the walk will do me good". Hurrying up to her "I'll walk with you" turning to face him "I'm fine Lawson I don't need you to walk back with me". Looking at her "Kerry just shut up, I'm walking back with you, no arguments…. for a change", seeing her smile.

Walking back over the bridge, Kerry stops, looking over the Yarra at the city lights and Southbank, "I miss Melbourne, nothing like this in Darwin", leaning close to her "Your going to come back", looking at Lawson, she wants to come back, but has no idea if she can or keep her secret working with him "Maybe one day, I enjoy the work up there, so different from down here, more travelling around, out to Arnhem land, Kakadu, all around the territory, different cases, missing kids/adults a lot you know you won't find, you hope but some vanish near water, and as much as you hope it hasn't happened, crocodiles have taken them"

Looking at Kerry, talk, part of him would love to go up there, but would he miss Melbourne, he loved being in Tactical Response and forming it "you still get to travel?" shrugging "sometimes not lately up to about 6 weeks ago", continuing on "I never thought I'd see you pregnant" seeing her raise her eyes at him "either did I…. didn't you realise you thought about that.", seeing her laugh "that's not what I meant" her eyebrows raised "why say it". Shaking his head at her, he missed this with her, the banter conversation.

Nearly at the Novotel, Lawson doesn't want the night to end he had always liked talking to Kerry and they never really got to hang out together "Are you going to stop by the base at all?." Seeing her raise her eyes at him "like this I don't think so, give Stella a field day" giving a laugh "how do you plan to hide that at the wedding" smiling at Lawson Kerry had really enjoyed the night, but the last word, a reminder of why she was here in Melbourne, a stab in her heart, she was so close to her babies father, and he had no idea, he was getting married in two days time she had to accept that "no idea, I will drop by base before I leave though."

Arriving at the Novotel, Kerry turns to face Lawson, slight awkwardness there despite the conversation flowing freely "I'll see you at your wedding?". Nodding at her, he wanted to spend more time with her, he missed her, reaching out to touch her arm, to say goodbye, this time he did feel something there, shit he was getting married in two days time, moving her hand away "Goodnight, thank you for coming", as he turns away.

Watching Lawson walk away, the touch on her arm, sending goosebumps throughout her body, she still loved him there was just something about him, something he wouldn't ever feel about her the same way. Turning to walk away, can she go to the wedding, will she be able to watch it, watch Lawson proclaim, his love for Shannon, to be with her forever and ever. Someone she would have to get through the day, and probably without the aid of her friend alcohol.

…..

Walking along the beach at St Kilda the following evening, they sit on the pier overlooking the harbour, eating fish and chips nothing said between them, there last night before getting married. Nothing needing to be said, just enjoying each other company, gazing across the bay to the city, his mind back to last night, he had time to think today, the shock of finding out Kerry was pregnant, but there is one thing he should of asked her, would she have told him, he didn't know, the fact is she left Melbourne, did she have a boyfriend or see someone before she left, she didn't want to talk about it, but he had to know, what would he do if she said yes, he was getting married tomorrow to the woman he loved. Trying to get his mind focused back to the present he feels Shannon squeezing his hand smiling at her, as her hand caresses his face.

Looking at Lawson, Shannon's wonders what the matter is, nerves, squeezing his hand, as she tenderly touches his face.

Walking back to their cars, Shannon feels Lawson's arms around her, she can't wait for tomorrow, whispering in his ear "I'll see you tomorrow", kissing her on top of the head, before heading to his car.

Pulling up outside the Novotel, Lawson stares ahead, was his calculation correct, if he got out of his car, would he be able to marry Shannon tomorrow.

Hearing her phone ring, the surprise evident when she hears who is at the reception, what did Lawson want, it was his wedding tomorrow.

Walking up to reception, it isn't long before he is catching the lift up to her room, he has hardly knocked before the door is open, seeing Kerry standing there surprise on her face before she is able to speak "Kerry I need to know is the baby mine am I the father?"


	15. Chapter 15

_**Thanks for the reviews, hope you continue to enjoy it**_

…_**..**_

Trying to control the shock, she should of known that Lawson would try to figure it out, shit, damm, why did he have to ask her, what is she meant to say, yes it is yours, congratulations Lawson, instead she tries to look at him "No", seeing his eyes look at her, slightly confusion there, "are you sure". Glaring at Lawson the pleasant evening fading fast "shit Lawson, I think I would know who the father is". Looking at Kerry her face filling with anger, "I'm sorry, I just needed to know, I thought….….it is just, that it was about that time we slept together". Her eyes darting around the room as she walks to the balcony "you weren't the only guy Lawson…. your not the father."

Her eyes slightly down cast not looking at Lawson, how she would love to tell him, but she isn't going to be responsible for ruining their wedding, she makes mistakes, not that she would admit it, but this time, this is one secret that no one will ever know, despite James, wanting to tell Lawson, he is happy and getting married, she wasn't going to let anything spoil that.

Looking at Kerry, did he wish he was the father, did he want that responsibility no, he was getting married tomorrow, he should feel relieved but part of him still wonders if she is telling him the truth.

….

Walking into the park the next day, Kerry looks around and stops at the entrance of it, forcing one leg in front of the other to walk towards the seats. Truth be told, her and Lawson would never of worked out, he did deserve to be happy, the reason she wasn't going to tell him. Turning around as she hears her name called out, she sees her old squad, Leon, Stella, Christian with Annie and Charlie. She did miss the guys, she would never tell them though, feeling Leon's arms around her "welcome back" she feels Stella's eyes upon her "your pregnant wow", seeing Stella look at her "I thought you didn't want anymore kids" raising her eyes, her mouth firm "I don't".

Glancing at Christian, Annie had only met Kerry a couple of times and briefly and some team gatherings, she knew she was a tough boss, but one that Christian admired and respected and talked highly off. When Kerry left suddenly a few months ago, that Christian missed her, despite her tough exterior, Annie could sense by her talking a vulnerability underneath, that was there with her being pregnant and her answers especially the last one, slightly confusing, but in those two words, clarity that she didn't expect or plan it, but could not get rid of it, the surprise on the teams face, it was evident no one knew about it and it seemed that was the way she wanted it. Seeing Christian and Annie look at her, in slight confusion as Annie speaks softly "How far along are you?" looking at Annie "about 7 ½ months"

Looking at Charlie, Stella, sees he was not surprised about seeing Kerry or the fact she was so pregnant, before turning back to her "are you by yourself?", glaring at Stella, this was the reason she didn't want to come, the questions by them especially her. Not answering her question "I'm going to sit down". Looking at Kerry and Stella, Leon turns to them "Shan will be here soon, and I want to see Lawson nervous waiting for her", knowing his last part, would rouse Stella' interest, as they walk inside "seeing Lawson nervous and pacing, he is so out of his depth"

Sitting down, Leon hurries ahead of Stella, sitting next to Kerry, not one to say thank you, but the smile he gets from her, he knows is her way as she leans towards her "You know Stella won't give up". Keeping her eyes focused straight ahead, she is aware of that, seeing Lawson walk up to the front, damm he looked gorgeous, turning her eyes away, looking around, closing her eyes briefly, the memory of that night so long ago, 7 ½ months ago, now as if it was yesterday, his touch on her naked skin, his kisses, turning around to face the front, she sees Lawson looking at her a smile on his face, giving a half smile back.

Turning to look at Charlie, Stella whispers "you knew Kerry was pregnant, why didn't you say anything", looking at Stella, the feelings they have, trying to be kept at bay for the time being "Stel, its not my place to say anything, she didn't want anyone to know". Her eyes sparkling, she knew Kerry and knew what Kerry thought of Charlie "she made sure you wouldn't say anything" giving a quiet laugh at Stella's comment, which was so true "you know her too well", before facing the front.

Wanting some information from Kerry, Stella leans forward on her seat, feeling a tap on her shoulder she hears Stella's voice "are you going to tell us who the father is?" ignoring Stella was eaiser said than done, turning around, hearing the music, she didn't think she would be grateful to hear that, standing up, she watches as Shannon stands at the arch looking down the aisle, glancing at the front she sees Lawson, a huge smile on his nervous face, his hands clenched by his side.

Standing at the door, the day had come for Shannon Henry to marry Lawson Blake, a few days ago, she had left TR, Lawson needed it more than her, taking a deep breath, she sees him standing at the front, looking slightly nervous, in a short while she would be Mrs Lawson Blake. Taking a deep breath she walks down by herself, she didn't want any bridesmaids, Stella and Charlie will be the witnesses, the thought of Stella dressed up, well she doubted that would happen, even for her and Lawson.

Walking up the path under the arch out to the open of the park, with Stella and Charlie behind them, she feels Stella's arms around her "Congratulations, better you than me" the pulling away "do you remember in the car when Lawson went to get the birthday cake for Kerry, how anyone could marry Lawson, well that poor person is you"

Walking away from the ceremony, Kerry looks around, did she want to see Lawson up close again , the glimpse in the church was enough, enough to know how much in love with Shannon he was, enough to know she couldn't tell him that he was the father.

Hearing the voice she wanted to get away from, Stella continuing from where she left off before they sat down "who's the father Kerry, it wasn't someone you met in Darwin, as you've only been gone 4 months, which does explain why you left so quickly my guess is it is someone in Melbourne and you didn't want them to know, someone you saw a lot, someone you don't or didn't want to know you were pregnant". Glaring at Stella, she should of known, that Stella wouldn't let it go, that she was a bloody good officer, could figure things out for herself, if Stella could figure out that much, Lawson no doubt could figure out more, needing Stella to stop so Lawson didn't find out, "you should use that brain and thinking in your work Stel, instead of gossip". Looking at Kerry "so your admitting I'm right", shaking her head "That's not what I'm saying….you could be a bloody good cop Stel", trying to look hurt "Your saying I'm not already".

Looking around quickly, Kerry sees Lawson talking to people on the other side before facing the others, seeing Stella watching her as she continues "I' reckon it is someone you know well and see a lot, maybe…."

Watching Stella and Kerry's reaction, Christian suspects that Stella is right, but also wondering if there is more to it, that she was hiding something, and what Stella said was true, but also wondering who the father was.

Seeing out of the corner of her eye Lawson leave the people he was talking to, her voice firm "Stella, just leave it, its none of your business" seeing Stella about to open her mouth "not another word", not one to give up easy, and with Kerry no longer her boss "Maybe but I will find out?"

Hearing footsteps and a voice behind them "find out what?" Kerry knew that voice anywhere, and knew that Stella would answer yep as she hears "who the father of Kerry's baby is?", turning to face Lawson, she sees him staring at her. Looking at Kerry and hearing Stella's question, even though he asked Kerry last night if he was the father, he did still wonder about it was she telling him the truth, there was something in her eyes though when she looked at him, the smile on her face, reaching out to touch her arm, her bare skin, his touch on her arm brief as she pulls her arm away from him as he leans over to her all he can say "thank you for coming" then moving away from her "when do you go back to Darwin?", trying to look at him "a few days, have some things I have to do at HQ before heading back" then shaking his head "I still can't get over the fact that your pregnant", then hearing his new wife's voice "what, who" before looking at Kerry in surprise "wow, how many months". Looking at Shannon avoiding Lawson's face she replies yet again "about 7 ½ months". Looking up at Lawson before back at Kerry "Are you with the father?", trying to keep her voice neutral giving nothing away, what was she to say it was a one night stand, it is you husband, he slept with me one night "its your wedding day, forget about me and the baby", not seeing the look on their faces.

Walking into the reception a short time later, Stella turns to Leon "If we got Kerry drunk, we'd find out who the father was." Shaking his head at his friend "leave it Stel, why do you want to know so much", seeing Stella look at him "my gut instinct tells me the father is Lawson" shaking his head at Stella, as Christian walks past "no way Stel, Lawson was engaged at the time she got pregnant, that would of meant that he cheated on Shannon", seeing her hands on her hips "guys don't do that hey Christian, what about you and Amber?". Opening his mouth "we were friends that was all", seeing the disbelief even on Leon's face as he continues "not all guys cheat Stella, this is Lawson were talking about, nodding "Exactly, he and Kerry have a history, I need to find out it wasn't, Shannon is my friend". Looking at Stella, Leon knows what a great friend she is "what if you find out hurts Shannon, Stel, could you tell her, could you break them up" biting her lip looking at Leon she shrugs "I don't' know. Don't you think it is weird that Kerry leaves TR, she is 4 months pregnant, she moves to Darwin, no contact with TR, none of us including Lawson, considering what TR meant to her. Put it together, the father has to be someone she doesn't want to know, or find out. Someone she would see around, she couldn't avoid"

Nodding, what Stella said made sense, but Leon doubted that Kerry would go there, despite the fact that he like the rest of them thought something had happened between them in the past "Its Lawson and Kerry though Stel, she wouldn't go there, nor he."

Deep in thought Christian looks at Stella "why would she come back now, when she is heavily pregnant, knowing that if Lawson was the father and I don't think he is, would find out, your theory doesn't make sense Stella if she didn't want them to find out, she wouldn't come back now, not until after the baby was born"

Looking at Kerry and back at the two guys "Then why won't she give us a clue to who the father is", Christian looking at Kerry then Stella "she doesn't have to Stel, she was our boss, its her life not yours, just let her be, She doesn't need this" walking away back to the table.

…

Sitting at the table, glad that Stella isn't around, Kerry sees Annie sitting down near her smiling at her, quietly spoken she had not really met Annie. "you can't wait until they come, for them to just come out, the pain made worth while though" giving Annie a half smile "I had a caesarean with James and will this one, feel like a duck waddling around, can't wait for it all to be over", looking at Kerry "then it all starts, the sleepless nights, nappy changing" groaning at Annie the things she wasn't looking forward too, actually there wasn't a lot she was looking forward too as Annie continues "Christian though is a great help, even with his long hours, I'd be lost without him, it is great when the fathers help out" nodding at Annie, one thing she won't be finding out about anytime soon finding herself opening up slightly "I'm on my own with this one". Looking at Kerry noticing the glances she gives Lawson and also what Stella said earlier "I'm sorry that will be hard," her voice then soft "if you told him, I'm sure he would help you" talking more to herself than Annie "If only it was the easy" looking at Kerry she is quite sure that Stella is right, "I hope things work out for you, raising kids is hard enough, let alone if you're by yourself." Raising her eyes at Annie, she is aware of that, it is either that or tell Lawson.

…

Dancing with Stella, she looks beautiful, seeing Stella look at him, damm her, "you need to leave Kerry alone" smiling at Charlie shaking her head "not a chance Charlie" looking at Stella "would you really tell Shannon, not that Kerry would admit it" glancing at Kerry, then to Lawson and a beaming Shannon, then back at Charlie "probably not ….. but I think Shannon has a right to know and so would Lawson, wouldn't you like to know if you were the father, it would be hard for Kerry doing it by herself" looking at Charlie then back at Kerry "I'll leave it, whoever the father is she doesn't want anyone to know, including him, I just think she is doing the wrong thing, she won't be able to do it by herself, look what has happened with her and James" pulling Stella towards him "but James is back with her now" nodding looking up at Charlie his mouth close to hers "your place or mine"


	16. Chapter 16

Arriving back in Darwin, a couple of days later, in a way glad to be away from Melbourne, the questions by Stella she was a bloody good cop and looking around the base bringing back memories. Opening the door to her apartment seeing James there, still slightly raw from their disagreement a couple of weeks ago, with him still pushing it up until she left Darwin, seeing James look at her "don't start" shaking his head "I take it you didn't tell Lawson then?" walking into the bedroom yes she had the opportunity the night before his wedding turning to face James "It was his wedding James, I was not going to ruin that. This is my problem, one that I have to deal with by myself" looking at his mum "don't you think Shannon deserves to know that the man she is marrying cheated on her, and now has a child shortly" shaking her head getting sick of the conversation her voice firm "No…. I'm not going to be the one that ruins their marriage and Lawson isn't going to find out" walking up to Kerry wrapping his arms around her "I love you mum….. I think your doing the wrong thing" sighing at James "I get that but its complicated James, there is no right or wrong here" looking at his mum "did you ever think that maybe it would work out" seeing Kerry raise her eyes at him "you and Lawson, I know he cares about you and I know you love him" shaking her head she doesn't want to admit it "he loves Shannon"

….

**ONE MONTH LATER**

Walking out of the base for the last time in a few months Kerry looks around, despite the rocky start she would miss it walking towards the car she sees Matt walking towards her, looking up at him "I'll be on my mobile if you need me" smiling at Kerry "we were fine before you, I'm sure we can cope for a few months, just look after yourself and the baby" glaring at Matt "don't worry about me, keep me updated on what is happening" watching Kerry get into the car he would miss her, despite not wanting her here.

Watching Kerry walk out Amanda smiles to herself, as she walks out to meet Sean, seeing Matt watching her, she looks at his face "so glad that the bitch has gone for a few months, hope she doesn't come back" turning around to face Mandy "You need to start respecting Kerry, if I hear you call her a bitch again you will be looking for a job elsewhere, consider this an official warning", looking up at Matt in surprise he had never raised his voice at her before or threatened her "look what's she's done to you, your turning into her too" looking at him, watching as Kerry's car leaves "you like her, what is it about her, that makes guys fall over her, she's old, too old for you Matt", turning to look at Mandy "I'm your superior as is Kerry, you need to remember that" before walking back into the communication room. Watching Kerry pull out of the driveway what is it about her, she is attractive for her age, there is something about her, smiling up as Sean walks towards her.

Sitting down at the apartment, damm she left stuff at work, standing up she really can't wait for this baby to be born, . Arriving there a short time later, getting out of the car as a stab of pain goes through her stomach, looking down, no it can't be its too early, she still has a few weeks to go. Sitting on the seat, holding her stomach, walking out towards his car, Matt sees Kerry sitting on the side of her car, walking over to her seeing her face in pain trying to get her breathing under control, kneeling down "you alright" looking up at him her eyes not focusing "no…the baby" unable to say anything else, kneeling down, he sees a puddle of water, shit looking back up at Kerry her face contorted with pain, putting his arm around her, he sees her looking up at him "what are you doing?", not looking at her "taking you to the hospital" shaking her head "I'll be fine," looking at Kerry in disbelief "you are not fine Kerry, and are in state to drive" glancing at Matt, a glare on her face "just call me an ambulance." Putting his arm around her "I'm taking you, just get in the car".

Looking at Matt, trying to control her breathing, shit could this get any worse, she didn't want him taking her to the hospital she didn't want him to see her like this. Looking up at him trying to control the pain "just call an ambulance, I don't need you take me" looking at her "Kerry just get in the car, or do I have to drag you in there." Walking over to the car, sitting in "drop me off then you go" nodding trying to control his smile. Arriving at the hospital turning to Matt "can you let James know?" watching Kerry get out of the car, he quickly walks around "I'm fine Matt, I can walk by myself" smiling at Kerry "want me to bring James here" looking at Matt, the caring in his eyes, shaking her head "just….. just tell him I'll let him know"

Watching Kerry walk away at the hospital, hating the fact that she is by herself, wondering again where the father is

Looking at the baby in her arms, is it really hers after all this time, looking down at the sleeping girl in her arm, a girl could she be a better mother this time, could she give her daughter the love she wanted and needed. The labour was bad enough, ending up in a caesarean anyway, in a way wishing Lawson was there to help her through it, shaking her head, no she made the right decision. Getting out of the bed walking away cradling her daughter, smiling seeing James walk in looking up at him "have you named her yet?" shaking her head she had no idea, here she is now a single mother at 47, yes the father would want to be part of it but there is no way she is going to tell him. The thought of bringing up her daughter scaring the shit out of her, would she better now she is older, can she do it by herself, be a single mother, can she cope and give this baby the love she deserves.

Looking at his mother, and his sister, now she is born, the temptation of telling Lawson there, looking down at her, so tiny, the thought of her mother now having a daughter him a sister, he didn't know which was worse his mother pregnant, the fact she slept with someone who was engaged or not having a sister 25 years younger than him, old enough to be a father himself.

…

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

Picking up the mail, Lawson notices a letter with the Darwin stamp, opening it up, he looks at it, going down to the bottom, he sees it is from Kerry, staring at the first line

Dear Lawson

As I write this, it is hard, I know I said you weren't the father, but the truth is you are,

Unable to read any further his hands shaking, staring at it, putting it down he looks at his phone, can he call her putting the letter back in the envelope wanting to tear it up. Sitting at the table, he stares at the envelope, opening the letter his hands shake, he wondered about who the father was of Kerry's baby, he did wonder briefly if he was, but he believed her when she said no, now this letter, what did she want from him, why tell him now, what would happen if Shannon found out, she would know he cheated on her whilst they were engaged. Despite it all he is a father, he has a baby girl, a child a daughter.

Reading the whole letter

Dear Lawson

As I write this, it is hard, I know I said you weren't the father, but the truth is you are, if you didn't hear I had a baby girl, born 24th may, 2 months ago.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I think you deserve to know, that you have a daughter and she is beautiful. I don't want anything from you, but if you want to visit her at anytime, then you're more than welcome. If you want nothing to do with us, I do understand.

I will be probably coming back to Melbourne, Tactical Response in a few months time and bringing our daughter back with me.

I am sorry you had to find out this way, and if you don't want Shannon to know, I will respect that.

Kerry.

Putting the letter down, he can't have Shannon finding out, grabbing his joggers, he closes the door be hind him. Arriving back at the apartment he sees Shannon coming in, putting her bag down, walking over to him, before kissing him, smiling at his wife, he didn't deserve her. "I'm just going to have a shower?" letting the water pour over him, the words in Kerry's letter going over in his mind "you have a daughter" shit, the one thing he knows for sure is he has to go and see Kerry, he wants to see his daughter but more importantly he needs to speak to Kerry, anger going through him, he asked her about the baby, and she denied it, he should of pushed it more, hearing Shannon in the kitchen, how is he going to tell her, can he keep it a secret, shit Kerry hitting the shower wall .

…..

Opening the front door of her serviced apartment, the surprise evident on Kerry's face, "what are you doing here?" seeing no smile on Lawson's face "where you ever going to tell me?". Trying not to show any emotion on her face, there is only one thing that crosses her mind looking at him trying to remain casual her tongue moving around her mouth trying to contain her nervousness "tell you what?"

Looking at Kerry the letter in his hand, it wasn't the welcome he expected, she acted as though he didn't know what she was talking about, bringing the letter out of his pocket practically throwing it at her "this?". Looking at the piece of paper in Lawson's hand, no it can't be, she threw out the letter, she wrote it, but decided against sending it for this reason, looking at the letter yes it was, the letter he wrote, how on earth did he get it "where did you get this from?". Looking at Kerry in surprise, even now she is still wanting to deny the fact he had a daughter "it was sent to me at Tactical Response" shaking her head "shit, James, I'm going to kill him" as she walks away from the door.

Trying to look at Kerry he needed to know, what was happening, "where you going to tell me I was the father", her eyes darting around the room not looking at Lawson her voice soft "no….you…..", feeling Lawson's hand on her arm, trying to swing her around to face him his voice loud "I have a daughter Kerry, and you didn't feel like I should know, you didn't tell me, I asked you if it was mine you said NO Kerry NO and your still denying it, how could you"

Her eyes looking down biting her lips her tongue running over them "I know…. Lawson your married to Shannon, I did what I thought was right", looking at her is she serious "for who Kerry", looking at Lawson "for you" seeing him raise his eyes at her, did she really expect him to believe that, Kerry looked after herself always had, and this was no different shaking his head at her, looking at Kerry "where is she?", nodding towards the bedroom "she's sleeping, I'm not going to stop you visiting her Lawson, it's up to you, I was doing what I thought was best, I didn't want to ruin your relationship." Looking at Kerry in disbelief "what was best, for you"

Walking away trying to control her anger and voice before facing him "You really think I didn't tell you out of spite, I did what I thought was right for you… what now Lawson, we play happy families, what are you going to tell Shannon, you really think she'll want to know you have a daughter, did you really want me to tell you the night before your wedding….you can't have it both ways"

Walking over to the lounge, she had a point what about Shannon, he knows she won't be happy and hurt but he has a daughter "I don't know Kerry, I don't know why I even came up here. I get this letter given to me, saying I have a daughter a daughter Kerry, you knew all this time, well before I got married and you didn't bother to tell me" then turning to face her "You left Darwin so I wouldn't find out" leaning against the wall, looking at Lawson nodding before a soft "Yes"

Rubbing her hands over her face, the lack of sleep in the past two months catching up on her, her voice tired "what do you want me to say Lawson", shaking his head "I don't know Kerry I wished you had told me earlier". Walking over to sit down near him, her eyes still looking elsewhere "what would you have done, it wouldn't of made a difference?", shrugging, he doesn't know what difference it would have made, would he have told Shannon what happened, would he have married Shannon, so many thoughts going through his mind, his voice coming out exasperated "I don't know Kerry, but you had no right to make that decision, it was my decision to make not yours" he had a daughter with Kerry "you look tired?" giving him a short smile, not wanting to talk about it, over the conversation "Lawson it was my body, I was the one that gave birth, if it wasn't for that bloody letter, you would be in Melbourne still"

Walking towards the door, need to clear his head now he had seen her "You would of denied your daughter and me the chance to get to know each other, talk about selfish, this time you have outdone yourself, that is saying something too Kerry" glaring at Kerry as he walked to the door "what have you put on the birth certificate father unknown" closing the door behind him.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Thank you for the people who have added this as a favourite or story alert and the reviews. What was going to be a few chapters has ended up being more, still a few more to go,**_

…_**..**_

Walking away from the apartments, he didn't know what he expected coming up here, not this, despite it everything, he just can't believe that Kerry would do what she did, part of him understands why, but still not making it easier, what will Shannon say, how will he tell her.

Watching Lawson slam the door, walking out she walks over to the bench, seeing a bottle of wine there, she takes a sip, damm him, taking out her phone, she dial James, hearing it go to voice mail "When you get this message call me, we need to talk" before throwing it. Pacing around, what now that Lawson knows, was it good thing that he knew, truth was she hadn't even filled out the birth certificate yet, she didn't even want to think of that. Hearing a cry, moaning doesn't she know how to sleep, can't she just sleep the day away, she isn't mother material, Emily was proving that, starting to feed her, she hears a knock on the door, she answers it with Emily on her hip, the surprise on her face as Lawson is standing there saying nothing "you just going to stand there?"

Seeing Kerry open the door, holding his daughter, she looked beautiful blue eyes just like her mother. Following her inside, not a word said between them, seeing Kerry walk towards a room, he follows a short time later, looking in he turns away, hearing Kerry's voice "I won't be long" seeing Lawson not moving from the door "you going to watch….its not like you haven't seen them before" giving a short laugh "no but not with a baby hanging off it" rolling her eyes at him she hands her to him a short time later "you can change her nappy, everything's here", watching Kerry as she walks out of the room

A smile on her face as she leaves Lawson in the room, looking around a short time later as he walks out, "You didn't think I could do it?" raising her eyes at him saying nothing, Walking over to the counter, she gets out a bottle of red, taking a sip seeing Lawson's eyes raised at her.

Leaning back on the lounge holding his daughter, still angry at Kerry but calming down now that he is holding her looking at Kerry "what did you name her", glancing at Lawson, not able to maintain eye contact "Emily Brenda" nodding at Kerry, it is a pretty name, still partly angry that he had no say in it. Watching Lawson stroke Emily's head a smile coming to her face "how long are you up here for?", looking at her despite his anger at her, he can't help but look at her, there has always been something about her, that has drawn him to her, made him care and protect her "a few days only, have to go and find a place to stay?", looking at Lawson in surprise "you haven't booked anywhere?" shaking his head looking down at Emily before back at Kerry "no….. was just going to find a place" giving a short laugh at Lawson's answer "it's the dry season up here, places book out in advance?". Looking at Kerry he didn't even think of that actually he had no idea about that, he didn't think of much when he booked his flight except to find out what the letter meant, "any chance of seeing the TR up here". Nodding at him, typical Lawson "I'll see what I can do".

Stroking Emily looking at her sleeping peacefully in his arms "she's beautiful Kerry, like her mother", looking up at Kerry meeting her in the eyes, seeing her watching him, looking back down at Emily, he can't look at Kerry, there is something about the way she looks at him, the piercing blue of her eyes, going right through him. Watching Lawson with their daughter "you can stay here, there is a spare bedroom, you just need to share it with Emily", looking up at Kerry a smile on his face, he doesn't mind sharing it with her daughter "thanks" laughing "You won't thank me at 2 am in the morning when she screams waking up"

….

Sitting on the lounge a couple of nights later, sipping glasses of red wine, Lawson turns to Kerry "are you staying up in Darwin?", looking at Lawson then around, she doesn't know, the reason she didn't want to go back, but enjoying the job up here too "I don't know, things have changed Lawson, I just don't' know" turning to look at Kerry, the past two days spend with Kerry and his daughter walking around Darwin, spending time together as a family, he enjoyed it, despite waking up several times through the night, changing nappies and the constant demands of a baby, he has no idea how Kerry copes by herself but still enjoying every minute of it, the guilt slightly there as his mind didn't go back to his wife, what would he tell Shannon. He had to tell her, he just didn't know how.

Looking at Lawson him not saying anything "You can see her anytime, Lawson" looking at Kerry her blue eyes staring at him, the tiredness there "it's a long way between Melbourne and Darwin and….." he didn't need to finish his sentence she knew what he was going to say, Shannon, he didn't want to think about how he would tell her, "I don't know how to tell her." Smiling ruefully at him her tongue running over her lips, before looking at him shrugging her shoulders, she has no idea either "I can't answer that one Laws" seeing her look at him a short smile on her face "they need help up here with Tactical Response, they are wanting to start one up in Alice springs too, instead of travelling from Darwin, or some special force group"

Looking at Kerry he is curious about what she is saying , is she suggesting he move up to Darwin, could he move up here would Shannon want to move up here, would Shannon still want to be with him.

Finishing the bottle of wine she turns to Lawson "I never imagined my life to turn out like this now, shit Lawson I'm nearly 47 single and I have a baby." Reaching out touching her arm "you're not by yourself I will help you, I want to help with our daughter" raising her eyes at him she would love him to help her, to be with her but reality is the distance unless she moves back, could she face everyone "Your in Melbourne"

Nodding and looking at Kerry "not if I move to Darwin", shaking her head "No… don't make decisions, you need to talk to Shannon", looking down, his eyes sad "once she finds out about this… I don't know". Feeling Kerry's hand on his "you need to tell her"

Watching Kerry walk over to the bench before sitting down again, handing him something looking at him "I haven't filled out her birth certificate yet" then looking him in the eyes "I don't want father unknown on it, I want her to know who her father is,?" looking at Kerry a smile on his face, even though he said that, it makes it all so real, but he did want to be in her life, all he can do is hope Shannon understands, he doesn't want to be someone her daughter doesn't know, reaching for the certificate signing it, before handing it back to her, smiling at Lawson, she did want his name on it, looking at him, this had brought them together but the fact remains he is still married. Feeling her touch his arm, the best he would get as a sorry or any type of apology from her, the touch of her upon his arm, fuck he is married, seeing Kerry move her hand away "I'll see you in the morning"

The following night, they go out for dinner, walking back, Lawson pushes the pram turning to Kerry "I didn't expect this for another couple of years", biting her lips "I didn't expect this at all", rubbing her eyes, the lack of sleep and staying up talking to Lawson taking its toil, even with his help, the sleepless nights catching up on her.

Walking around the city, Kerry turns in surprise as she hears her name called, turning around she sees Matt standing there looking at her and Lawson, not saying anything at first. Coming out of the pub, Matt sees Kerry calling out, wondering the guy she was with, whoever it was, he could tell, something between them, watching them before calling out, the body language something there, not able to let her pass calling out to her, "so this is her, bigger now" leaning down at the pram then looking up at Kerry "She looks like you" smiling at Matt "help her", looking at them both wanting to say, more, he had seen them both at the hospital, when he went to see Kerry, something had changed when he saw her in hospital, and now seeing them together, the pang of jealousy there, she's his boss, his superior, he can't have feelings for her.

Looking at Matt and Lawson, slight awkwardness, seeing Matt's blue eyes looking at her "Emily Brenda" seeing Lawson look at Matt and back to her "Matt, this is Senior Sergeant Lawson Blake from Tactical Response in Melbourne, Lawson this is Sergeant Matthew Watson, form TR up here". Shaking Matt's hand, watching Matt look at Kerry or more importantly the way Kerry looked at Matt, why did he feel a slight jealousy about it. Looking at Matt, "Senior Sergeant Blake, would like to have a look around base, maybe go out with you one day on your shift?" nodding at Kerry, "do you ever not think of work" hearing Lawson laugh "nope she lives and dreams work" feeling Kerry's glare upon him before turning back to Matt "I'm only here for another day, but it would be great even if I just look around", looking at Matt "I'll drop him off at the base tomorrow and show him around before he goes out with you" reaching out touching his arm "thanks" looking up at Kerry maintaining her eye contact "I'll see you then" before turning away.

Watching Lawson push the pram with Kerry near by, looking at him, smiling at him touching his arm gently as they walk, his eyes glued upon them wanting to turn away but not able to, the answer to his question, just watching them, they are more than friends he is sure of it.

Arriving back at the serviced apartment, putting Emily to bed, walking out to the lounge, grabbing a glass of wine before sitting near Lawson, seeing Lawson staring at her "thanks for organising me to see TR with Sergeant Watson", smiling at Lawson she can't help but stare at him, despite her growing feelings for Matt, she had always loved Lawson and is the father of her child "I never thought we'd go through this" reaching out and touching her arm "this, having a baby together " nodding her gaze upon his "yep…. I think you know what else" moving closer to her "we're only human Kerry, it wasn't like any of this was planned", nodding her eyes looking around the room "I feel guilty", looking at Kerry her eyes looking back at him, his hand still on her arm, shit he is married, he has a wife back in Melbourne, here is Kerry the mother of his child "what about … the baby?". Glancing at Lawson her eyes slightly downward her tongue moving around her lips nodding and shaking her head "us", looking at Kerry in the eyes, searching her face, did she feel something too, was it his imagination "you and me, why?", holding his gaze her voice soft "I think you know" then raising her eyes at Lawson, here he was sitting next to her, spending the last few days together, then her voice a whisper looking away "I don't know what to think anymore", reaching out and touching her face "your not the only one", turning to face him, staring into each other's eyes as they lean towards each other, Kerry quickly pulls back "I'll see you in the morning"

Watching Kerry walk away, what just happened would he have kissed her, walking to his bedroom, he was leaving the following night, part of him wanted to stay up here, not wanting to face Shannon when he got home. Lying in bed his eyes open, he doubts he would get any sleep that night.

…

Answering her phone early the following morning speaking to Matt "Yeah, Lawson is here with me now" Hearing Kerry answer that, a stab in the gut, he saw them last night together, he wondered about Kerry and the father of her baby and if she was seeing anyone, watching Lawson push the pram with Kerry next to him, the touch and smiles between them, was Lawson staying at her place, not wanting to think about it anymore as he continues on speaking to him. Turning to face Lawson "what time does you flight leave" looking at Kerry confused "6 pm" a smile on her face "does it matter if you miss it, can you change it" smiling at Lawson's confused look "Matt is on the phone, they need to go out to Kakadu, it would be great experience for you" seeing the grin on Lawson's face "I'll drop him off at the base shortly, there is a uniform in the storeroom that should fit him"

Arriving at the base a short time later, Kerry walks in, picking up Stephanie from the car seat. Walking up to Matt "What's happening" shaking his head "found an abandoned car, just over from the Cahill crossing, with blood in it, we've run a rego check on it" then turning to Lawson "you can fly out with us then drive back" handing him a uniform before turning to Kerry "he better be as good as you say he is" nodding at Matt "He is, he is one of the best Tactical Response officers you will find anywhere, how many of you are flying out?" looking at Kerry she looks tired "two driving out in each car" nodding "send them out now, I'll drop the three of you off at the airport" nodding as he walks to the car, waiting for the others.

…

Walking in the door Lawson looks around, the quietness, Shannon still at work, taking a deep breath, he needs to tell her, he knows she will be angry hurt, and nothing will change the fact what happened but he wants to be part of Emily's life he doesn't want to be a father who isn't there for his kids.

Hearing the front door close a while later, he sees Shannon walk up to him a huge smile on her face and she wraps her arms around him "I've missed you, how long have you been home for. How was Darwin?" smiling at his wife he nods "not long, why don't we go out for dinner?"

Walking around Southbank, over looking the river, holding Shannon's hand, knowing if he told her, it would be the end of it all, seeing Shannon look at him "I've missed you so much", leaning down to kiss her "I've missed you too", looking up at him slight confusion on her face, there was something different about him he seemed miles away and his kiss different "did you see Kerry whilst you were up there", feeling him stiffen, at the mention of her name he nods. Looking at Shannon, he loves her, not wanting to say anything but knowing the longer he leaves it the worse it will be. Can he tell her, hearing Kerry's name he tries to act casual knowing what she will say, all he can answer is one word "yes". Waiting for Lawson to continue he says nothing "Did you see her baby, she has had it, how is she going, is she coming back here" giving a laugh at all the questions she is asking,, trying to control his emotions "yes Shan, to everything, I saw Kerry, can we not talk about Kerry or anything about her".

Standing on the spot, releasing Lawson's hand she turns to face him "Did something happen between you and Kerry?" staring into Shannon's eyes he looks away unable to look at her, hearing her voice "It did didn't it".

Looking at Lawson, he was acting weird, his answer, ringing alarm bells, not talking about Kerry, she was sure something was up, part of her not wanting to know the answer to it.

Reaching for her hand not wanting a scene, he didn't want to talk about this here or now "can we talk about this later", standing on the spot, pulling away from him "what's there to talk about, did something happen between you and Kerry?"

Turning to face Shannon, he closes his eyes, unable to look at her "I'm the father of Kerry's baby", looking at Lawson did she hear right, "what"

Looking at Shannon reaching out to touch her "I'm sorry Shan", flinching at his touch "Don't touch me….Your sorry, is that why you went up to Darwin… if Kerry wasn't pregnant would you have ever told me" shaking her head trying to make sense of it all. Looking at Shannon he was sorry, he didn't want her to find out, he didn't want this to happen looking at her "can we go home and talk about it", her eyes full of tears, she didn't want to be near him, pushing him away, she runs away from him, hearing his voice calling out "Shan"

Her breath coming fast, she has no idea how long she has run for, or where she has run, seeing a seat, she walks over to it, sitting down, the sobs coming out, not able to stop the crying. How could Lawson do this to her, he had cheated on her once before sleeping with Tash, this time, she gave him a second chance, and he slept with Kerry whilst they were engaged. Wiping her eyes across her face, the hurt betrayal all there, made worse by the fact it was her boss he slept with, someone she knew and trusted.

…

Walking inside their place, Lawson looks around, worried about Shannon, wondering where she is. Hoping she was alright. He wish it had never happened but if it hadn't he also wouldn't have the beautiful daughter he now has.

Lying on the couch watching TV, he just hopes she comes home some time that night.

Walking into the apartment the early hours of the morning, she can't sleep and doesn't want to see Lawson but with no where else to go. Seeing him asleep on the lounge, she tries to walk past him, in no mood really to talk to him. Hearing the front door open Lawson opens his eyes seeing Shannon there, he sits up "Shan".

Looking at Lawson her face full of anger, and red from crying trying, she needs to know when it all happened, try to make sense of it all, to keep her voice strong "when did you sleep with her", looking at her face, which is expressionless "does it really matter?", hearing the anger in her voice "I think it does, when Lawson", his eyes down, before looking up at him "the night I found out Josh had died?"

Biting her lip, did she really want to know that, wishing she didn't ask "the night after our engagement party", seeing him nod "yes", as he watches her walk out of the room towards the bedroom.

Lying on the bed, the tears falling again, how could he have done it, how could either of them done it. The image of them in her head, wondering what her baby looked like and what had happened in Darwin.

….

Knocking on the door, he can't help himself he has to see her, he knows he shouldn't but his heart over ruling his head. Opening up the door the surprise evident on her face "what are you doing here?"

Staring at Kerry, the answer to her question he can't answer, instead he leans towards her, his lips finding hers as he kisses her, feeling her respond, he wraps his arms around her, pulling her closer to him as their mouths find each other.


	18. Chapter 18

Moving inside the apartment closing the door with her foot, Kerry looks at Matt in the eyes before moving away from him "what do you think your doing?" staring at her he has no idea, all he knew was he had to come over to see her, working with Lawson yesterday he was a great officer but he needed to know looking back at Kerry shrugging "I don't know, all I do know is I had to come over and see you, I need to know are you and Lawson together" her eyes darting around her apartment, before resting briefly on Matt her voice soft "No…" looking at Kerry, trying to get her to look at him the answer he wanted but still no satisfied "you want him though". Looking up at Matt can she come out and say it, "Its complicated he's… um he's the" finishing the sentence for her, the pieces now coming together "he's the father of your baby" still not able to look at Matt she nods. Still confused, he saw them together, wondering why they aren't together, the distance, no he saw the wedding ring on Lawson's finger and now he overheard him saying something about a wife, all making sense, but one thing was obvious Kerry had feelings for Lawson he was sure of that and now feeling like an idiot shaking his head "forget about it" looking at Matt and the embarrassment, she walks closer to him, staring at him in the eyes seeing him moving closer to her taking a deep breath staring at him in the eyes almost daring him "I'm not with Lawson or anyone", her heart beating quicker as he leans down towards her kissing her again, this time feeling her arms wrap around his, as they move to the lounge, hearing him whisper "I've wanted to do that for ages"

Lying on the lounge, there kissing becoming heavier and more passionate, feeling Matt's hands moving about her stomach, her body now back to its pre baby shape but feeling weird about a guy touching her there. Moving his hand higher up as she feels his lips moving away from her mouth staring into her eyes tilting her head back slightly a moan escaping from her feeling his lips upon hers, hearing a cry coming from the bedroom increasing in volume her voice soft "I have to get that" disentangling herself from Matt, doing up the buttons on her top as she walks away.

Watching Kerry walk away, sitting up on the lounge, what just happened, he didn't know what he was doing coming here, but not expecting that, what happens now, he had been wanting to do that for ages, but now no idea what is going to happen.

Walking into the room, the crying still continue, picking Emily up from the cot, cuddling her, the love she feels for her but wishing she would settle and sleep. Walking out to the lounge room, smiling at Matt, what just happened between them, she has no idea "I have to feed her and get her settled" getting up off the lounge walking over to her, pushing her hair away from her face nibbling on her ears whispering "want me to go", trying to get her breathing under control, nodding "I'm not going to…" looking at her in the eyes "not going to what?" her eyes darting around "you know I'm not …" smiling at her uneasiness, he never thought her to lack confidence but watching her now, she has a vulnerability about her that she must hide. Not moving away from her face his lips so close to her face wanting her to say it his voice almost a whisper "not ready for what", seeing her face him, her face close to hers her voice more confident staring at him in the eyes "have sex with you". Smiling at her, now back to her confident almost arrogant now "you think that is what this is about?" holding his gaze "Isn't it, isn't that why you came over" shaking his head, he didn't come over for that, he had no idea, he had been at the pub had a few to drink, and needed to see her "No….. I really do like you Kerry and I'm not going to push you into anything, I just…. Had to see you" Looking up at Matt slightly confused, Emily still in her arms starting to cry again , rubbing her hand across her face "I do have to feed her", nodding at Kerry, walking over to her kissing her on top of the head, walking out the door, it was fun and unexpected, watching Kerry walk to the bedroom part of him wants to stay a lot of him does, he wants to kiss her again, shit he wants to have sex with her. Walking out of the apartment, he hasn't let anyone get to him not since, well not for years, yet here the superintendent arrives, and his brain turns to mush.

Feeding her daughter thinking about what happened, despite it all, she likes Matt, she doesn't agree with work place relationships would it work out, at the moment she has another month off work, could it work out, supporting her daughter, as she gets her phone, trying to text and feed at once.

Hearing her phone remain silent, putting Emily back to bed, walking over and getting a glass of wine, putting it on the table as she hears a knock on the door looking up into Matt's eyes "what took you so long" as she leans down whispering "I had to walk back here, I left my car at the pub and walked here" leaning closer to her his lips a centermetre apart "are you sure" nodding as she reaches for his hand walking to her bedroom, moving closer to her, undoing her clothes looking into her eyes "no turning back" shaking her head her answer is kissing him, as they move over to the bed, as Matt gets a condom from his wallet.

….

Arriving home from work, the day long, his mood terrible, all he wanted was to be with Shannon to try to sort this mess out, he never meant for any of this to happen or to hurt her, he wanted her to understand, seeing Shannon there "Your still there that's a good sign, can we just forget it and try to move on" Not even looking at Lawson "you'd love me to just conveniently forget it that is ever happened." Walking over to her "I know your pissed off at me and I hurt you badly" interrupting him yelling "don't tell me how I feel"

Feeling defeated "Shannon can we just talk about this" shaking her head "no we can't" before walking into the bedroom, and coming out with a backpack "Shan, please can't we talk about it, try to work something out, yell at me, get it all off your chest". Picking up her backpack "I need some time and space Lawson". Looking at Shannon "where are you going and how long?", turning to look at Lawson at the door "Just for a night or two" before closing the door behind her.

Hearing a knock on her door, Stella opens it up in surprise to see Shannon there, her eyes red from crying "can I come in Stel", nodding and opening the door "Shan, what are you doing here?" shaking her head, trying to stop the tears forming from her eyes "I don't know what to do Stel". Seeing her friend trying not to cry, she walks over "Shan talk to me, what's going on?", her voice coming out with sobs "You know how Kerry was pregnant, Lawson's the father", looking up at Stella expecting to see shock in her eyes, she is surprised when Stella doesn't even react "You knew Stella, you knew Kerry was expecting Lawson's baby why didn't you tell me", hurrying over to her friend "I didn't know, I suspected that might be the case, it was just Kerry left TR suddenly, moved away no contact and turns up pregnant, I wondered if the father was someone she didn't want to find out, I hoped I was wrong, that's why I didn't say anything, as it was just a guess", looking at Stella, she wanted to yell at her for not telling her, but for what, for a hunch, "a pretty good guess Stel, why didn't I"…" putting her arm around her friend "You never had a reason to think or suspect that."

Walking over to the lounge with a bottle of wine, Stella looks at Shannon, she hoped what she thought wasn't true that Kerry was better than that, but deep down, she knew there was something between them for ages.

Looking at Stella as she sits next to Shannon "do you think I'm over reacting, shaking her head at Shan "no your husband slept with someone else… ok you weren't married but you were engaged"

Shannon looks out into thin air, deep in thought "I thought I was so lucky marrying Lawson, I trusted him so much, I thought he was special" then looking at Stella "what hurts the most is he did it with Kerry, our boss, that hurts more than anything, that Kerry actually slept with Lawson"

Looking at her friend part of her wanting to wring Lawson's neck but knowing the history between her bosses "I think deep down somewhere he still is that guy, there is just something there about those two, I don't know what it is but they have some connection"

Not even looking at Stella "I can't stop thinking about it", giving another glass of wine to Shannon "don't go there, it will drive you crazy Shan"

Facing Stella "he was off sleeping with Kerry, whilst I was at my place, wondering what happened, blaming myself. I just thought Lawson was different to most guys but he's not.", sipping a glass of wine, silence between them before continuing "things have now changed"

…

Walking into special operations a couple of days later, Lawson needed to see Shannon, talk to her, he missed her, seeing Shannon walking out, brushing past him "Lawson get out of my way", looking at her the hurt there "Please Shan we need to talk", turning around to face him, her words angry "I trusted you explicably never worrying where your going or where your been, I thought you were better than that and I trusted you again, you were special I guess that's what hurt the much not that you'd done it, that's bloody horrible but I thought you were different not like other men."

Reaching out to touch Shannon seeing her blinking back tears, as she flings his arm off her "I can't stop thinking about it, you were out sleeping with another woman our boss, after our engagement party, whilst I was at home alone, thinking about us, did you even think about us, whilst you were with Kerry?"

Looking at Shannon there wasn't much Lawson could say "I'm sorry Shannon", trying not to cry "I would never hurt you Lawson the way you've hurt me"

Looking around, trying not to look at Shannon the tears forming in her eyes "can we go somewhere, not do this here" shaking her head, her voice loud the hurt showing "what Lawson, let people find out what you did, what you and Kerry did". Feeling her pain, trying to blink back his own tears "Shan, please come home I miss you can we try to sort this out" watching Shannon walk off.

….

Seeing Stella at TR, Lawson walks up to her, seeing the glare in her eye again, not wanting to travel in TR1 "Do you know where Shan is?". Nodding at Lawson "she's fine Lawson" turning away from him "where is she Stel?" not looking at him "If she wanted you to know she would of told you", wanting to grab Stella his voice loud "fuck Stel, she is my wife, where is she?" looking up at Lawson her voice full of disgust "You should of thought of that, before you slept with Kerry and got her pregnant" before walking away.

Opening the door to the apartment, she can't avoid Lawson any longer, they need to talk, she doesn't want to hear his excuses but he is her husband and they can't go on like this.

Walking inside his apartment, he is surprised seeing Shannon sitting on the lounge walking over to sit near her, he sees her move away from him "Shan what are we going to do? We can't go on like this." Looking at Lawson he is right, but how can she "I need to be able to trust you again Lawson and I don't know if I can" hearing those words and looking at her "You can, I don't know how to show you", blinking back tears trying to be strong "That's the problem you can't….. I don't want you seeing Kerry again"

Even though he wondered if Shannon would say that, he still hated hearing those words, something he can't promise shaking his head "I can't do that Shannon, she's the mother of my daughter….." interrupting him "shit Lawson don't you think I know that I'm your wife, have you forgotten that?", not answering her, he knows that but he can't just abandon Kerry or his daughter his thoughts interrupted by her voice "how do you think it is for me, you going up to visit her, how do I know it won't happen again, each time you go up, I will always wonder if anything is going on between you" Shrugging there is no way he can prove it or show it other than telling her "It won't Shan, I promise" shaking her head she can't get the image of them together out of it, she can't believe what he says, she knows their history "I just can't believe you, it isn't good enough, I thought before nothing was, and how wrong I was, there has always been something between you". Listening to what Shannon is saying, he turns to look at her "where does that leave us Shan I can't not see my daughter, what if you come up next time and meet her".

Looking at Lawson, she hated this situation, she wished she could trust Lawson again, but she can't and the fact that he and Kerry had a history was there, she didn't' want to see his daughter, she never wanted to see her or Kerry, the reminder of what happened, shaking her head "I can't Lawson, she's a reminder of what happened between both of you" then her voice angry and bitter "I never want to see Kerry again, what she did is unforgiveable"

Wanting to say something, that it wasn't Kerry's fault, it was both of them, but the look on her face, one word about it, would be all it took, deciding on saying nothing.

Looking at Shannon "We could move to Darwin Shannon, they are looking for Tactical Response and Special Operations people it would be a new start for both of us.". Looking at Lawson was he crazy, her family was here, Kerry was up there "Your joking right?" but looking at is face, she knew he wasn't. "You want us to move away from Melbourne away from friends and family so you can be close to your daughter. Lawson you can, but I won't be coming with you" walking out of the apartment.


	19. Chapter 19

Knocking on Stella's door, she sees Stella open it, showing the bottle of wine, she walks in, sitting on the floor in silence for a while before turning to Stella "I think my marriage is over". Looking at Shannon sympathy on her face "Can't you work it out?", shaking her head "he now wants to move up to Darwin, I can't Stella, I can't do it I can't be that close to Kerry, what if it happens again, I don't even want him to visit his daughter". Sipping her wine Stella glances at Shannon "Why don't you go up with him for a visit?", shrugging "Lawson suggested that, I can't Stella I don't want to meet her, I don't want to see Kerry ever again. Each time I see either of them it will be a constant reminder, I just want both of them out of my life"

Feeling sorry for her friends' situation, she can't blame Shannon, Kerry and Lawson had something every since she arrived in TR, what happened no one knows "It won't happen Shan, you can't deny Lawson seeing his daughter, you don't need to see either of them if you go up with them", shaking her head vehemently "No, I can't do it" then looking down at her hands "I don't know what to do Stel?". Wrapping her arm around her friend drawing her towards her "You need to sort this out Shan, if you don't trust Lawson, what future do you have", looking at Stella "I do trust Lawson, just not around Kerry…..how could she do it Stel, how could she sleep with Lawson knowing we were engaged what sort of person does that?" not letting Stella reply "not once has she apologised or said anything to me". Stella gives a short laugh "since when has Kerry apologised for anything she's done, you should know her by now she never does any wrong."

Shannon her eyes narrowing "I just hope she stays in Darwin" getting up off the floor getting her things "thanks Stel"

Watching Shannon walk out of her apartment, Stella looks around sitting down, she feels sorry for Shannon, but knowing Kerry and Lawson's history she knows Shannon should worry about them, in a way, she wonders if Shannon should just walk away she knows Lawson and there is no way he will walk away from either his daughter or Kerry.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Walking in after his shift the following day, Lawson looks around at the suitcases seeing Shannon carrying one out, not letting him speak "we need space Lawson, I'm moving out, you need to sort out what you want, I can't move to Darwin and I can't deal with you having a daughter".

Trying to hide his shock he should of known this was coming "Shan, can't we talk about this and sort it out" Shaking her head "we have talked Lawson, I just need space, I cant deal with it all".

Nodding his face sad that it has come to this "Shan, I'll leave, stay here", smiling gratefully at Lawson she didn't want to find somewhere.

Walking out of the apartment, Lawson wonders if it would be the last time, how did things come to this, he had hoped he could talk to Shannon try to work things out, but no, instead he now has no where to live.

…

Walking into base a week later, Shannon looks around, as much as she loved special operations, she missed TR, she missed working with Stell, Shannon everyone. Seeing the cars back, she goes towards the locker, hearing a voice call out "Shannon" turning around she sees Leon there, "How you going", nodding wondering what Lawson had told the team, probably not much, she doubt he would tell them about him and Kerry, looking around seeing both cars back "is Lawson still here?", seeing a confused look on Leon's face "Shannon, Lawson's not here, I thought you would of known, he is back in Darwin", seeing Shannon bite her lip, he thought she would of known "I thought he would of told you" blinking back tears in her eyes "how long is he up there for?" shrugging "he left today, a week or so, are you thinking of moving up there?"

Shaking her head, she wants to get out of there, she is feeling sick "I would never move to Darwin, especially not whilst Kerry or Emily is there", looking at Shannon confused before realising before Shannon continued "Lawson can stay with Kerry and his daughter" even with Shannon saying it, Leon's mouth opens he didn't believe what Stella said, no wonder Kerry left, turning around Shannon goes to walk out seeing Christian standing there with his mouth open "what are you staring at?" seeing Stella walk up to her "cmon Shan lets get a drink"

Following Stella outside she runs over to the edge throwing up, wiping her eyes "he didn't even tell me Stel, he was going up there, we have been separated not even a week, how can he do this to me Stel". Looking at her friend the toil it is taking on her, she thought Shannon knew Lawson was going back up there, as she continues "I can't do this anymore, I just can't, I wish I didn't know he was up there, the two of them together?" picking up a shot and sculling it "don't do it to yourself Shan don't torture yourself"

…..

Hearing a knock on the door, Kerry opens it up surprised she thought it could have been Matt finishing early "Lawson, what are you doing here?" shaking his head "I don't know, Shannon left and I just had to see you", seeing her walk inside before turning to look at him "Your crazy" reaching out to touch Kerry's arm "I need to know if there is something between us, I don't think I'm imagining it",

Hearing Lawson say that, she knows it isn't true, despite her growing closer to Matt, there is something between her and Lawson and she wanted to forget he was married forget that she was in love with him, seeing her eyes fixed upon his her voice soft "Your not, I feel it too" seeing him move closer to her as he whispers "what are we going to do?" trying to control her breathing as she whispers "I don't know", feeling Lawson's lips upon her, "are you sure" hearing him whisper "never been surer" as his lips finds her, she wraps her arms around his body.

Feeling Lawson's lips upon hers, conflicting emotions going through her mind, she is seeing someone, she wouldn't call Matt her boyfriend would she it is was only early days, but feeling Lawson's lips upon hers, she has never stopped loving him and wonders if she ever will. He is the father of her baby and nothing will change that. Seeing Lawson looking at her, she responds to his kisses, wrapping her arms around his body pulling him closer to her, feeling their kissing getting hotter and more passionate, as they move towards her bedroom, lying on the bed as they undress each other, feeling Lawson on top of her, their eyes locked, moving her hand over to the drawer opening it, getting out a condom, hoping that Matt didn't realise there was one missing.

Seeing Kerry hand him a condom from the drawer trying not show confusion but also something else, was Kerry in a relationship was she sleeping with someone, he really doubted she just kept them in her bed side table. Moving onto his elbows, looking into her eyes, he has to know. Seeing Lawson move off her, his eyes looking searching hers for answers as she handed him the condom, her tongue moving around the inside of her mouth, before moving around her lips. Could she do it, can she cheat on Matt, is there a future with Lawson she has no idea. Hearing Lawson talk "Are you sure you want to do this Kerry" looking at Lawson she isn't sure she has no idea, getting off him, does she love Matt what does she feel for him, she has no idea she has to sort it out before she can do anything, shaking her head as she gets off the bed, pulling some clothes on but saying nothing, getting off the bed and pulling his pants on, walking over to her "talk to me Kerry" her eyes darting around the bedroom, she wants to make love to Lawson she really did "I can't do it Lawson…Your married", walking over to her touching her arm "I won't be for long, its over between us" looking up at Lawson she does love him, but she can't have him give up his life for her "I can't do it I don't know … its all wrong ….. I'm seeing someone"

Hearing those words come from her mouth, was like a stab in the stomach, he shouldn't be surprised, but he needs to know "Is it serious?" her eyes slightly down "I don't know… it's new we're only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks" hearing a knock on the door, she finishes getting dressed, opening it up she sees Matt standing there seeing him look down at her, feeling his lips upon hers as he draws her towards him, feeling him pull away from him, as he looks over her, turning around she sees him, watch as Lawson walks out of the bedroom seeing the anger and hurt in his eyes as he turns away storming out "Its not what you think, Lawson just turned up tonight I didn't know he was coming" hearing no answer, running out of the apartment after him, looking around, where did he go he could not just vanish damm Lawson why did he just turn up. Walking back inside, glaring at Lawson "Sergeant Watson is your new boyfriend", looking up at him "shit Lawson, why did you just turn up" walking over touching her arm, as she flings it off, trying to get her to look at him "I know you feel something between us too Kerry, even if you are denying it now, you were nearly ready to make love to me " hearing a gasp come from the door, realising the door was open, seeing Matt there.


	20. Chapter 20

Running to the door "Matt wait, please I can explain" shaking his head "there is nothing to explain Kerry we're over" staring up into his eyes, seeing hurt and hatred there with anger touching him as he flings her arm off watching as he walks away, turning to go inside, wiping her eyes, walking away from Lawson, her mind so confused, not even looking at Lawson walking away from him hearing him call out "I'm falling in love with you Kerry" turning to face him "what do you want Lawson?" looking at Kerry despite still being married "I think I want you" shaking her head at Lawson her mind confused "why are you saying this now Lawson, it's too late … I was in a relationship, I'd never stop you seeing Emily, spending time with her" walking over to her, touching her face "that's not what this is about, it's you I want Kerry, there is something between us, you can't deny that. Give us a go" looking at her, she is saying nothing, watching as she walks into her bedroom, lying on the bed her eyes staring at the ceiling her mind going overdrive, why now she never believed she could have Lawson, not thinking she was good enough, despite loving him, and now here he was declaring his love for her, was it too late, was it really what she wanted. Hearing the cries that come each night as they get louder and louder, rubbing her hand through her hair, why can't she just sleep, getting up off the bed, walking into the room, seeing Lawson picking her up, smiling at him as she walks over to him, looking at him holding his daughter, there is something that draws her to him there is no denying that, something that is there, maybe Lawson was right, there had always been something between them, but could she give them a go, can she take the risk, is she good enough for him.

Watching Kerry look at him "what are you thinking, talk to me Kerry" her eyes darting around the room before resting on him "I'm not the one for you, You need someone else Lawson, someone younger, someone sensible, someone to give you more kids that person isn't me", walking over to Kerry reaching out and touching her cheek "I want you Kerry … someone sensible? Sensible Kerry? What is this about" looking at Lawson her face slightly sad "There's too much history between us, your married" then looking down "I don't think it would work", wanting to scream at her, as confident as Kerry was, there was one part of her life she was vulnerable in one she protects herself from "I won't be married for long, it isn't working out between Shan and I, you and Emily are the ones I want to be with". Looking at him in the eyes telling him again "I'd never stop you seeing Emily, Lawson ….. I don't want any more kids, shit Lawson I didn't want Emily I'm too old for this crap" shaking his head trying to maintain her gaze tilting his head "have you told Matt that, does he know you want no more kids?" rubbing her hands across her face tilting her head slightly to the side "I need time Lawson, I need to think this is all screwed and turned to shit" watching her as she walks out of the room.

…

Seeing Matt standing on the esplanade the following day Kerry walks up to him, surprised that he was meeting her. Reaching out to touch him as he flinches away "I don't' want to hear any excuses Kerry, how long has Lawson been up here for" looking at Matt in the eyes "He arrived last night" then shrugging "I didn't even know he was coming, he just turned up" no smile on his face "what does he want" her eyes looking around before resting on Matt her tongue moving around her lips her voice soft "Me"

Hearing Kerry say that, he suspected as much, did he want to know the answer, he had calmed down enough to meet her this morning, he had to work with her he had to trust her "do you want to be with him" starting to walk slightly away she doesn't answer straight away, she had no idea what she wanted, she had loved Lawson for as long as she knew him, but then Matt came along Lawson was married, yes he found out, there had always been something between them, looking at him "I don't know… I really like you Matt you're a great guy" interrupting him "but I'm not Lawson" a sad smile on her face her tongue rubbing the outside of her lip "I just don't know…. I've enjoyed the last two weeks together… the sex has been amazing….. I just need time to think" reaching out and touching Kerry's face "Promise me one thing Kerry…. Let me know what you have decided before you start anything with Lawson" looking into Matt's eyes she nods she did really like him, watching as he leans down towards her, their lips meeting in a lingering kiss, before moving away, looking at Matt "Do you really think we would work out when I'm back in two weeks time" looking her in the eyes "yes …. I want to be with you Kerry" giving him a half smile "What if I leave Darwin to go back to Melbourne, would you come with me … Lawson is the father of Emily, I'm not saying I am, but it is a possibility" looking at Kerry the thought of that had occurred to him would he leave Darwin for someone he loved, did he love Kerry, what did they have "I'd go where you go if it made you happy" looking at him, more confused than ever "you are one great guy Sergeant Watson, any person should be lucky to go out with you" before walking away.

….

Sitting on the couch that evening, feeding Emily, with Lawson next to her, looking at him, she leans against him feeling Lawson's face against her head, her feelings confused, having Lawson staying, he is the father and she had had feelings for him for so long, feeling his hand stroking her face, handing her to Lawson. Getting up to get them a drink staring at him on the couch stroking Emily, his love for her evident, walking back over putting the coffee on the table, Walking back to the lounge after putting his daughter down, sitting next to Kerry, looking at her tired she is, pulling her towards him kissing her on top of the head, not pushing her. Feeling Lawson stroke her hair before moving down her face, looking up at him, she does have feelings for him, always had, Emily was a result of that, even if they were both drunk.

Seeing Kerry staring at him, holding her gaze, leaning down towards her his mouth inches from hers, their heart beating faster, moving his mouth towards her, feeling her respond to his kisses, wrapping his arm around hers pulling her towards him.

Feeling Lawson's lips upon hers, it feels natural moving away from the lounge towards the bedroom. As their kissing intensifies this is what she wants, she needs to tell Matt, but all thoughts other than Lawson leaving her mind. Feeling Lawson on top of her, staring into his eyes, she pulls his face down to hers kissing him as they make love.

Getting out of bed the following a few hours later walking over to the window, she feels Lawson's arms around her pulling her around to face him shaking her head pulling away from him

Feeling slightly confused, he thought this time was different both of them wanting it, that she had sorted it out,

Reaching out and touching her arm "Kerry, I thought you wanted it, I…." looking up at him "I do…..but" pulling her towards him "I am falling in love with you Kerry, there is something between us, you said it, lets see what happens, see if we can build on what we have?" looking at him his eyes fixated on hers "what do we have Lawson?" smiling at her "I don't know but there is something there and I don't know what will happen between us, I want to find out."

Her eyes slightly down she did want him, he was the father, but would it work out "My own life is so fucked up" giving a short laugh "Mines not?" Looking up at him, she had loved him for so long but "Your married Lawson, you need to try to give it a go, maybe you can work things out"

Reaching out and touching her arms "Its over Kerry, I want to be with you and Em, I need a new start, if it doesn't work out, its not the end of the world,"

Feeling Lawson stroking her face she turns to face him, she had made up her mind "I do want to be with you but…." Silencing her as his lips find hers as they make their way to the bed

Waking up the following morning Lawson strokes Kerry's head "there's no turning back now" smiling at Lawson, still unsure, even though the previous night was anything to go by, she knew exactly how Lawson felt, feeling Kerry's body next to his, no going back now, his marriage well and truly over, yes he came up to see her, and somehow ended up sleeping with her, this time different though both sober remembering each touch, feeling a moan next to him, he rolls over to face Kerry, smiling as she opens her eyes, leaning in to kiss her as he wraps his arms around her body drawing her towards him, as his lips find hers, as he makes love to her again.

…

Walking into the bar, Kerry sees Matt sitting there. Looking up Matt sees Kerry walking in the bar, trying to smile at her, he has a feeling that she is going to Lawson he does love her, that he has realised but Kerry has a bond with Lawson that he doesn't and he is the father of her child. Looking at Matt trying to smile at him "I'm sorry Matt…." Looking at Kerry "Your with Lawson" nodding "I need to give it a go, he's the father." Interrupting him "that's not a reason to be in a relationship" then looking at Kerry and the slight glow on her face "you love him though" smiling sadly at him "I'm sorry Matt, you are a great guy, I didn't think this would happen" getting up and leaning down kissing him briefly on the lips "I'll see you at work in a couple of weeks."

…..

Leaning on her elbow on the bed, Kerry looks at Lawson, man she had loved him for so long, he was going back to Melbourne tomorrow "I'm going to get a transfer up here?", raising her eyes at him she would love him up here but before they went any further, "You need to be sure of this", looking at Kerry wanting to kiss her "I am, I want to be close to you and Emily" it is something she wanted too but what if things didn't work out "things mightn't work out between us Lawson", reaching out and stroking her chin "I still have a daughter Kerry, I want to get to know" nodding her voice serious "I don't want anymore kids Lawson, if you do, you need to be with someone else." What was she to say she didn't really wanted to be pregnant with Emily, looking at Kerry, he is aware that she wouldn't want more kids in a way he is surprised she had Stephanie moving his mouth close to her "that's fine, I have a beautiful daughter and with her beautiful mother." as his mouth moves down and finds hers.

…

Arriving back in Melbourne Lawson goes to the apartment taking a deep breath as he knocks on the door, he needs to talk to Shannon, tell her the marriage is over, their was no surprise there for either of them. Hearing the door open, he finds a bag thrown at him, opening the door up, he sees Shannon standing there glaring at him "have a nice trip to Darwin, I don't want you living here anymore, our marriage is a joke", looking at her, the hurt in her eyes, he should of told her, but he didn't "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was going up, it was a last minute thing". Walking over closer to her "Shan, I'm moving up to Darwin", trying to hide the shock hurt she is feeling, she shouldn't be surprised but she is, part of her was hoping maybe they would work things out, yes she needed space but didn't he realise how much he hurt her "to be with Kerry?", looking at Shannon he needs to be honest he can't not be, he needs to be upfront "Yes and Emily" her eyes showing no emotion as they bore through him "did you have sex with her?" looking straight at her, answering straight away "yes" needing to know "was it just the once" looking at Shannon what is with the questions, wasn't it enough that he had sex with Kerry, what did it matter how often, hearing Lawson say nothing, she knows the answer "how often" looking at Shannon he can't answer the question without hurting her more than he already is. Hearing the silence is all she needs, before finally hearing him speak "it doesn't matter" it hurt more than she thought possible, he wants to pull her towards him, hearing her voice "are you in love with her?" looking at Shannon all the questions he feels he has to answer but not wanting too, he shrugs "I don't know Shannon…" blinking back the tears "was I only second best, did you even love me", looking at Shannon's face "of course I did Shannon, I wished things hadn't turned out like this, but it has, I never meant to hurt you, it just happened" her voice full of hatred and venom "so that is why you went up to Darwin and slept with her yet again, it didn't just happen, YOU made it happen" seeing Lawson move towards her, she doesn't want him to touch her, she doesn't want him near her trying to stop the tears that are threatening to pour down her face "don't Lawson, don't touch me" then turning around to look at him "you married me, isn't that supposed to mean something" looking at Shannon how he wished it hadn't turned out like this "Of course it did, I've tried Shannon we both have before, we just can't get past" glaring at Lawson "not hard enough…." looking at Shannon, "I've tried to make this up to you and better , you weren't willing to try to make it work, you moved out" Her voice rising "don't you dare blame this on me, you had sex with Kerry" not able to look at Lawson, facing Shannon, his voice loud "it was a fuck Shannon, I've said I'm sorry … it wasn't such a big deal it was nothing" turning to face Shannon her face full of anger "you fucking got her pregnant Lawson, and you fucked her how many times whilst you were in Darwin then" knowing his marriage was now in tatters beyond repair anyway "Lost count, but wish it was more" closing his eyes wishing he said nothing, seeing the tears form in Shannon's eyes as she faces him her voice hard "I want you out of here before I get back and never want to see you again, we're over Lawson" as she races out of the apartment as the tears start to fall, leaning against the wall for support blinking back the tears as she continues, she never thought it would come to this, that he would be so hurtful.


	21. Chapter 21

Walking into the bar a short time later, it doesn't take Stella long to see Shannon, throwing back the shots, walking over to a table, she sees the redness in Shannon's face as she blurts out "Lawson's moving to Darwin" looking at her friend "Move with him Shan, you still love him, see how it goes" blinking back the tears, still remembering that one word that Lawson replied to "he's moving to be with Kerry" looking at Shannon shaking her head "He just wants to be near his daughter Shan, wait until the two of you have kids" seeing Shannon's eyes fill with tears, there is more to it "He wants to be with Kerry…he he" swallowing back the sobs that threaten to com "he had sex with her whilst he was up there" seeing the disbelief on Stella's face before continuing "it wasn't just once either… it was awful Stel, I've never see Lawson like it before" her voice bitter as she continues "my marriage is over, my husband doesn't even tell me then he is sleeping with my ex boss" before tossing down more shots her eyes red looking at Stella "he should of fought for me and my marriage, I was even thinking of going to marriage counselling to see if we could work things out and get back together", looking at Shannon part of her in shock she thought they might have been able to work it out, but deep down she did wonder about Lawson wanting to be with his kid picking up a shot looking at Shannon "he cheated on you Shan, do you really want him back when he's done that" the look on her friends face said it all. Looking around the pub before looking back at Stella the sad thing was she would of taken him back and forgiven him eventually, she thought he would of fought for her and not give in to Kerry, looking up at Stella "what about you and Charlie" giving a short laugh "it's a sadder state than you and Lawson… he's addicted to the job, even over sex" raising her eyes at Stella "that's bad…. I thought you and him were over" smiling at her friend "don't you know I'm irresistible Shan, Charlie still wants me, I just don't give him what he wants all the time, he needs to realise I come before his fucking job" shaking her head at Stella, if only that was her and Lawson's problem.

…

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

Hearing her phone ring, her face turns ashen, "I'll be there shortly", dropping Emily off she drives out there, the siren on her car, the drive taking forever, they have to find him, her chest tightening at the thought of never seeing him again of something happening to him, they have to find him. Getting out of the car she races over to the team and other police officers there "any sign of him" shaking their head, she sees Sean walk up to her turning to face him "what on earth happened, why was he in the water in the first place, you know protocol" turning to face Kerry "maybe you should ask yourself that Kerry, ask yourself what he had to prove" seeing her glare at him her face angry "what happened?" looking at the water and not Kerry "it all happened so quickly, we were looking out for crocodiles" looking out over the river then back at Sean her voice firm and trying to control the worry and anger "shit Sean, why was he in the water in the first place, you all know the dangers up here more than anyone." Glancing at Kerry, he knew that Matt was seeing her until recently, despite Matt not wanting anyone to know, he opened up drunk a couple of weeks ago, watching her now, he wondered if she was over him or just kidding herself. Hearing an officer yell out, as he and Kerry hurry down, looking at what he is holding up, trying to stop the worry on her face, and the scaredness she is feeling, seeing the colour drain from Sean's face to as he nods "yes that looks like Matt's shoe"

Looking out over the river, was she to blame, no Matt knew the dangers, he knew he shouldn't hop in any river up here, with or without someone looking out crocodiles they were unpredictable and killers, even she knew that the short time she had been up there. Dam Matt, where is he, how could he survive there is no way he could escape.

Walking back to the car, sitting down, putting her head on the steering wheel watching as the daylight fades, she knows they will have to stop soon, too dangerous without any light the thought of Matt out there by himself blinking back tears, she can't let anyone see them forming, she can't lose another team member. Hearing a cry she hurries out of the car, down to the banks, looking up the surprise on her face as she hears Sean call out "we need an ambulance now". Hurrying down to the bank, the relief on her face as she looks at Sean, seeing him give her a half smile he has to be alive, watching as the ambulance officers bring up the stretcher, leaning down she sees Matt lying there, his eyes closed, looking up at the officers "he is critical we'll be going to the closest airstrip and be flying him to Darwin" nodding and walking back to Sean "I'll need a report by morning and you'll need to be debriefed too", walking back to her car, sitting at the wheel shaking, the thought of still losing Matt was too much to think about.

Arriving at the hospital later, she had found a babysitter to look after Emily, walking down the corridor after speaking to the doctor, how many times had she done that, bearing bad news, looking at the team sitting there, seeing them look up at here "he's out of surgery, he's in intensive care, they have managed to stop the bleeding, but there is internal injuries, he has been crushed" shaking her head looking down before up at her team "obviously it's not good, um none of it is, all we can do now is wait" seeing Mandy look up at her "can we see him" shrugging at her "I don't know, he probably has to go back to theatre soon. Go home and sleep or do whatever you need to, tomorrow will be a long and shitty day, reports to be done, 2 pm there will be debriefing" watching them leave, sitting on a chair, putting her head in her hands as she starts to cry. Turning back, Sean looks at Kerry sitting in the chair, her head in her hands, wondering if she did still like Matt, feeling Mandy's hand pulling her away, part of him wants to go over and see if she is ok, turning to Mandy 'I'll be with you shortly", walking back down the corridor sitting next to Kerry, she sees him glancing at him, trying to hide her red eyes "I'm fine, just go home" wanting to reach out and touch him "he's going to be ok" looking up at Sean, blinking back any of the tears that are threatening to come, hating the fact that anyone saw her like that "he better be, what the fuck where any of you thinking, letting him go into the infested waters" looking at Kerry raising his eyes at her trying to stop a smile from forming, he does wonder how Matt got her to go out with him she didn't come across as someone who would go out with a team member he never really got to know her, she was his boss and he left it at that, her feistiness, speaking her mind were somehow part of her appeal though and she was pretty hot and attractive in a way both of them lucky, his voice soft and quiet "he wasn't thinking Kerry, he's been fucked up the past few weeks, I think you know why" biting his lips but continuing on "He loves you Kerry, you're the first person he has let himself become close to in a long time, ever since….." shaking his head not wanting to go there "you hurt him a lot" seeing Kerry's glare upon him her eyes looking around "I know you didn't mean to, and Emily deserves to have her father around….. just don't blame Matt for this or yourself or anyone, it was some stupid incident, yeah it shouldn't of happened but it did and now Matt needs us all to be there for him" looking up at Sean her tongue moving over her lips hating the fact that Sean has seen her vulnerable, her failings as a leader again crossing her mind, not wanting to hear really what Sean said and how much did he know, about her and Matt, she wasn't at fault she never was really, the fact that she had hurt someone she cared about and that Lawson wasn't there to take care of their daughter, she had no one tightening up her jacket looking down at the floor still "I'll see you tomorrow" then looking at him "Sean, just go home, or do what ever you do" her eyes looking back down on the ground now, walking away from Kerry he turns around seeing her stand up walking away, one tough TR leader, no doubt getting where she is now because of it. Walking towards Matt's room, she never meant to hurt him, people broke up fact of life, still no reason to do what he did. Shit, why did it hurt her so much.

Walking into his room at the intensive care seeing the tubes hanging off him leaning down, kissing him on the cheek, watching as the tubes breath for him, the tears falling down her face before wiping them away, standing at the door looking into the intensive car room, Amanda stares at Kerry there, she had heard the rumours about them or guessed ages ago that Matt liked her, but she thought it was one sided, she never thought Kerry would go there actually she had no idea what Matt saw in her she was older than him, and despite even Sean joking she was hot, she didn't or wouldn't see it, watching Kerry now she wondered if Kerry did have feelings for Matt or if they were indeed going out, seeing Kerry look up at her, trying to hide the fact she was crying "this is all your fault" pushing past Mandy she whispers "I'm sorry"

Walking into the base, late at night, she hadn't been there in months, looking around walking to her cubicle it was neater than she thought even though there was papers around, taking out the bottle she has there, pouring herself drink after drink, opening the door of the drawer trying to find more, she picks up a photo, one of the few of the two of them together as they were joking around one night along with another one of her and Emily, the tears pouring down her face.

Walking out of the bar hours later, stumbling towards the taxi rank, she hadn't gotten drunk in months, not since she found out she was pregnant.

Looking up hearing footsteps walking down the corridor Sean sees Kerry walking down her face withdrawn and tired, sunglasses on her eyes, seeing her lift the glasses off, saying nothing obvious to him where she had spent the night, seeing Sean look at her as she takes her sunnies off "what" shaking his head at her "nothing" , not game enough to say anything but not one to see anyone in high position turn up the worse for wear turning away as the doctor walks to them they all look up "how is he", looking at the team "he's out of theatre and back in intensive care", the youngest team member looking at the doctor "that's good then, right" seeing the doctor look at him "no one is giving up hope yet" seeing Mandy look at the doctor "can we see him?" nodding "one at a time"

Seeing Mandy walk towards the room Kerry calls out walking up to her "Mandy you need to make it quick and get back to base, your needed there", glaring at Kerry her dislike of her boss evident "how can you expect me to work when Matt is lying in there" looking at Mandy and sighing not in the mood to deal with her "we all need to work Mandy, there will be debriefing later, but until then you need to get back to base" glaring at Kerry, how can she expect her to get back there "this is your fault" sighing raising her eyes at Mandy "this is no one's fault, Matt didn't follow protocol, this is what happened" looking at Kerry her eyes narrowed "why don't you ask yourself why he didn't, it's no secret that you two were fucking, then some guy from Melbourne comes down and you give Matt the flick to fuck him" walking up close to Mandy her tone warning "keep your voice down, my business is my business Mandy, it doesn't change the fact that Matt went into a crocodile infested water" seeing the glare her voice softer "does Sean know about your infatuation with Matt."

Walking into intensive care later that afternoon, the tubes beeping and hanging off him hearing the alarm go off the tubes beeping looking up at the machines, as the nurses run in "we need to clear the room" her mouth open as she watches as they shock him calling out "no" putting her hand to her head rubbing it down the back not able to watch for a moment, she turns to see Sean standing next to her, pulling her towards him not realising she is crying as they try to shock him to get a heartbeat pulling away from him she turns to face the room pacing around.

Looking up as the doctor comes out of the room "we have stabilised him, he will need to go to theatre again"

In the waiting room, Kerry's head in her hand, as the doctor walks in "we have managed to stop the bleeding, we've had to remove his spleen" Kerry's face blank as she listens to the doctors trying to stop her face from crumbling.

Walking out of the hospital later that day, Sean stops seeing Kerry walk into Matt's room, looking up at her "Your still in love with him" staring up at Sean, her face blank her eyes red about to turn away she hears Sean's voice "You can let your feelings show instead of trying to be a hard nut all of the time, no one will think any less of you" ignoring him, turning away walking inside the room leaning down "Matt…..I'm so sorry Matt, I never meant to hurt you or anything, I need you.." sitting down on the chair staring at Matt, did she still have feelings for him, looking up as the doctor walks in "his ribs were crushed his injuries are severe, we don't know if he will make it" looking at the doctor her face blank "thanks" before breaking down "shit" and looking back at Matt.

Sitting on the chair looking at Matt, did she still love him, did she want to be with him, was it too late now putting her head in her hands the one thing she knew is he had to pull through.

Walking into the hospital the next day, having to take Emily with her, walking into Matt's room, sitting on the chair, hearing the machines beep, looking up as the nurses run in "what's happening?" getting up off the chair, seeing the nurses smile "he is trying to breathe on his own, he is fighting the machine" seeing the worry on Kerry's face "it is good news" smiling in relief, before getting out her phone.

Leaning against the chair relief flooding through her, stroking his hand talking to him, looking at him lying there, seeing his eyes open looking around the room "I feel like a crocodile has crushed me" smiling at him wanting to strangle him "what on earth possessed you to get in the river" looking up at Kerry trying to smile "so you were worried about me?" looking at him in the eyes before raising her eyes "you're an idiot you know" looking at Kerry, the worry on her face despite everything she was the person he wanted to see, seeing him staring at her, leaning down she kisses him gently on the lips before walking out of the room.

Looking up seeing Sean walking in "you gave us a scare mate" smiling at him "it all happened so fast" sitting on a chair next to him looking straight at Matt "you do know Kerry has hardly left your side" looking up at Sean in surprise, no it meant nothing she was just his boss now, why did she lean down and kiss him, no he isn't going there again, he isn't going to be hurt again, she is with Lawson she made that clear to him, but listening to Sean was their hope for them if the big grin on Sean's face was anything to go by maybe there was hope but did he want to think about it shaking his head at his friend "she probably thought she had to, or had nothing better to do" looking at Matt Sean laughs, one thing he is sure of that Matt still loves their boss "you both as stubborn as each other, Matt she is still in love with you, do something about it before it is too late this time, I think I know why you want her and your crazy, but fight for her she is worth it and you'll regret it if you don't. don't let her get away Matt she is a great person" looking up at Sean in surprise "you've changed your mind about her and us" nodding at Matt "Yeah, I hope you know what you're doing I think you do, if she wasn't our boss and I was older…. She's hot Matt" laughing at Sean "I wouldn't let Mandy hear you say that"

A WEEK LATER

Seeing Matt sitting up in the bed, as Kerry walks in after work, taking Emily in some days others, getting someone to look after her, looking at Kerry a grin on his face, every day she had come in seeing him "the doctor said I can leave soon, another couple of days" nodding and relief that he is getting better her feelings now clearer "You'll be off work for a while" looking at Kerry was there anything in what Sean told him her eyes fixed on him piercing through him nearly "Looks like months maybe of rehab, the leg is pretty bad, they don't know if or when I could back to active services" looking at Matt and hearing him talk the thought of him not doing what he loved, how would he cope with it all hearing him continue "Maybe you could get Lawson up here earlier to take over, you will need another Sergeant" seeing Kerry avoiding looking at him, her eyes darting around, could he hope, was there any truth in it shaking his head, no she isn't even looking at him avoiding it was obvious.

Hearing Matt say that, did she want Lawson up here, nearly loosing Matt, made her realise something, sitting on the chair looking at Matt her tongue moving around her mouth fidgeting with her fingers "I don't know if he will be coming up" looking up at Kerry confused and with some hope, or is it she is leaving to go back to Melbourne after all of this "I don't understand what you mean, what are you saying Kerry, are you going back to Melbourne?" her eyes looking around before looking back at him as she shakes her head "Matt, you're the one I want to be with"


	22. Chapter 22

Looking at Kerry did he hear her right, it is what he hoped, but after everything, could he take her back, knowing also she had slept with Lawson no doubt when he was up here, she left him for Lawson and was waiting for him to come up to be with her, he didn't want to be hurt again he had opened up his heart to Kerry started to fall in love with her even, yes they hadn't been going out for long but he had fallen for her and deeply. Could he risk it all again, she had a child with Lawson, all he had to do was see the two of them together, but looking up at her, her head tilted to the side her blue eyes looking at him, her elbow leaning on the edge of the chair, the smile and tilt he was gone, he did want her, wanted to be with her but he didn't want to be a burden on her.

Looking at Kerry trying to hide how he feels and the hope he feels "what does that mean" shrugging and shaking her head her eyes going side to side "I don't know …" then looking up at him "I think I want to be with you", hearing those words his heart sores there was one word think looking at Kerry "you think?" seeing a smile on her face her blue eyes gazing intently into his he is lost with her looking at him like that but still cautious he needs to know "what about Lawson" looking at Matt before her lowering her eyes slightly, what about Lawson she needed to talk to him "Lawson will always be Emily's father, but I can't" looking up at him "the thought of losing you, never seeing you again, made me realise that I want you in my life" reaching out for her hand despite everything he still wants Kerry still wants to be with her "you need to be certain what you want Kerry. I want to be with you but… look at me Kerry, I have a bunged leg, I don't know when I will be able to work again, if I can ever be in the police force, I don't want you feeling sorry for me or doing this out of pity." Rolling her eyes at him then raising her eyebrows at him "I'm not going to take care of you, shit half the time I can't take care of myself or Emily, I'm not doing this out of pity, shit Matt, what do you want me to say" Looking into her eyes a smile on his face, he doubted Kerry would do anything she didn't want to do including going out with someone out of guilt "you need to be sure what you want, this is it you need to make up her mind". Looking at Matt, she had been with someone out of guilt, Boyd she was never going there again apologising all the time, the guilt she lived with that she killed someone, but looking at Matt this was different this wasn't her fault, not that the other was but she did want Matt she was sure of that now, leaning down towards him, he feels her lips upon his, her kiss hard at first then lingering and more intense, making him hunger for more of her. Seeing her blue eyes looking at him her eyes slightly open, yep that answered his question he had wanted to feel her lips upon his again " Have you told Lawson?"

Shaking her head and biting her lip no she hadn't, it is something she needs to do but until the past few days, she had no idea how she felt or anything, "not yet, I haven't spoken to him for a while" seeing Matt looking at her trying to hide the surprise on his face "You need to tell Lawson before anything can happen" looking up into her blue eyes his voice soft "then I'm all yours"

….

Walking into the apartment, turning on Skype It isn't long before she sees Lawson's face, staring at him slightly confused, hearing his voice "how are you coping with it all" giving him a half smile, she had loved him for so long, part of her will always love him, despite what happened between them, did she want him or Matt, being with Matt it was easy but now with Lawson's face in front of her, it wasn't anymore, there would always be something between them, could she just give it all up.

Looking at Kerry, she looked tired and exhausted, "I could come up earlier if you want" seeing her shake her head a sadness in her eyes "stay in Melbourne" then taking a deep breath "I don't think you should come up Lawson" seeing Kerry look away before sitting down looking at him, he wondered when he first heard about Matt missing and her not answering his calls the past few nights if something had happened "so that's why haven't been returning my calls, what's going on Kerry", her tongue moving around the inside of her mouth she hated intimate conversations "Lawson don't, lets not….." wanting Kerry to look at him "come on, I deserve some answers", looking up at Lawson briefly seeing the confusion in his eyes part of her still wanted him "I don't know… I don't know" shaking his head at Kerry, he wants answers he knew her too well "is it Matt?" seeing her eyes looking down towards the floor before looking back at the computer screen her tongue moving around her mouth "Matt needs me" looking at Kerry, what about him he didn't need her he just wanted her, no he did need her, his marriage in tatters, Shannon not speaking to him but wanting to come back to Tactical Response making it worse. Instead he nods at her "where does that leave us" shrugging at him, hoping he can see her "I don't know Lawson I really don't". The toll of the past couple of months catching up with him "when you do know let me know… I still want to see our daughter" sighing at Lawson "you can see her whenever you want" snapping at her

"bloody hard when your in Darwin" biting her lips her tiredness catching up snapping back "Just come up and get her then Lawson, I don't have time for this" seeing the hurt in Lawson's eyes, she can't do it "Oh... I am so bad at this. I'm just... I'm sorry" controlling his voice towards her "that makes two of us" not able to talk to him anymore, hating the way it has turned out, her voice soft "I'm sorry" before hanging up.

Staring at the blank screen what just happened did Kerry just break up with him or was it just an argument, calling her back on her mobile, hearing it go to message bank, dam her, tossing the phone across the room.

…..

Walking into the locker room at the end of the shift, Stella looks at Lawson "what's up your arse today?" slamming his locker shut, wanting to hop on a plane up to Darwin, needing to sort this shit out, would she see him. Hearing Stella talk but hearing nothing he sees her looking at her "when are you going up to Darwin?" staring at the wall, good question never, he now has no idea "not sure yet" laughing at Lawson's glare at her "TR won't be the same without you and Kerry there. You know I might even miss you" storming out of the room stopping at the door "you haven't got rid of me yet Stel". Watching him storm out, Stella raises her eyes at Christian, something going on there, and she bets it is to do with Kerry.

….

Knocking on the door a week later, looking around, it feels weird coming back to Melbourne but she needs to sort this out, before she can move on, the thought of facing Lawson again scares her, can she be strong, she knows Matt was wondering about what would happen, but she needs to do it, she can't do it all over the phone.

Opening the door the surprise evident on his face, he had been trying to ring her for a few days now, and here she was standing in front of him "Can I come in?" opening the door letting her follow him in, turning around, yep she was here in front of her, holding his daughter turning around she is close as she hands him Emily. Looking around the apartment, her eyes not even looking at Lawson before turning face to face him hearing him speak "what's going on here Kerry , you tell me not to come to Darwin you don't answer or return any of my calls? I deserve some answers" biting her lips her tongue moving around them her eyes looking at the ground "this is hard Lawson" then looking up at him "Just think about our history, my history I'm trouble" raising his eyes at her, moving closer to Kerry wanting to be close to her, whilst holding Emily "What sort of trouble" moving closer to Kerry, his mouth inches from hers, hearing her breathing heavily as he leans over and kisses her briefly before she moves away, looking at Lawson "That kind of trouble, that is exactly the kind I can't take a risk on" still close to Kerry his eyes still fixed on hers his voice soft " no Good, so glad I could clarify that point for you". Moving away from Lawson, shit she does have feelings for him, he is Emily's father and her reasoning the was shit what she said was stupid, despite it all she does love Matt, and wants to be with him "I can't do it Lawson, I can't be with you" looking at Kerry her voice not as confident "why Kerry, what about Emily?" her eyes moving side to side "I don't know …" the her voice stronger " I love Matt, Lawson… I'm sorry but I can't be with you" then looking up at him "we can work something out about Emily. I won't deny you ever seeing your daughter Lawson" seeing Lawson looking at her, the hurt in his eyes "are you going to live in Darwin" raising her eyes at him, "I don't know yet?" then looking at him "I don't know what is going to happen, look at our history Lawson, we wouldn't work out, the job offer in Darwin is still there if you want it" nodding at Kerry did he want to be up there without her handing Emily back to Kerry before standing up walking around then facing her, "I left Shannon for you Kerry gave up my marriage" turning to face Lawson getting up off the seat her face blank "I never asked you to do any of that" the glare in his eyes "no … you had no problems sleeping with me either….. what was I to you Kerry, rent a root" looking at Lawson taking a deep breath, she never asked for any of this she never meant to hurt Lawson, her eyes narrowing "you were the one that came up to Darwin Lawson, the one who cheated on his wife, try to take some responsibility" shaking his head at Kerry "nothing is ever your fault is it Kerry, that's your problem, why don't you take some responsibility" her mouth open, then looking at Emily not going to get into a yelling match "I leave on Wednesday, you can have Emily until then or see her whenever you want" walking over to Lawson handing him Emily, not able to look at Kerry, he hoped when she arrived that she had changed her mind, pausing at the door Kerry looks at Lawson she really hated what was happening, her voice soft she wasn't one to apologise but she was "I'm sorry" hearing the door close all he can do is watch her retreating back, was it really over.

…

Picking up Emily from Lawson's a few days later, standing at the door, her face in a half smile, leaving to go back to Darwin, knowing she would see him again, but it was over she was sure of that. Turning to face Lawson her words simple but true "I'm sorry" looking at Emily but avoiding Kerry "so am I" watching Lawson walk over to her his face sad, handing him Emily "think about the offer in Darwin, nodding at her could he do it, be close to her, watch her and Matt together looking at her face despite her age she was beautiful somethi ng about her when she looked at him, without helping himself, he leans over and kisses her feeling her hand on his face looking up at her face "don't try it again" trying to hide a smile, he walks out to the car with her, thankful in part that he is able to drive them to the airport.

Turning to take Emily out of Lawson's arms "I never thought this would happen Lawson, I thought Matt and I were over, I did love you, part of me still does …. " looking at Kerry "why not give us another chance" shaking her head her voice soft part of her wanting to be with him still her eyes looking slightly around "it's not enough …" her voice firm and looking at Lawson "I'm with Matt now, you need to move on"

Watching Kerry walk down the gangway to board the plane, he can't believe it is over that she choose Matt, that she wanted to be with him, wanting to feel her against him, hopping in the car, driving to the pub, sculling drink after drink, the alcohol numbing his pain, his short lived marriage and now his short lived relationship with the woman he really had loved for so long, seeing someone sitting next to him, smiling at her sculling the drinks together, before leaving the pub and going back to her place.


	23. Chapter 23

Opening the door of her apartment two weeks later, letting Matt walk in, looking at Kerry he had to admit he was worried when she went to Melbourne and wondered if she would go back to Lawson, but knowing she came back to him damm though all she has to do is look at him with those baby blue eyes and he was a goner and the smile on her face, "you don't have to do this" smiling at him she had ignored the gossip going around the base up there, Mandy glaring at her each day, Sean with his knowing grin for a few day "don't expect too much, I can't cook, and work all the time" pulling her towards him, wincing as he wraps his arms around her all he wanted to do was take her to bed but the ribs still sore "I know that" then looking down at her he was more in love with her now than before "are you sure about this" looking up at Matt, she was sure, the trip to Melbourne made up her mind, yes she did like Lawson, but she had to move on and she liked Matt and a lot nodding at him "Yeah I get a free babysitter" laughing at her "not free, I still expect payment" smiling at him kissing him passionately hearing him whisper "that's a start" wrapping his arms around her, looking at her eyes "I love you Kerry" looking back at him answering him with a long hard passionate kiss, …..

**TWO MONTHS LATER **

Putting the last things in the car, there is only one thing left, to drop by the base on the way out of Darwin, looking at Matt, walking out to the car "are you sure about this?" nodding at Kerry, he knows he said he would never leave Darwin, but after Kerry coming back to him, the least he could do is go back to Melbourne with her, the chance of her going back to Lawson there, but he could see what not having him around was doing to her, the arguments between her and Lawson he could hear their phone calls, Kerry avoiding speaking to him even she needed to go back, reaching out and touching her arm "You need to do this, there is a great rehab place at Melbourne, so who knows I might be operational again and sooner" smiling at him, leaning up and kissing him "there is still a job for you at TR, admin if you want it" putting Emily in the car, walking back inside having one last look around, she would miss Darwin, but she's leaving with the most important thing, Matt.

Walking inside the base a short time later, seeing Mandy glare at her, looking up at Matt with puppy dog eyes, shaking her head, seeing Sean walk in followed by the team, the goodbye drinks last night, she left early, so Matt could party on with his team, she knows Sean is more than capable of being in charge of operational with the new Senior Sergeant up here.

Watching them walk out Sean smiles, Matt touching Kerry's arm, seeing her look up at him smiling, he hopes it works out, turning to the team, "lets go". Driving away from the base, Kerry stops, turning to look at Matt "ready to go" smiling at his girlfriend, he nods he never thought he would but yes he is, leaning over to kiss her "I love you Superintendent Vincent" staring at him she leans over to kiss him

…..

Knocking on the door, he wonders if she will close it in his face, waiting finally it is opened, seeing Shannon standing there, the scowl not removed from her face each time he sees her "what do you want Lawson" looking at her if he could take back the hurt he caused he would "can I come in" shaking her head she didn't even want to look at Lawson "no" taking a deep breath he continues "Kerry is coming back to Tactical Response, she will start in about 2 to 3 weeks time". Trying to hide her surprise she didn't want to hear about Kerry the betrayal by her boss still so raw "so your leaving?" shaking his head, he knows what she is thinking "No, we will both be in TR" her face blank again, deep in thought she didn't know what to think "I thought Kerry couldn't have a relationship with any of her team?" biting his lip, knowing the truth would come out anyway "we're not in a relationship Shan" staring at Lawson, hoping the surprise isn't on her face "she dumped you did she, and you come running back here." her voice louder "I don't want you either Lawson" slamming the door in his face. Opening the door again "What did you expect from her Lawson, this is Kerry we're talking about, did you really think she would go out with you, make a commitment, you both got what you deserved" putting his foot against the door preventing it close he hears Shannon yelling "Lawson move your foot" shaking his head he needs to speak to her "I get it your angry Shan and hurt and I'm sorry. If I had found out before we got married Kerry was pregnant.." interrupting Lawson "You never would of married me, go running back to her then" shaking his head a sad smile on his face did he turns her so bitter and full of hatred "no I still would of married you, I loved you Shannon and never wanted things to work out this way … this hatred you have towards Kerry you need to let it go, blame me Shannon but not Kerry. I don't even know who you are anymore" moving his foot, letting the door close. Leaning against the door shaking why did Kerry have to come back but why did it hurt so much still when Lawson came around did she want him to say I want you back, was she still in love with him, did she push him away shaking her head she wasn't at fault here Kerry was and Lawson.

….

Knocking on the door two weeks later, taking a deep breath, never one to admit she is at fault, but the need to say something. Waiting for what seems like forever, the door finally opens seeing the hatred in the eyes, the blank face staring at her, "can I come in?"

Staring at Kerry, trying to hide the surprise, what did she want, hadn't she done enough as it is, why did she have to come back to Melbourne leaving the door open, in a way she wanted to know what she said, would she apologise no this was Kerry here. Following Shannon inside looking around before looking back at her "I'm sorry Shannon", looking at Kerry here face expressionless but slight surprise that she did say that "If that is all, you can go now"

Staring at Shannon her tongue moving around her mouth "I never meant for any of this to happen" Looking at Kerry's face even if she did look sorry it still didn't forgive what she did "what….. fucking my finance or what is it my husband… oh that's right it was both" staring at Shannon her eyes wanting to dart around trying to look at her nodding as Shannon continues "or stealing him". Looking at Shannon in the eyes "I never asked him to come to Darwin" glaring at Kerry and her response "yet here you are, and you still screwed him up there a few times whilst he was still married" trying not to show her surprise shit Lawson what did he tell her "It just happened" looking at Kerry her voice loud and full of anger willing the tears not to come to her eyes "it didn't just happen you let it happen knowing he was engaged then married ….. it still didn't stop you"

Looking at Kerry needing to know "why did you do it, why did you sleep with Lawson knowing he was engaged" looking at Shannon truth was "I don't know….. I don't know what happened, I never planned for any of this to happen" her eyes narrowing at Kerry "You don't know " shaking her head at Kerry "fuck Kerry, you know everything you do….. You never stopped it either… did it bother you he was engaged" looking at Shannon before looking around, the truth was she hated the fact they were engaged but would never intentionally break them up "it just happened Shannon none of it was planned….he screwed me once when we were drunk, it doesn't mean your marriage was over, it was just a mistake" Taking a deep breath not even looking at Kerry before continuing "that I might of forgiven eventually, but you have his baby which you never even told him he was the father…. If you didn't have the baby, the worse thing is I would never have known but then to screw you again that is unforgiveable"

Staring at Shannon, If only she didn't fall pregnant then none of this would of happened, no one would be any the wiser "believe me Shan, I wish I didn't fall pregnant or any of this had happened, not everything is perfectly right or wrong, people make mistakes" looking at Kerry before looking down her feet kicking the carpet before continuing "he never even told me he was going to Darwin, he went up there still married, fucked you so many times. I only found out when he came back and told me, he was moving up there to be with you" then looking up at Kerry "do you enjoy screwing with people lives, is your life so fucked up, here you are back at Melbourne with some other guy, this is my marriage you ruined"

Looking at Shannon the anger and hatred in her eyes, not going to apologise again "I know you're pissed at me" her eyes still on Kerry "You don't know anything… I trusted you, you were my boss, you betrayed me in the worse possible way" then turning around not even looking at Kerry "Get out, just get out" Looking at Shannon, she tried to apologise but she was over Shannon blaming her "you can blame me all you like, but take a look at your marriage and engagement, if it was solid, Lawson wouldn't of cheated on you in the first place" facing Kerry her face red her voice loud screaming at Kerry "you fucking got pregnant Kerry and had Lawson's baby, didn't even think of telling him about it, did you really think he would walk away from his own daughter" hearing Shannon yell the reason she didn't tell Lawson was the fact that Lawson wouldn't walk away, seeing Kerry just standing there her eyes looking at her, realising something "you're not even sorry for any of this or it happened, the only thing you are sorry about is the fact that I found out and you got pregnant" looking at Shannon her mouth slightly open, her tongue moving around her lip, part of what she said is true, in a way she wouldn't change a lot of what happened and she didn't want Lawson to know. Looking at Kerry and her silence seeing Kerry look at her, she didn't need her to answer, she was right, her voice loud and full of anger "I'm right ….. get out get out" slamming the door after her.

Hearing the door closed Shannon leans against the wall, falling to the floor, sitting there with her knees up to her stomach, the tears falling that she had been trying to hide, the hurt the betrayal so strong, despite the initial I'm sorry, she didn't believe Kerry was, the fact still remained that her husband cheated on her, and even left her for Kerry. Her last sentence ringing true,

Hopping in the car, her hands on the steering wheel slightly shaking, she knows Shannon has every right to be mad and angry at her it wasn't like she planned or wanted this to happen, shit she was 47 and with a baby/infant but it wasn't her fault not all of it.

….

Knocking on Shannon's door Stella walks inside, looking around Shannon's normally neat place with things thrown "geez Shan what happened here, doing some rearranging?" giving Stel a small smile "had a visit from Kerry today" seeing Stella raise her eyes "did you know she was back?" looking at Shannon, she had heard a rumour or more "She did this?" seeing a slight smile on Shannon's face "I heard a rumour" seeing Shannon glare at her "you didn't think it was worth mentioning?" picking up a glass and pouring herself a drink "I wasn't sure what happened? …. I thought Lawson told you she was coming back" shaking her head the conversation still raw, even though Lawson had told her, it was different seeing her in person "she isn't even sorry it happened, it's like it's my fault" picking up her glass not even looking at Stella "she is going to regret coming back" her voice filled with anger and hatred "she won't be back In TR for long" looking at her friend worried "Shan you know Kerry will come out in front she always does she's been to ethical standards, she's a superintendent, she knows people, you will be the one out of a job". Glaring at Stella she thought she could confide in her she was meant to be her friend "thanks for the vote of confidence Stel, Kerry isn't as sweet and innocent as everyone thinks"

Looking at Shannon worried she knows she is hurting but seeking revenge on Kerry is wrong "I'm not going to help you Shan, sorry I know she hurt you but Kerry is a decent person, she has helped me" looking at Shannon "I had a miscarriage a few years ago, the day I was taken to hospital, your first day as Sergeant Kerry was the only person I told and she kept that secret, was supportive of me, and the time I was caught illegal racing, I could have been out and she gave me a second chance" staring at Stella she never knew about the miscarriage "She's not without fault too, Stel, she hit that guy Dave over the knee with a tyre lever, she's done things and gotten away with it"

Taking a deep breath looking at her friend "you need to let it go Shan, I don't want to see you getting hurt" her eyes defiant "who said I will"

Picking up her stuff, "I'll see you at work Shan" walking outside the apartment looking back, concerned for her friend she wonders if she should tell someone, despite what Kerry did she liked her boss, and found her caring and nice.


	24. Chapter 24

Opening up the door, Kerry sees Lawson standing there, looking at him, damm he still looks gorgeous, can she really do this, can she spend time with him just being friends knowing he wanted her. Walking away from the door, leaving it open, she turns to Lawson not saying anything her mouth slightly open.

Seeing Kerry answer the door it had been a few months since he had seen her, seeing her just standing there her hair pulled back in a ponytail her eyes staring at him, a small smile on her face, she still looked as beautiful as ever, wishing he had realised what was in front of him now it was too late. The evening when she told him she had loved him or still loved him, even back then it had taken him off guard there were moments in their 5 year working relationship where he wondered what if, but with her being his superior and both being in high positions he couldn't go there, he wasn't even going to go there with a team member yet he did. Hearing Kerry's voice he comes out of his trance "you just going to stand there" walking inside the serviced apartment he looks around, what was he looking for, to see if Matt was there, to see if Matt did come down, was he slightly hopeful that he didn't want to move after all.

Looking down on the ground, he sees Emily a smile on his face, walking over to his daughter he had missed her he had talked to Kerry on Skype or seen Emily on it.

Smiling at herself watching Lawson with their daughter, relief that she now had Lawson around, Matt was great with her but not the same as her own father "you can take her with you Lawson for a few days?" smiling at Kerry before looking at Emily "thanks" then wanting to know "what made you come back?" her eyes darting around the apartment not looking at Lawson "Matt, he wanted Emily to be near her father" looking up at Lawson "he gave up a lot Lawson coming back here" looking at Kerry "it didn't bother you that I was so far away, it was only what Matt said" rolling her eyes at Lawson "can we not do this, I'm back Lawson isn't that enough." Then looking him in the eyes her voice firm "I don't know how many times I have to say it, I would never stop you seeing her, you're her father, nothing will change that. I had a job up in Darwin, I gave up, she's back now" avoiding Kerry's glare more than gaze his voice low "for how long" shaking her head at Lawson not wanting to go back to the fighting just wanting to enjoy being back "Just go Lawson" looking at Kerry wondering where Matt is not wanting to ask but still wondering, but hearing the door open, he looks up as Matt walks in.

Walking inside the apartment the tension in the air obvious between the two of them glancing at Kerry, he sees the smile on her face as he walks over to her kissing her briefly on the cheek he had to admit he was slightly worried about coming back but Emily and Kerry but needed to be near her father as much as Matt loved Kerry and Emily, Kerry needed Lawson's help she was struggling on her own. Watching Kerry look at Matt a huge smile on her face, hating to admit it but the look on her face, Lawson knew she was in love with Matt and wanted to be with him he had to admit he had lost her for the time being but now back in Melbourne he was going to win her back.

…..

Walking into base at Melbourne a few days later, Kerry looks around nothing much had changed, seeing the huge smile on Leon's face she knew someone was glad to see her back.

Walking out of base the shift seemingly endless, the day going slowly, looking up Lawson sees Matt walking in with Emily his stomach tightening, watching another man holding spending time with his daughter, something he needs to get used to seeing Matt smiling at him, as he walks towards him "Kerry is still in the communications room" nodding at Lawson, handing him Emily "thanks" before starting to walk off, hearing a voice behind him "so that's Kerry's boyfriend, he's not bad can kind of see what Kerry sees in him"

Watching the team walk out at the end of the shift, Lawson avoiding her, tension between her and Shannon despite it all, hearing her name called she turns around smiling as she sees Matt entering walking back towards the communications room. Looking up Leon recognises Matt from his time in Darwin "Matt, you remember Leon" walking towards him patting him on the back "when he puts his mind to it, one of the best intel officers around, he could of taught Mandy a few things" smiling at Leon, Matt did remember him looking around he hadn't been in here, different to Darwin hearing Kerry call out "have a look around". Seeing a young officer walking towards him a knowing smile on her face, gathering it wasn't Shannon "your Kerry's guy" looking at her "you are?" hearing her laugh at his reply "nah, you need to answer my question first, you don't answer a question with a question" smiling at her confidence from her moving his hand out to her "Sergeant Matthew Watson" seeing her eyebrows raise before giving a laugh "OMG what is it with Kerry and" hearing footsteps coming towards her seeing Kerry's glare upon her before looking apologetically at Matt "Kerry and what Stella?" looking at Kerry then back at Matt her eyes defiant "Kerry and Sergeants, first Lawson, now Matthew, guys in higher position take your fancy hey Kerry" seeing Kerry's' eyes narrow at her, the smirk on her face not scared of Kerry. Controlling her voice that she wants to smack Stella across the face "I see you met Stella, Senior Constable Stella Dagostino" hearing Leon's voice "otherwise known as wonderwoman or nosey" turning to look at them "I'm out of here, the night is young, places to be. No doubt see you around Matthew" walking out turning to face Kerry "quite a cute kid Kerry poor girl who does it take after, you or Lawson?" laughing as she feels Kerry glare upon her.

Looking up at Matt raising her eyes "so you met Stella" nodding his gaze intent upon her, he loved watching her at work, being in charge, walking over to her whispering smiling as she blushes.

Hearing a noise coming from the locker room, Kerry runs towards it looking around seeing the lockers flung around, seeing Shannon sitting on the table "feel better" glaring at Kerry "I'll clean it up" walking over towards her, seeing Shannon move away from her "Shannon, I am sorry. I don't want you out of the team, you are a valuable member, I want you to stay" seeing Shannon look at her, her eyes red seeing her trying to stop the tears forming "I don't think I can be around you Kerry, you're a constant reminder of what happened" feeling Kerry touching her arm she tries not to flinch "you need to move on Shannon, you need to let go of the past, stop dwelling on what has happened and concentrate on the future" looking at Kerry before looking down, not able to see the caring in her bosses eyes "easy for you to say Kerry, you have a daughter, you could have my ex husband if you want and a boyfriend, you slept with my husband who then left me for you". Taking a deep breath "I'm not going to keep apologising to you Shannon, shit happens you learn to live with the cards we are dealt with" looking up at Kerry "do you know how it feels to have your boss betray you like that" not letting Kerry answer "no, I doubt you would, you don't know what it is like to have someone you trusted, you worked with each day someone you thought was a decent person to do what Lawson and you did" looking at Kerry in the eye "its so easy for you to say move on get over it, put yourself in my position and see what it is like. I loved Lawson and thought we had a future together. To find out he fathered a kid with your boss how do you move on from that Kerry… it was so much easier when you were in Darwin and I could hate you"

Biting her lips truth be told she never thought of Shannon much in all of it, she didn't plan for this, touching her arm and looking at her "Its not too late Shannon, speak to Lawson." Raising her eyes at Kerry is she serious "It is too late Kerry, I'm not going to be his second choice and I doubt I could trust him again" then looking at Kerry's face she does see regret and caring there "I wish you were more of a bitch about this again" seeing Kerry raise her eyesbrows at that comment a small smile on her face "then I could hate you, it is easier hating you" shaking her head at Shannon "it fills up inside of you Shannon, eating away at you, you need to let it go, move on I know its hard but you're a strong person and I know you can do it"

Watching Kerry get up off the table, she did want to hate her and get revenge on her, but despite it all there was something about her she couldn't hate her. Looking up seeing Stella walk in "shit Shan, are you making a habit of rearranging things" smiling at her friend "just shut up Stel and help me" seeing Stella watch her as they straighten up the locker room "you know you're right Stel" seeing the smirk on your face "I'm always right Shan" feeling her hit her arm "I need to let it go I can't continue hating Kerry, Lawson maybe but" shaking her head "I still wish none of this had happened but it has and I need to move on" feeling Stella's arms around her, smiling at her friend it was the best news she could of heard "lets celebrate with a few drinks"

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

Walking inside the apartment, Kerry sees Matt's bags at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at him "what's going on?" walking up to her he didn't want to look ather, see her face looking at him, her eyes searching his despite everything he loved Kerry more than he had loved anyone, he had to let her go, he didn't' want to be second best, he couldn't hate her she had no idea what she was doing "I'm going back to Darwin" looking up at him saying nothing trying to control her surprise as Matt continues "Your one of the nicest people I've ever met, you're beautiful. I don't want to get this wrong. I think you're wonderful you know that, I have feelings for you there is no doubt about that and I love you Kerry a lot. I know how you say you feel about me, I'm sorry I just don't think you do have that feeling, not the love I feel for you" as he comes over to her reaching out to touch her cheek "there is something between you and Lawson, something that we will never have, you need to sort this shit out with Lawson, your still in love with him Kerry" shaking her head at Matt he is wrong, she did love him, if he wanted to leave she wasn't going to stop him "you knew we had a daughter together Matt" looking at Kerry, he wonders if she realise what she and Lawson have, just watching them together, he could see it, chemistry between them, looks, even at work, the banter, something he wished he had with her but doesn't, the more time he spent at the TR base the more evident it became, maybe the others were used to it but to him, the underlying sexual tension was there, he is sure she thinks she loves him "I'm sorry, it is much better I do this now, than a few months or a year later I'm doing this for you … what you and Lawson have, we will never have, you don't even see it, there is a spark in your eye when you see him, anyone just needs to watch the two of you together, to see there is something between you. I can't do it anymore Kerry, you need to tell Lawson how you feel about him before its too late" walking to the door, Matt turns around looking at Kerry wanting to walk back and hold her, seeing her blue eyes looking at his, searching his "You don't know how hard this is, I've thought about it a lot, I wish there was some other way" looking at Matt her face expressionless hiding her emotions not letting what she is really feeling show "you mean you wish I loved you" looking at Kerry was it what he meant, closing the door behind him, forcing one foot in front of the other, the hardest thing he had done for a long time he had to do it before he got in any deeper than he was if that was possible.

Watching Matt walk out the door she whispers "I do love you Matt", standing to the spot waiting and hoping the door would open again that it was all a big mistake.


	25. Chapter 25

_**Thank you to everyone who is reading it, if you enjoy it please review it, there is only one or two more chapters to go after this one, so nearly there, was meant to be a few but started adding things to it. Hope you enjoy this chapter **_

…_**.**_

Watching Matt walk out, staring at him, he is wrong there is nothing between her and Lawson that was in the past, she had moved on, she had moved on with Matt she wasn't going to chase after him, beg him, it was his decision. Hearing Emily cry, she walks up picking her up, as she hears the door bell ring, opening it up, she turns around walking back inside, handing Lawson Emily, before walking over to get a drink.

Seeing Lawson look at him as she finishes the bottle of wine, getting up to get another one, pouring herself a glass in no mood for his self righteousness "what" shaking his head, he hadn't seen her drink in ages "Where's Matt?" not even looking at Lawson her mouth slightly open, her tongue moving around her lips, her eyes moving side to side not answering his question, truth was she had no idea where he was, only not here. Hearing Kerry not answer "I didn't think it was a hard question" looking up at Lawson her tongue moving around her mouth her eyes looking around as she answers "he's gone", trying to hide his surprise he thought they had a strong relationship "where? ….. what happened?" looking up at Lawson what did it matter to him or anyone, he had left isn't it enough she said he was gone, a glass in her hand "he left Lawson he's gone back to Darwin" shaking his head his eyes wide, surprised at what Kerry is saying wondering what happened, why Kerry was still here, he wanted them to break up he won't deny that, watching as she drinks "you think drinking is the answer, that's the answer to all your problems" looking at him no smile or anything on her face did he have to try to analysis everything all the time "why are you here, I don't fucking need your psychology, just don't' speak at all?" reaching out to touch her he is used to her outbursts lashing out at him, doing everything herself, she flings his hand her word harsh "don't" seeing her eyes dart around the room "Kerry…" looking up at Lawson, the caring in his eyes, glancing at Emily lying in his arms, seeing him stroke her head, smiling slightly at him, even if he was the most annoying person, she was grateful he was here to take Emily off her, in no mood to deal with her daughter or anything, the only thing wanting to do is drink her solution to hall her problems. Seeing Kerry lean back on the lounge, her face tired, sadness in his eyes. Emptying the bottle into the glass having no where near enough to drink, she looks around "shit" before throwing the empty bottle across the room.

Looking at Kerry, Lawson is starting to get worried, what happened to her to cause , what happened to Matt "is Matt coming back" shaking her head, her eyes darting around the room, looking at Lawson she doesn't want to talk about it she didn't want to admit or acknowledge the hurt she was feeling she didn't want to feel anything or even think about anything "if you want to know, call Matt Lawson, stop pissing me off" walking over to the bench getting another bottle of wine, pouring herself a glass, watching Lawson pick up the bottle she reaches out to grab it "Stop being a smart arse Lawson, just give me back the bottle" shaking his head he had to help her even if she hated him for it "you've had enough to drink". Seeing her eyes bore through his in no mood for him "Who do you think you are Lawson …. just take Emily and piss off and leave me alone" snatching the bottle out of his hands, before walking up stairs.

Lying on the bed, her eyes looking up at the ceiling, Matt's words replaying in her mind, she did love Matt in her own way but it wasn't enough, she knew he loved her and he was special and she did have feeling for him why couldn't he see that or the fact that was there any truth in what he said was there something between her and Lawson, there was no secret she had loved him for ages, did she still like him, would it work out. There was only one way to find out, did she want to go there, as it was she was in no mood for thinking.

Staring into Emily's room, seeing Lawson there, stroking Emily, watching him turn around walking out of the room, could they play happy families, could they be happy together, turning to face Kerry seeing her stare at him as she walks closer to him, feeling her wrap her arms around him, pulling his lips down to her, pulling back from her "what are you doing Kerry", whispering "what does it look like?" shaking his head "No Kerry" trying to disentangle himself from her "I'm not going to be here just when you feel like a fuck" looking up at him in surprise at his words "is that what you think this is" shaking his head looking at her confused wondering what is happening to her this wasn't the Kerry he knew, despite her having too much to drink "I have no idea what is happening to you, Matt left today, I'm sure you were real close to him, now your starting to kiss me what is going on?"

Following her downstairs, turning her around to face him "Did you think I'd just sleep with you Kerry, the day Matt left" moving her tongue around her lips she wasn't really thinking at all "I don't know Lawson, everything has just turned to shit"

…..

Opening the door the surprise evident on Lawson's face "Can I come in" nodding opening the door "I thought you had left?" looking at Lawson, standing at his place was as hard as leaving the woman he loved "my flight leaves tomorrow morning." Looking at Matt, wondering why he was here, what this is about "Look after Kerry for me?" looking at Matt wondering what had happened "You're the one she wants Matt" shaking his head how he wished that was true that he was still with her "She's not in love with me…. I see the way she looks at you and you look at her, she has never looked at me like that" Looking at Matt, he knows he loves Kerry he was pretty sure she loved him, "She loves you" shaking his head, that was the problem "no she doesn't, she has never said it, it's you she wants" shaking his head at Matt, he knows he is wrong he has known Kerry long enough "We don't have a future" seeing Matt look at him "you have a daughter together Lawson, don't throw that away, I know you want her, and deep down, she wants you, don't give up on her, she needs someone to help her, she can't do this by herself she deserves someone who really loves her and she loves back and as much as I want that to be me, it isn't." looking at Matt surprised at what comes out of Lawson's mouth "you need to fight for her Matt, don't give up on her so easily" looking at Lawson no smile on his face the decision he made one of the hardest of his life, he wants to fight for her, he wants her so much "You think this is easy Lawson, that I haven't thought about it, I haven't stopped thinking about it, wondering if, it is better to leave now than a few months or a year later, I'm doing this for her. She is one special person and I wish she had the special feeling that I have for her but she doesn't" trying to hide his surprise in a way he can partly see what Kerry likes he is a decent guy "what are you going to do?" smiling ruefully at Lawson "going back to Darwin, see if I can get a job somewhere, I can't do tactical response for a while…. Make her happy Lawson" looking at Matt as much as he would love to he's pretty sure that despite everything Kerry didn't want him "you're the one that can do that for her" smiling ruefully at Lawson "no, she just doesn't want to admit it…. Give it a month or so and you will be together" looking at Matt, he can't imagine how hard it is for him, taking guts to come here and talk to him "Matt she does deserve you, I don't think you should give up on her" Not even looking at Lawson he can't talk about her anymore "I think she is wonderful you know and I wish things were different that she loved me, but if we keep this up I'm just ruining her chances of happiness with someone else. I don't want to hurt her or get hurt again"

Walking out of Lawson's the hardest thing he had done was give up the woman he had loved despite everything he didn't blame Kerry or hate her maybe she did think she loved him but he needed to move on.

…..

Walking into Kerry's a few days later, her behaviour now making sense, and the other night, seeing Kerry on the couch, feeding their daughter, standing near the stairs staring at her, despite everything he still wanted her wanted to be with her, to feel her touch again, was there any truth in what Matt said to him. Seeing Lawson just staring at her not moving his eyes fixed on her, "Lawson what do you want?" walking over sitting close to her looking at her "you…I think, move in with me Kerry" looking at Lawson was he serious she had her own place, they weren't even together could she even live with him, seeing her look at him like he was crazy as he continues "it makes sense, we could find a bigger place with a back yard for Em" Looking at Lawson did she hear him correctly, was he crazy how could they move in together they weren't even together all they had was a daughter together "your crazy Lawson" leaning closer to Kerry reaching out for Kerry's hand "I want to be with you Kerry its all I wanted for ages, I want you I'm in love with you Kerry, I never stopped loving you." moving his hand to touch her leg, then moving down her leg, rubbing her thigh "give it a try" looking at him his touch sending shivers through her his touch had always had an effect on her "we're been there, it hasn't worked out" leaning close to her he wanted her and had for ages he hadn't stopped loving her, he had tried but now here she was single again, his mouth inches from her ear "there is something between us, Kerry you can't deny that you know it too" looking at Lawson his mouth so close to hers "I don't' know Lawson" whispering "let me show you" her mouth inches from his as she whispers "Just think about my history, I'm trouble" smiling at Kerry she had said that before, not moving his mouth away from hers "What sort of trouble, I like trouble" moving her lips to his as they kiss each other before she moves away slightly her voice still a whisper "That kind of trouble, that is exactly the kind of think I can't take a risk on, when I'm around you I'm…" not moving his mouth away from Kerry his eyes still fixed with hers his voice soft " no" smiling at her "Good, so glad I could clarify that point for you" not moving his lips away from hers feeling her blue eyes staring at him, her mouth slightly open as her tongue moves over her lips, not able to resist her anymore as his lips meet hers, putting Emily on the ground, she feels Lawson pulling her towards him as their lips meet she can't resist him, truth be told she did want him, always had "I can't help myself".

Looking at Lawson his body toned from working out and his job, she sees him looking at her, his chocolate pudding eyes staring into hers, she did want him, she wanted to make love to him again, lie next to him, she wanted to feel his touch she can't help how she feels, as much as she doesn't want to feel like that all he has to do is touch her. Watching Kerry's eyes move over his body a while later, as she moves slightly away from him, looking at her, he wonders if he is pushing her into it "I feel like I'm pushing you into this, making you do something you don't want" shaking her head her head looking down towards the floor her voice soft "your not…. I … I don't have any control over how I feel, no matter what I think" smiling at Kerry holding her gaze "you going to take the risk then?" finding her answer as her lips find his


	26. Chapter 26

**TWO AND HALF MONTHS LATER**

Walking into Kerry's apartment Lawson smiles to himself, watching Kerry at her computer, still the same person, a work alcoholic, Emily on the floor playing. Feeling Lawson's lips on top of her head turning her face up to him, as his lips meet hers briefly before he turns to Emily, watching Lawson swoop up Emily in his arms a smile forming on her face, the bond between father and daughter obvious despite everything they had been through they were still together.

Watching Kerry work her face back to her computer, Lawson watches her as she works, he wanted to move in with her, find a place for them together. He loved Kerry more than he loved Shannon but did wonder if she wanted to be with him, the way he felt when he was around her, or she looked at him, her blue eyes that pierce their way through him, unlike Shannon, Kerry had no secrets what you saw was what you got with her, she was tough, and hard but her best qualities was she cared about her team, each and every one, she was there for them all, but underneath it all she had a vulnerability that she kept hidden that she wanted no one to see, even Lawson sometimes.

Seeing Lawson look at her, she smiles at him watching as he sits down next to her, turning to face him, he sees him staring into her eyes, moving his mouth towards hers, she moves closer to him kissing him, hard and passionate, before pulling away hearing Lawson whisper "lets have an early night" looking at Lawson "sounds good but I can't, I have all this work I have to do" moving slightly away from her "can't you do it tomorrow Kerry" before whispering in her ears "I want to make love to you" stopping what she is doing and looking at Lawson, taking her self control "I can't do it tomorrow" seeing a sad look in his eyes "I'll finish it as quickly as I can" seeing his eyes searching hers for answers and the sadness in them, she moves over kissing him briefly "I want to Lawson I do ….. but I have a shit load of work I have to get through"

Lying in bed that night, he sees Kerry looking at him propped up on her elbow, her blue eyes staring right at him, he realised he had feelings for her from the moment he had met her, there was something about her, he cared for her for so long, protective of her, from the moment he had met her, there was something between them the banter, trying to outdo each other, the simmering sexual tension/chemistry was there brought to a head when Grace had died. Could he lose her, could he let her go, encourage her to be with someone else, not be with him, did he want to be second best or should he give her up.

Seeing Lawson staring at her, saying nothing, he had been quiet the past couple of nights, was it because she didn't want to rent a place together, or did she what was she scared of, commitment, was she afraid of a deep love feeling out of control, they had a daughter together still that was a commitment of being together she loved him she was sure of that but something was holding her back, it was a dream come true wasn't it, being with Lawson, waking up next to him so often, making love to him what was holding her back, was the love she had for him the love for a boyfriend or a different kind of love, she knew she had feelings for him and deep, she had practically ever since she had met him, all those years ago, was the love she felt for him the same as he felt for her.

Hearing Lawson speak "what's going on here Kerry?" seeing her look at him, saying nothing at first "what do you mean?" could he say it, could he do it seeing her staring at him there like that, her tilted slightly to the side her blue eyes just looking at him, her mouth just slightly open he wanted to draw her towards him "I can't do this anymore Kerry" hearing Lawson say that not wanting to show any emotion her eyes looking away from him before coming back to settle on his face raising her eyebrows, seeing her raise her eyebrows at him as he continues "I have feelings for you there is no doubt about that ….. there will always be something between us, there is something there" fiddling with hands as he continues "I love you Kerry, but I don't think you have that kind of love to me, what we have is a great friendship and I don't want to lose it" taking a deep breath "you need to go up to Darwin, don't let Matt go, you need to fight for him Kerry, even if you won't admit it, you're still in love with him." Looking at Lawson was he serious, what was it with him and Matt, why did they thinks he wanted to be with the other person, what was she afraid off, was she pushing the person she was going out with away, why couldn't she commit to Lawson, what was she afraid of, loving someone deeply and unconditional, she had a problem with her own child with that, seeing her tongue move around her mouth, her eyes moving away from his "it's too late Lawson ….." could she say those three words to Lawson, the words she couldn't even say to her son, she had said them before the night she was drunk, "I want to be with you" looking at Kerry her blue eyes questioning his searching his, this is harder than he thought, needing to be strong, he wanted her more than anything, but he needs to know for sure and as much as he hopes he is sure the love she feels isn't the same "I love you Kerry but… I don't think you feel the same, the love you feel for me, isn't the same as I have for you, I don't want to lose what we had. We have a love, but I don't think it's that kind of love or you feel the same way. I don't' want to hurt you, its better we do this now, than a few months or a year later, I don't think I can make you happy." Hearing Lawson say that, was he right, did she love Lawson as a lover or a friend, was it the fact she was his boss, his superior, he she was losing him, could she say what he wanted to hear, could she say and mean yes he was the one she wanted to be with more than anything, that she would move in with him. Seeing Kerry's eyes looking into his, fixed on his face "I've thought about it a lot lately" had she heard him right "You've been planning this" shaking his head he hadn't planned it or really wanted it, but it was something he needed to do "I'm sorry, it is much better I do this now, than a year later I'm doing this for you Kerry. You don't know how hard this is, I wish there was some other way…..Go and fight for Matt, before you lose him for good"

Feeling Kerry's lips upon his, he can't fight or resist her, rolling her onto her back  
giving into her, both of them knowing a way of saying goodbye to each other, wanting to feel her touch, her naked skin against his body one last time, her lips against his, not wanting to let her go with Kerry it was uncomplicated in a way even if she was his boss, she didn't play games with him, he knew she wasn't leading him on or anything in her own way she was in love with him, unfortunately he was more in love with her.

Stroking Kerry's hair the early hours of the morning, feeling her arms draped across his body, his arm under her, her body nestled against his, feeling her naked skin against his for the last time, just having the most amazing wonderful experience of his life, he wants more of her, he had never been able to get enough of her, what he felt the last night was something he had never felt or experienced before, looking down at Kerry sleeping, he doesn't' want to say goodbye to her, he wants her more than anything, longer he leaves it the harder it will become.

Waking up feeling Lawson's body next to her his arms underneath her looking at him, was this it, was he leaving her feeling him get out of bed, watching as he sits on the edge of the bed, she would never tire looking at his toned body.

Turning around seeing Kerry sitting up on the bed, the sheets drawn up covering her, even then he knew nearly every part of her, turning to look at her kissing her goodbye "I'll be back tonight to pick up my things" nodding look at Lawson she hoped she had imagine it but she hadn't she wasn't going to stop him going "we need to work out about you seeing Emily" looking at Kerry he hated the thought of not seeing either of them each night "I'm sorry Kerry I wish there was some other way …. I do still love you" not able to look at Lawson, her eyes looking elsewhere her voice soft "I do love you Lawson"

…..

**TWO MONTHS LATER **

Opening up the door, the surprise evident on his face, before he can say anything, he feels their lips upon his, as her arms wrap around him "You're the one I want to be with no one else but you" looking around "aren't you missing something" shaking her head "the only thing I was missing was you" shaking his head at Kerry kicking the door closed with his good leg wrapping his arms around her "where's Emily" looking him in the eyes, he can see her eyes full of love for him, the way she looked at Lawson, "with her father, your wrong Matt, I don't want to be with anyone but you?" the surprise in his eyes as he feels her reach for his hand, following him into his bedroom this is where she belongs, and needs to be?" looking at Kerry in the eyes it is a dream come true he was trying to get over her to forget her and here she was in person, could he just fall for her again could he take the risk, seeing her blue eyes looking at him he can't resist her he wants her more than anything "I don't Kerry I can't do this again, I can't take the risk of loving you again" looking him, her head tilted slightly to the side her blue yes boring into his "Matt you are the one I want to be with not Lawson, not anyone else" looking around if he looks at her he knows he will give in he is gone when she looks at him like that "Kerry you said that last time, I've got my life up here now" pulling away from Matt, she didn't even ask if there was someone else she just presumed he wouldn't of found anyone "sorry, I just thought, I didn't realise you were seeing someone else" watching Kerry pick up her bag and start to walk out could he just let her leave, never see her again, could he take a risk again, did she really want to be with him, did she love him. Walking out the door, what an idiot she was thinking that Matt wouldn't of found someone else, that he would still want her or like her, she should or rung or checked. Feeling someone tapping on her shoulder she turns around seeing Matt close to her "are you sure of this Kerry, I need you to be sure, not to change your mind?" looking at him "I want you Matt, I've never been surer" wanting his mouth on her "Just kiss me"

Rolling over stroking her face and hair, the past few hours one of the most amazing of his life there was something different about her, he felt she did want him, wanted to be with him but the fact remained he was in Darwin she still lived in Melbourne "what Now Kerry" smiling at him she hadn't given that any thought well a bit of thought, all she thought about was Matt, she missed him and wanted him "I don't know… maybe I can move back to Darwin I don't know" raising his eyes at her "what about Lawson and Emily" that had crossed her mind and she did need to speak to Lawson, but she couldn't until she had come up here, feeling her on top of him, staring into his eyes "Lawson is spending time with her" seeing her eyes looking into his, her legs either side of his body, his hands moving up massaging her stomach and breasts "what then Kerry" moving her face down closer to his, the words just coming out it could happen "Maybe Lawson could move up here, to take over as Senior sergeant" nodding at her he wondered about them, if they got together it wouldn't' leave his mind for ages he wondered if he had done the right thing, if she went back to Lawson straight away, it was always there, he was always thinking of her "what about you and him" moving closer to him her face inches from his she didn't want to talk about Lawson "there are other things I would rather do than talk about Lawson" raising his eyes at her as he maintains her gaze, hearing her whisper "there is no Lawson and I, it wouldn't work out, it didn't work out" rolling Kerry onto her back, before putting his legs either side of her the last part of the sentence she did go out with him looking into her eyes "you and Lawson …." Did he want to know, looking up at Matt shit she shouldn't of said that last part, all she wants now is him, why cant he see that "don't Matt….. I'm here with you, you're the one I want to be with not Lawson not anyone but you" wrapping her arms around his neck pulling it closer to him "I love you Matt" moving his mouth down to Kerry's those 3 words he finally heard from her mouth, all thoughts of Lawson leaving his mind, knowing she wants him he will figure a way for them to be together

Walking into the TR base the next day, Kerry sees the surprise on Sean's face "you back up here" shaking her head at Sean, she knew he wanted them together or did but had no idea what he knew now but seeing his eyes not hiding the surprise as Matt comes up to her wrapping his arms around her waist as Sean mutters "You and Matt?". Looking at his friend, a smile on his face "Kerry came up yesterday to Darwin, I was going to tell you later, I'm leaving mate, I'm going back to Melbourne with her" seeing Kerry look at him in surprise, he couldn't ask Kerry to leave Lawson and Melbourne, to come up here with Emily "are you sure" nodding at her, a huge smile on his face.

Watching Matt walk away, Sean looks at Kerry the surprise still on his face, also wanting to protect his friend "you need to be sure Kerry, you can't string him along all the time, especially If he is going back to Melbourne, why is this time different to the other two times" feeling Kerry's eyes bore through him her lips in a straight line "where's Mandy?". Glancing at Matt before looking at Kerry, should he say anything "Mandy left…." Seeing Kerry raise her eyebrows at him "really" nodding before looking at Kerry "I shouldn't be saying this, Mandy….. "

Hearing a voice at base "Matt can we talk?" seeing Kerry look up at the voice before looking back at Sean slightly confused, hearing Matt in a voice she hadn't heard before, angry and with hatred in it "I have nothing to say to you Mandy, get out you no longer work here"

Looking around the base Mandy's eyes stop on Kerry "what's she doing here, is she back?" looking at Mandy and back at Matt confusion on Kerry's face, something going on here but no idea what. Hearing Matt's voice "she's more welcome here than you, get out before I have you escorted out". Looking up at Matt, she thought by now he might have softened a bit she never mean to hurt him, all she wanted was him, why couldn't he realise that "Matt… I really do need to talk to you" glaring at Mandy "I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to hear anything you need to say" standing on the spot, looking at Matt "I'm pregnant Matt and you're the father".


	27. Chapter 27

_**Thank you everyone who has read this story and reviewed it, this is probably the second last chapter, if all goes to plan, so enjoy**_

…_**.**_

Watching Matt's eyes narrow and his voice loud and yelling at Mandy, Kerry wonders what happened between them, hearing Mandy's last sentence her eyes widening as a gasp comes out, her eyes darting around the room, no idea where to look.

Hearing a gasp from Kerry, Matt looks at her shocked face, the secret he wanted to keep from her for the time being, not the time or place for her to find out, looking at Sean next to her, his eyes wide as he looks at Kerry, turning to face Mandy "why would I believe that it is mine, prove it I want a paternity test". Standing there looking at Matt, the humiliation of it all, she shouldn't of come here, she thought Matt would believe her "I'm not lying Matt you're the father" moving closer to her his voice cold "your word means nothing to me"

Watching Kerry walk out of the base, Sean glances at Matt before following her, seeing her straight away. Hearing a noise behind her, Kerry turns around a slight smile on her face as she sees Sean did she hear right, Mandy and Matt what is she doing up here. Looking at Kerry trying to keep up her strong tough exterior he needs to let her know, reaching out and touching her arm "Its not what you think Kerry" seeing Kerry say nothing, he continues "Mandy and Matt went out one night, and ended up sleeping together" looking at Sean her eyes looking straight ahead "that part I got" giving Kerry a smile even hearing that she still held herself together "Matt and Mandy went out one night, and Matt got extremely drunk and slept with Mandy, he found out that his drink was spiked by Mandy". Looking at Sean she mustn't of heard him right, her mouth slightly open "Your joking" shaking his head "he wasn't feeling well so got a blood test, he confronted Amanda and basically said either leave or he would take it further and have her fired". Biting her lip looking at Sean she didn't expect him to tell her this "you and Mandy" finishing her sentence "we broke up" nodding at Matt taking it all in "You and Matt" looking up at Kerry the pain still there talking about it "We're ok now, but I was angry and hurt at first, I also didn't believe Matt at first, but realised he was telling the truth". Glancing at Matt she knew Mandy had a crush on him but that was it but now here she is pregnant.

Hearing footsteps coming out at base, she looks up seeing Mandy walking out wiping the tears from her face, despite what happened she feels for her, she was part of her team for a while, calling out "Mandy wait", seeing her look up at her, surprise partly on her face, before the glare comes back "going to rub it in too, you're not the only one to sleep with Matt, I'm the one carrying his child" moving her tongue around her lips before speaking her voice soft " I didn't drug him Mandy, did you really think that was the way to get him to sleep with you" closing her eyes briefly before looking back at Kerry trusting her to know, her eyes upon her concern there, in a way she could see what Matt saw in her, she was attractive especially when she smiled "what would you know, you just waltz up here into the squad, pregnant too and Matt just falls in love with you, and you then just dumped him and then he just goes running back to you" looking at Mandy seeing a confused girl there, despite everything and Mandy's hostility towards her, she can't stand by and do nothing, reaching out and touching her she sees tears in her eyes, walking away from the base "I never asked Matt to fall in love with me or expect it" then shrugging "it just happened, you need to give him time and space".

Looking at Kerry "why are you being so nice and wanting to help me when I was a bitch to you" sitting on a chair near by "everyone needs someone to look out for them." Then looking straight ahead "I was young and pregnant once the father was around, but I had no help" then giving a small smile "also just recently I was pregnant and alone" looking up at Kerry seeing the caring in her eyes her voice soft and sad "I don't want to be pregnant and alone" looking at Mandy "why did you do it?" looking down fiddling with her hands her voice soft "I dunno, I was jealous of you, you came and from the beginning I saw how he looked at you, and liked you, you were his boss, I had liked Matt for ages, then you came and I could see he liked you a lot, I had wanted him for so long and wanted him to like me, he went out with you, you started going out with him and I wanted that" raising her eyes slightly at Mandy "by having sex with him" nodding biting her lips trying to remain strong "I know now how stupid it was but I thought if he had sex once just that once maybe just maybe he'd want to go out with me" reaching out and touching Mandy's arm, despite everything she felt for Mandy, Matt might be her boyfriend the man she is in love with, but here was Mandy and vulnerable "are you sure the baby's Matt" looking at Kerry a slight hardness coming over her face, she thought she was understanding and not judging her nodding "I'm not lying" looking at Mandy seeing her trying to put up a protective barrier again, facing her "I'm not suggesting that Mandy, you were going out with Sean, before all of this happened, how do you know the baby isn't his" giving a short laugh at Kerry's comment "Unless it's a miracle contraception" seeing Kerry's eyes raise "Sean and I hadn't had sex in months we hadn't had the best relationship for a while it had been rocky for a few months" giving a small half smile to Mandy "Maybe Sean knew about you liking Matt" seeing Mandy shrug she didn't care about that anymore "Matt and Sean are good friends Mandy" looking at Kerry in the eyes in a way she was glad Sean and her were over "Sean would of got over it, it wasn't like he was in love with me, I had the looks that he wanted and had guys envying him for" getting up off the seat looking at Mandy "I can't promise anything but I will talk to Matt" standing up looking at Kerry grateful that she stopped and talked to her, despite not liking her at first, here she was caring what happened to her looking at her, she could tell what Matt saw in her, she was attractive but there was a lot more to her, that she never saw or wanted to see, all she did see was someone Matt wanted and she had hated that.

Walking out of the building looking around, Matt wonders where Kerry is, he needs to talk to her, he didn't want her to find out about her and Mandy not this way he wanted her to know it wasn't what it seemed or sounded like. Looking ahead he sees Kerry talking to someone, walking closer his eyes narrow "what are you still doing here?" looking at Matt seeing his gaze resting on Mandy, reaching out and touching his arm seeing the anger and hatred in his eyes reaching for his hand "Matt, it s fine, just leave it" looking at Mandy he doubt he could ever forgive her for what she did "I won't leave it". Looking at Matt and Kerry how she wished it was her, there not Kerry but she knows it wouldn't happen not now not ever "Its ok, I'll go" then turning to face Kerry "Thanks Kerry, I really mean it" smiling at Mandy releasing Matt's hand "just take care of yourself and the baby" watching Mandy look at Kerry then him "I don't know what game you're playing at now, but I'd never leave Kerry for you, she is in my life her, I love her, what you did is" interrupting Matt "Your lucky to have her Matt don't let her go or stuff it up this time" before turning to walk away.

Seeing Kerry looking at him shaking her head "I know what she did to you Matt, and it would hurt and you have a right to be angry, but she is sorry you have to try to let it go" looking at Kerry in disbelief "Its that easy it is" shaking her head "I didn't say it would be easy you can't keep dwelling on it, Mandy is pregnant with your baby?" starting to walk away "I don't care that she is pregnant or anything about her … I don't want anything to do with either of them" wanting to yell at him as she watches him walk away "I'll see you after your shift"

Walking inside his apartment a short time later, wanting to make it up to Kerry not many would be so understanding, trying to help Mandy and being there for him too, looking around, hearing the shower running, a huge smile on his face, walking into the bathroom, opening the shower door hearing Kerry's voice "what are you doing

home" her questions answered with his lips.

Walking along the wharf two nights later, feeling Matt's arms around her waist, looking out over the blue water, having to go back to Melbourne the following night, only made better by the fact Matt would be joining her in a few weeks. Sitting on a chair overlooking the harbour nestled against him "You need to talk to Mandy Matt" feeling Matt tense up as she looks up at him "I don't have anything to say to her, not now not ever" looking into his eyes, seeing the pain and hurt there "She's pregnant Matt to you". Looking at Kerry, he didn't want to talk about Mandy despite what Kerry said, deep down he had thought about the fact the baby was his, but what she did he could never forgive "I don't want anything to do with either of them…. I don't want to talk about it Kerry" feeling Kerry's hand reaching up stroking his face her touch so gentle he couldn't explain to her how he felt, he couldn't tell anyone what he felt once he found out what Mandy did like she had raped him. Looking up at him there was more going on than what Mandy did, looking out over the harbour her voice soft "I got pregnant to Lawson from a drunken one night stand, we both had too much to drink" biting her lip as she continues "I never told Lawson I was pregnant because he was engaged at the time then married someone who was in my squad and I was his boss, so I went through the birth and the first few months by myself" looking up at Matt seeing him looking at her, her tongue moving around her lips "My son James sent a letter I wrote but never sent to Lawson and he found out" giving a short laugh a small smile on her lips "he was furious to say the least with me, but we worked through it all the rest is history. I didn't want him to ever find out, then as it was pointed out so often to me, I was denying him of knowing his daughter".

Reaching for Kerry's hand moving his hands on her waist, he knew part of it but not most of it, partly surprised "I take it his wife didn't take to the fact Lawson was a father to someone else well then" smiling at Matt the memories of Shannon still fresh in her mind "she is only just forgiving me now, it wasn't handled too well, people make mistakes Matt we're only human after all, just give it time" looking up at Matt, feeling his hands moving around her stomach as she feels his lips upon hers.

….

Walking along the jetty at St Kilda two weeks later pushing Emily in the pram, looking around what is she doing here why didn't Lawson want to meet at her house despite breaking up it hadn't been too bad at work between them it wouldn't be long until Matt was coming to Melbourne a few more weeks, she knew she had to tell him she just didn't know how.

Sitting at the end of the jetty he wonders if Kerry would come, despite the past few weeks and what he said to her, one thing was clear in his mind and he needed to talk to her. Looking up he sees her walking towards her, damm why did she have to look so beautiful the smile on her face lights up her whole face her hair up in a ponytail pulled off her face, handing her the package of fish and chips.

Looking out over the bay she wonders what is going on, why Lawson wanted to meet her here, turning to look at him "Why did you want to see me Lawson"

Looking at her "Kerry I'm still in love with you, I want to give us another chance" seeing her eyes widen in surprise and her eyebrows go up "I know what I said but I want you, I want you in my life"

Looking at Lawson she didn't expect this she thought he was over her that he had moved on, moving her tongue around her mouth her mouth slightly open she had wondered what was going on lately and if he was having second thoughts "I have feelings for your Lawson there is no doubt about that. It is kind of love but It is just not your kind of love. I know how you feel about me, I'm sorry I just don't have that feeling" looking at Kerry he didn't know what to expect from her, leaning closer to her "how do you know… I'm sorry I pushed you away I thought I was doing the right thing I wasn't Kerry, don't you want to give us another chance?" looking at Lawson biting her lip she didn't expect all of this she had moved on and thought Lawson had also "No ….. I don't' want to hurt you but I know I will never have that special feeling for you, you were right in what you said Lawson, we have a special friendship/relationship we have tried having a relationship a few times, it didn't work out" looking up at him she would love to be with him but he deserved more and deep down she was sure both of them knew it would never work out "I think your wonderful you know that, but if we keep this up getting together breaking up, I'm just ruining your chances of happiness with someone else". Looking at Kerry sitting on the chair, with Emily in her arms leaning her head on Emily's head "I have happiness with you, we're good together"

Wishing Lawson wasn't making it so hard for her, "I know and I loved being with you Lawson but it wasn't enough. We will always have Emily"

Looking at Kerry, had she been up to Darwin, he knew she had some time off a few weeks ago had she taken his advice "Is there someone else?" not looking at Lawson but out over the bay can she tell him, she knew she should of told him after she came back from Darwin, looking up at him "I'm back together with Matt, he is coming to Melbourne in a few weeks. …. You don't know how hard this is, I wish there was some other way Lawson" looking out across the bay avoiding Kerry's gaze upon him, despite everything he did love her and want to be with her "You mean you wish you could love me the way I love you is that is". Shaking her head at Lawson, she can't continue this conversation anymore getting up off the seat, putting Emily in the pram, seeing Lawson looking at her for some reason she does feel guilty over this, hating that feeling in her watching Lawson her eyes meeting his feeling Lawson's lips upon hers briefly before pulling away "Don't …. You deserve someone who will really love you….. that's not me" wanting to pull Kerry towards him, he can't watch her walk away feeling like a teenager but he doesn't want to lose her not now not ever "How do you know what I deserve I deserve you" turning around not even looking at Lawson her eyes meet Leon seeing shock in them "shit" before hurrying off the jetty.


	28. Chapter 28

**THREE WEEKS LATER**

Hearing her name called out, she knows that voice anywhere, but he isn't due for another few days, turning around a huge smile on her face as she walks over to Matt looking around seeing only Leon as she feels his lips on hers briefly as his hands move to her waist feeling them creep under her shirt "I couldn't wait any longer to see you, any chance of you leaving work" shaking her head the feel of his hands upon her making it hard to concentrate "I can't" hearing Leon's voice calling out to her "Kerry they're ready for you" looking at Matt apologetically shrugging "I'll leave as soon as I can" then walking back to Leon, calling out to him "My keys are in my bag". Seeing Leon look up at her a smirk on your face "Your life is more complicated than I imagined" rolling her eyes at Leon "stop imagining then" laughing at Kerry "I thought you were with Lawson, now Matt, wish I had girls falling of me" hearing Lawson's voice through the com "Kerry what's happening" putting her headphones on, looking at the screen giving the commands.

Walking towards her car she sees the TR cars arrive, seeing Lawson get out, she looks at him calling out his name, walking towards him "can you pick up Emily tonight for the weekend" raising his eyes at her suspicious "I'll pick her up after work"

Walking into her apartment watching as Matt walks towards her, letting go of Emily "she's growing" before pulling her towards him, seeing her look at him "Lawson's picking her up shortly, then I'm all yours" nodding at Kerry as he hears his phone ringing.

Opening the door a short time later, seeing Lawson follow her in, picking up Emily's stuff, handing it to Lawson. Looking up hearing footsteps coming down the stairs seeing Matt walk towards him, the pang of jealousy there, he had his chance though, "I'll drop her off on Monday" walking towards the door looking at Matt "that's why you want to get rid of your daughter" rolling her eyes just staring at Lawson "he arrived this afternoon, if you don't want her then …. " seeing Lawson glaring at her "I thought we were over this Lawson, stop being such a idiot" before closing the door behind him

Staring at Emily walking slowly next to her mother and father, wondering if he would ever get that chance, knowing how Kerry felt about kids though he doubted it, he would still have Emily, seeing Kerry walk towards him "that was Sean on the phone, wondering if I got here safely and Mandy lost the baby" looking up at Matt, she knew he didn't want anything to do with it, but deep down she didn't believe it "I'm sorry" looking at Kerry, the concern in her eyes, walking over to her not able to control himself any longer, pulling her towards him, kissing her hungrily and passionately

**FOUR MONTHS LATER**

Walking along Southbank that night Emily over a year old, spending time with Lawson, watching the fireworks coming out of the poles, turning to look at Matt, she loved him coming to Melbourne, spending the time together tonight, he had moved into her apartment straight away, this time she wasn't scared of commitment she felt safe and loved and was trying not to screw this one up but he looked nervous, sitting on the seat overlooking the river she turns to look at Matt her eyes open in surprise seeing a ring in his hand, her eyes wide open, can she say yes can she get married again, feeling Matt's gaze upon her, "Marry me Kerry, I don't want to every lose you again, I want to be with you forever" looking at Matt, did she want to get married she already had two failed marriages her tongue moving around her mouth biting her lip, she didn't want to lose him but was marriage the way to go "I don't know what to say". Looking at Kerry he hoped she would say yes, they hadn't really talked about it, but I had felt right, he wanted her in his life and couldn't imagine his life without her "how about yes" her eyes wide open and her mouth slightly open "Its…. Its so sudden, things were fine the way they were what's changed" trying not to lose his courage all he wants is for Kerry to say yes "I want to make it official Kerry, I want you to be my wife, it won't change anything I love you Kerry" her eyes moving around before settling back on Matt "I love you too Matt, but a piece of paper won't change that" feeling Matt's hands on her face "what's going on Kerry?" biting her lips looking at Matt "I've been married twice Matt and both of those didn't end well, I don't want to ruin what we have by getting married again." Wondering how he could get it so wrong Matt puts the ring away, wanting some time alone putting his hands in his pocket walking away from Kerry.

Watching Matt walk away hoping this hasn't ruined things she didn't realise that he wanted to get married, they had only been going out a few months and it had been great. She didn't want to lose him or break up with him, she wanted him in his life for ever, she just didn't want to get married at the moment.

Watching as Matt stops further down Southbank she walks down to him walking up to him, Kerry puts her hands around his waist, moving her hands up his waist, stroking his stomach looking up at him "I want a really long engagement though" looking down at Kerry in surprise he didn't want to force her "are you sure?" smiling at him "you don't want to anymore?" shaking his head staring into her eyes "I want to marry you more than anything, I love you Superintendent what changed your mind" holding Matt's gaze "its only a piece of paper, I want to be with you Matt I want you in my life" feeling his lips upon hers as he slips the ring on her finger.

Walking back along the esplanade at Southbank to the car, turning to stop and look at him, she didn't think it would happen again, she swore it wouldn't biting her lip part of her knowing she was depriving Matt a slight feeling of nervousness but excitement "Matt… I'm pregnant" seeing his eyes open wide "you're the father" feeling his arms wrap around her swinging her around "I thought you didn't want any more kids" shaking her head what could she say, she didn't and doubts she would "I didn't….but …." Then looking up at him there was only one reason she was going through with it again, she was happy with just James, then she had Emily and now this "thought you wanted kids" kissing her on the top of the head he did and with her more than anything, but slightly worried that it is what she wanted "I do but I knew how you felt about it ….. you're not alone this time, I'll be with you every stop of the way, I love You Kerry" looking up at him wondering if she can go through with it again despite everything Emily wasn't turning out too bad, thanks to having her father around.

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

Walking into the TR base wondering what sort of welcome he would get, he had spoken to Kerry since it all happened but would she still want him back, want him to live with her again after everything he put her through, he wanted to get to know his sister and see his mum again

Hearing footsteps Leon turns around from his computer "you looking for Kerry?" nodding "Is she here?" shaking his head "she is out on the road somewhere, want me to let her know you're here, was she expecting you" picking up his bag "No I'll meet her at home later" walking out, looking up as he sees Lawson, he hadn't met him often but would recognise him anywhere.

Looking up seeing James, Lawson walks over to him "James didn't know you were back, looking for Kerry?" nodding at Lawson the little bit he saw of him, he did like him "Just got back from America and thought mum would be here" looking at James he owes him alot "thank you" smiling at Lawson raising his eyes "what for?" giving a short laugh "I got the letter you sent" nodding at Lawson he had gathered from the tense messages Kerry had left him when it all happened that Lawson got his letter and had spoken to her a few times since "so you and mum …." Shaking his head he had moved on really had no choice, he had seen the ring on Kerry's finger and Matt still here about 6 months or so later, even though Kerry hadn't said anything to anyone Stella of course had picked it up straight away that she was pregnant, the fact she had stopped drinking and the clothes she wore had changed and looser, he had gone out and got drunk a few times but the fact remained that she and Matt were getting married and expecting their first child together. _Remembering the conversation a few weeks ago when Kerry walked into the locker room when only he was there her voice soft she couldn't even look at him leaning against the wall as he was at his locker saying " Matt and I are engaged" looking at Kerry who was avoiding his gaze "why are you telling me?" shrugging as she looks at him she wondered the same thing knowing there was no way she could tell him she was pregnant too, as she shakes her head "I don't' know, just forget it" watching her walk out the room he slams his fists against the locker he wanted to call out to her, he probably should of said congratulations here she was engaged when his marriage to Shannon was over, she had filed for divorce Kerry had left him for someone else and now here she was happy and engaged and all he had was his job where he had to see her and Shannon each day part of him even missed Shannon, despite everything he did love Shannon, _coming back to the present facing James"You need to speak to her James, I have a beautiful daughter that I wouldn't of otherwise known" looking at Lawson, despite what Kerry thought she knew he did the right thing "hopefully she would of calmed down by now, you had a right to know your daughter …. I think in the end, Kerry would of told you, she did it for the right reasons even if it was wrong" shrugging he didn't know about that Kerry did a lot for herself "I'll see you around". Walking out of the locker room towards his car he looks up seeing Kerry's car coming back seeing her get out, looking towards him a small smile on her face, as he hand comes up to give him a wave her left hand it wasn't that long after she told him that she turned up to work with the ring on her finger she didn't' say anything but Stella of course saw it before anyone else, wanting to know everything, and Kerry giving little away, Shannon said nothing of course no doubt thought it served him right. Looking at Kerry getting out of the car, it was becoming more obvious each day that she was pregnant, but she hadn't told anyone, and doubted she would.

Seeing Lawson walking out of the locker room, he hadn't said much to her except about work, she told him she was engaged and a few weeks later decided to wear the ring to work, didn't take long for Stella to see it, she didn't want to make it known she was pregnant either but of course Stella had guessed, she hadn't come out and asked her, but no doubt she would, instead of disguising it like last time, she went with it, if truth be told she didn't want to have this baby or any more children, but knowing how important it was to Matt she had to admit she was slighty looking forward to it and Matt did spoil her. It wasn't going to be too long until someone else was going to take over her position, this time she was going to ensure it was Lawson and get Matt to take over his position.

Hearing a knock on the door Kerry answers it surprise on her face "You little shit" smiling "Hi Mum" looking in disbelief "what are you doing here, I thought you were in America" still standing in the door "can I come in?" nodding not really thinking following James in.

Looking at a girl walking around he looks up at Kerry "That's not Emily" smiling at James "she's about 18 months now" looking back at Kerry, she is glowing watching as she picks up a glass, looking closely "no way Mum, you engaged?" nodding at James "Lawson didn't say anything today" closing her eyes quickly shit, before looking at Matt in the kitchen walking over to him "you remember Matt from up in Darwin" nodding at Matt hiding his surprise before looking at Kerry "I thought you and Lawson" her voice firm damm James she hated telling Lawson she was engaged despite not wanting too say anything she ended up telling him, it was a hard conversation "You thought wrong James, despite what you did" " looking at Kerry he didn't want to start on a bad note, he wanted to stay and get to know his sister and spend time with Kerry "I know, I'm sorry mum but I did what I thought was right and the best for Emily" her mouth in a straight line, even though it was a while ago it was still raw in a way the damage it had caused not just to her "You broke up Lawson's marriage" even as the words come out she know it isn't entirely true she didn't have to kiss Lawson or have sex with him but not wanting to admit she was partly to blame "he might know his daughter but at what cost James?" looking at his mum he didn't want to think about it, he had hoped it would of all worked out, still he did what he thought was right "I'm sorry" walking away from James towards the table, looking up seeing Matt looking at her raising her eyes at him deep down she was glad James was back.

walking over to pick up Emily to put in the high chair she looks up hearing Matt's voice "I'll do it" looking at Kerry closely his mum had a great figure he is sure it is there, the bulge in her stomach "no way, no your pregnant again, you don't want kids" rolling her eyes at James "cause I'm a shit mum" surprise still on his face rolling his eyes "no, you're a great cop ….. I thought you didn't want any more. How many months, can't believe I'm going to have another brother/sister" looking up at James rambling on " about 25 weeks, you staying here" nodding at his mum "If that's ok" nodding walking over to James wrapping her arms around him "of course it is" looking at James her voice low "You on the gear again" glaring at Kerry, he knew he shouldn't of come back his mother would never change his voice loud "No, why do you think the worse" looking at James why did she, why couldn't she be a good mum "You better not, I will not have drugs in this house around Emily" watching James walk over to pick up his bag "what do you think your doing" not even looking at his mum he doubted she would ever change or be a mother to him " Mother of the year ….You obviously don't want me staying here" reaching over grabbing his bags he sees Kerry walk over to him, going to grab his bags "James put your bags down, don't be stupid" looking up at Kerry how he wished he could have a relationship normal one with his mother, in a way he envied Emily, having a father who adored her, he was sure of it, and a mother who had someone to help her "I made a mistake last time Mum, I'm clean now and have been for a while, it was a mistake for me coming back, I wanted to see my little sister and mum again, how stupid I was to think you'd be happy to see me". Looking at James, she was happy to see him glad he was back, she wanted him to stay she just couldn't say it pulling him towards him "you do anything like you did last time…" putting his bag down following Kerry to the table.

…..

**TWO YEARS LATER**

Arriving at the gardens looking around, she didn't want a big wedding, just something small with a few friends, Sean and a few of the guys down from Darwin, the Tactical Response team there and a few others from the police force and a few friends, nothing big. Looking at his mum, she was beautiful in the dress she was wearing nothing fancy but simple holding Emily nearly 4 and Tom's hand. Tom was now about 20 months old, walking down in front of his mother.

Standing at the front with Sean by his side, his breath taken away as he sees Kerry standing there, hearing Sean next to her "breath mate breathe"

Turning around after the ceremony Matt's hand in hers as they start to walk back up the aisle, looking around seeing Lawson there holding onto Emily, smiling at him and despite it all there working relationship had improved and back to the banter again, she would have feelings for him glancing around the whole team there. looking up at Matt as they near the arch, despite having second thoughts about getting married she was happy "I love you Matt" feeling his lips sweetly on hers as they walk out to the reception.

Arriving at the reception Stella looks around nothing fancy but nicely decorated, looking at Lawson he did have a slightly sad look to him she wondered if he still had feelings for his boss, feeling Charlie's arms around her waist smiling up at him, she never thought her and Charlie would be together but they started to get closer and she saw him in a different light. Looking at Shannon she looked happier now, and was not so tense at work anymore she wondered if she would ever truly forgive Kerry and Lawson, despite it all, she knew she blamed Kerry more than Lawson for her marriage falling apart.

Looking at Kerry sitting next to Matt a huge smile on her face, despite it she had to admit she did look attractive for her age, it was nearly 4 years ago now, that she and Lawson got married it still slightly raw what her boss did to her, that her marriage only lasted a few months not even a year into it and Lawson cheated on her by going back up to Darwin whilst they were having problems, despite trying to forget she will never forget Lawson coming home to tell her that he was moving to Darwin. Even though she tried to forgive her, deep down she wondered why her boss did it and slept with Lawson whilst he was married and whilst they were trying to sort it out their problems still had no hesitation in sleeping with Lawson, what kind of person does it. Looking at Lawson she did wonder what she thought of it all if he had moved on from her, how she wished he had fought as hard for her as she had heard he did for Kerry.

Walking up to the bar getting everyone drinks, Stella never thought she would see Kerry married or with kids again but here she was with 3 kids now and a new husband. Looking up as they walk in seeing a smile on her face, she was hot for her age, and looked great seeing the look Matt gave her, one full of love, watching as Kerry looked at him, she could see something in her eyes, she saw it a few times the same look she used to give Lawson when they first started out.

Sitting down at the table, looking around at the room, she didn't want to be in a stage or anything just at a table amongst them all, hating being the centre of attention, seeing James, Sean at the table the kids had gone with the baby sitter, she couldn't imagine life without Katie, her life saver, able to go back to work, and not worry what time she finishes.

Looking around a smile on their faces despite everything she is happy, laughing seeing Stella and others on the dance floor.

Walking out a few hours later, the day had gone well, nothing huge just a special gathering amongst friends, walking out the door with their friends around them, passing Lawson, looking at him, hugging him they had a daughter together that would never change but what they had was a special friendship one she would treasure and no matter what they both would look after each other. Thankful he was willing to look after Tom whilst they went away on their honeymoon knowing TR was in great hands with him looking after it again. Hoping he will find someone soon, it was hard breaking up with him, but she knew it was the right thing

Seeing Stella holding Charlie's hand, now happy that he is out of TR and their relationship can be out in the open, them living together now. Charlie now more bearable he is out of TR and they let Lawson be in charge again whilst she had 6 months off on maternity leave with Tom, and amazing Lawson and Matt got on reasonably well. Stella sitting her Sergeant exam, help the squad with her in charge but being with Charlie had seen her mature slightly, but she would always be Stella.

Seeing Shannon standing next to Stella only a slight smile on her face, she was speaking to her and Lawson now, she doubts she would ever fully forgive her, her and Lawson now divorced, rumour had it, she had found a lovely guy she had started seeing, as much as she hated to admit it she did have a huge part to play in their divorce, she wished it had worked out differently but it hadn't.

Seeing Christian with a huge smile on his face with Annie next to him, one of the few who was affected by anything, now a Senior Constable.

Lastly Leon and Amber, he actually looked slightly different whispering to him "nearly didn't recognise you Leon, all dressed up, if only you made that kind of effort for work" a big smile on his face, he really did like his temperamental boss "once a year or every two years is more than enough Kerry"

Two weeks away, one week sailing around the Whitsunday just them and the sea and islands if they get to visit them, and a week driving around Queensland just the two of them a shiver of anticipation going through her.

_**Thank You to everyone who has read this story and a special thank you to those who reviewed it. **_

_**This is the last chapter wasn't as good as I hoped in trying to tie it all up. **_

_**Sorry to everyone who wanted Shannon and Lawson together or end up back together, just not a fan and do not like them together or think they belong together they just lack chemistry and are wrong. **_

_**In the end as much as I love Kerry and Lawson together and think they are perfect for each other, ended up writing this way as I didn't want Kerry to leave TR which she would have to if they ended up together. **_

_**Once again THANK YOU and hope you enjoyed the story, much longer than I first anticipated a few chapters but ended up having something else come to mind. Still in the process or finishing the other one and writing a new one **_


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